Becoming a single father was not by choice. My ex-wife passed away very suddenly a few years ago, leaving me with sole custody of our three children.
Throughout my life I had heard how “being a single parent is sooo hard” and “I never have time for myself”, etc. so my expectations were less than optimistic.
One could write a book about this easily. And while there is a lot emotional content behind this statement, I will focus here on the non-emotional administration and logistics aspects – because that’s what most people seem to struggle with.
Before I get started I must mention that I make an upper middle class living. I am not wealthy, but I am comfortable. It should also be noted that my children were out of diapers and could shower and dress by themselves when their mom died. These two factors cannot be ignored in my story, so I recognize that your mileage may vary with this advice.
Some time after her passing, when my mind became a bit clearer again, I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of writing (which is very much not my usual habit). There were no journals or diaries, just thoughts on paper. This helped clear my head and organize my thoughts more than I expected it would, so I recommend it highly when if your brain is on fire as mine was at the time.
Among the big epiphanies for me was this: Of all the things a woman can bring to a relationship, the only thing I cannot outsource is sexual intimacy. (More on that in a separate post)
**Almost every other single thing that a man used to depend on a woman to provide, can now be outsourced.**
For example:
Update: As of the updating of this post, I now have a woman who visits 3 times a week to cook in my house. The takeout thing was getting super expensive, especially with inflation. So she comes three nights a week, and cooks 5-6 days worth of meals. It is CHEAP! This woman has old school values, and really takes pride in her cooking. I see here smiling when my children are digging into her latest creation.
In addition
I have watched many videos in which women claim that men want to live in the 1950's. Yet, I have never heard a man say this. They also claim that men want a woman who is submissive. Respect to Fresh and Fit, but I am not looking for subservience - I am perfectly happy to have a reasonable woman. She can do and be whatever, as long as it is within reason, and she is NOT combative or naggy or complaining too much. If this is somehow linked to the 1950's then I stand corrected.
Since women seem to see household chores as some sort of slavery (literally women's words) when they are done in the context of a marriage or domestic partnership, why do this to them?
Just outsource them to women who WANT to do them. Hell, they advertise it and ask for the work! Just treat them with kindness, show appreciation, and pay them slightly more than they ask. It works like a charm.
(I always wonder how many of these women go home, too tired to take care of their own men)
Not only is it much less expensive and quarrelsome than being married, these service providers often do their respective jobs better, more efficiently, and with more courtesy and appreciation than any female romantic partner ever has. While I will refrain from delving into the emotional aspects, it should be noted that
In other words, I have effectively removed the politics from household chores.
Each year, I give a few of my service providers an annual tip (Garbage men, mailman, barber, and a few others). Last year, when my housekeeper opened the envelop, she nearly broke my neck with a hug! It was such a spontaneous, endearing moment that I still smile when I think about it. She was genuinely appreciative – and believe me, while the bonus was generous, it was not over the top by any means. I am not wealthy by any means.
Can you imagine giving your wife a few hundred dollars - or anything for that matter - for being good to you? The average American woman would likely take offense and would look up the monetary value of any gift so that she could use it as a cudgel. \
We are an easy family to get along with, care for, and deal with. So when these women provide us with a service they seem to genuinely appreciate having us as customers.
This stands in stark contrast to many of our experiences with wives and co-parents. In romantic relationships, there is often little-to-no appreciation; on the contrary, there is too often strife, anger, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, or open hostility.
But here we are.
The TL;DR is: Maintaining a household should not be an ongoing political battle. So if you can afford to outsource something then OUTSOURCE IT!
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This post is ultimately about finding ways to fill the spaces left by the women in our lives. Men are not wrong to wish for a helpmeet, partner, wife, mother, housekeeper, co-parent or just someone to lend a helping hand. It is simply not reasonable to expect such things these days, as most women have completely rejected that role in today's society.
It is best for each of us to come to terms with this as soon as possible, and to start thinking about how to most efficiently get the mundane work done so we can spend more time being good fathers, make more money, build wealth, and to enjoy the finer things in life.
And let's be honest. This would not be possible without feminism. So shout out to feminism.
We all know what the Red Pill is – what it means, where it comes from, the different facets, and the fact that it is not quite the same to every man who discusses it. Similarly, the White and Black and other Pills have their own meanings.
I have said this many times, here and elsewhere: The Black Pill is a stop on your journey, not a final destination. But, it recently struck me that the same can be said of MGTOW, the White Pill, and the Red Pill.
I was just watching a video by huMAN. If you haven't checked him out yet, please do. He is a very calm, rational, and thoughtful man who seems to have hit his stride in life. In this video, he said something that hit me hard, so I thought I would share it here.
He was discussing the passing of his father and how it fundamentally changed him. He shared how he suddenly felt that life got serious: “No more F-ing around” as he put it. He also posited that “You become the final man you’ll be after your father passes”
This resonated for me, because I too changed fundamentally when my father died.
As I listened, it also struck me that this transformation from whatever we are before and after our father’s passing, has nothing to do with women. The other huge transformation in my life was divorce, which hurt much worse in several ways, and that had everything to do with women. Not just my wife, but the new awareness that came along with that journey. Remember, for some of us, divorce is not an event; it is a long process that involves discovery (Red Pilling or otherwise).
He then suggested that such changes can cause a man to become more open, more honest, more truthful, and more authentic. I THOUGHT I was all that when I was married, but man was I wrong. It took a few years for me to re-center myself around my core values. I have shared them here before. And with all this in mind, here are a few things that I picked up along the way, and I hope they help you in some way:
Finally, these things hit us all very differently. Hell, the ways I handled adversity at 20 years old is quite different than how I handle it now. So it stands to reason that the impact of these experiences will vary from one man to another.
But the important thing to remember a few things:
One you do this (let go of all these pills - blue or otherwise), fully and completely, only then will you be able to meaningfully pursue your true final form