A recent post on TRP.red prompted this reply. The question was related to the good things that one has done as a parent, and what we might do differently. Here is my response.
Things I think I got "right"
I could write a book. Not necessarily because I am a perfect Father, but because the lessons are myriad.
Things I think I got "wrong"
The Results (so far):
All three of my children are fucking rock stars. I am not joking.
How the hell are these even my kids!
(Ok, Ok. I know what wiseass comments are inbound. Then again, they do look like our old mailman. Hmmmm.... Anyhoo.)
The eldest regularly backs me up with the two younger ones. This matters a lot. He often says things when they don't think I'm listening, like: "Yeah dumbass, why do you think Dad is always saying that"
It's like having an assistant Dad without expecting or planning it.
Finally, there is a BIG element of luck in all this. They had family around them when their mom died (many years ago). They had their formative years being cuddled, spoiled, loved, fed, nurtured, and instilled with good values by their mom. She was truly a one in a million mother. Very sad and tragic she's not here to see them blossom in the way that they have.
Also very lucky, is the fact that their mom passed when they were all over the age of reason. I became their only parent juuust when kids need to shift from baby to adolescence; which is when they need their Father more. The timing could not possibly have been better (if I can even say such a thing). Any younger and they would not have that imprinting that a good mother provides. Any later and they would have been teenagers dealing with the death of their mom. Holy moly, one could say a lot about that right there.
Add to this - no angry arguing parents; no playing one parent off the other; no man-hating feminism bs; no arguing over custody; no power plays, no new boyfriends of mom to muck things up; and no awkward shared parenting mess, etc..
Most importantly, I get the impression that they really like being with me and each other. We're very close and there is a lot of love in this house.
Their mother's death was a gift in a lot of ways. I know how controversial this is to say, but I stand by it. And I think they know it deep inside.
I hope this helps. I'll add more if I think of anything later.
Good luck fellow Dads.
How important are your wedding vows? Not just the "don't cheat" part, but ALL of the vows.
Since forever, we have heard lamentations about how bad men are and have always been. Most of us have been fed a steady diet of this throughout our lives. But I rarely hear anyone even allude to how women hold up their end of the bargain in marriage. We hear the worst stories, but it has to get THAT bad before it even shows up on a rage bait video.
I cannot speak for others, and an anecdote hardly rises to the level of data. But I would be big money that most married men would corroborate my experience. To wit...
_________________________________________________
So, when I got married, my wedding vows were as follows:
"I, (Me), take thee, (Her), to be my lawfully wedded wife
"To have and to hold from this day forward"
"For better, for worse"
"For richer, for poorer"
"In sickness and in health"
“To honor and respect”
"To love and to cherish"
“Forsaking all others”
"Till death do us part"
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As some of you may know she passed away many years go, right after our divorce.
When one gets divorced, I suspect it is common to spend a lot of time reflecting on "What went wrong" and "What can I learn from this?" Well, that's what I did. To be clear, I did NOT catch her cheating. She may have, but I never even got an inkling about any shenanigans.
So what could have gone so wrong, you may ask? Simply put, she broke almost all of our other wedding vows.
> To have and to hold from this day forward
I believe she loved and cherished me until the end, but she most certainly did not "hold" me in the later years.
VERDICT - 50% FAIL
> For better, for worse
I am not sure what this means exactly, but she had ZERO ability to handle any uncertainty. I changed jobs and careers a few times to chase more money. And we got wealthy as a result. When I slowed down, I think she resented it.
> For richer, for poorer
When I left industry for a calmer 9-5 existence to be closer to my new family (at HER request) my salary naturally went down. She resented this.
VERDICT - FAIL
> In sickness and in health
I could regale you with countless stories about how weird she would get with me when I got sick - which was, luckily for me, very rarely. She would become irate and resentful if I ever took a day off for having the flu, or a stomach thing. MAYBE 1-2x a year maximum. It got so bad that in the final year of our marriage, I called out sick, left as if I was going to work, and parked in a parking lot so i could sleep in the back of my car just so i didn't have to deal with her bizarre behavior.
VERDICT - FAIL
> To honor and respect
No comment necessary. Too many examples to recount.
VERDICT - FAIL
> To love and to cherish
To "cherish" implies appreciation, protection, and a sense of emotional attachment.
She loved me and I am confident that she did from day 1 until the very end. But this one was also 50% at best once we had kids.
VERDICT - 50% FAIL
> Forsaking all others
As I have said, I did not catch her cheating. But she did start having a few "just a friend" sorts of things over time. I also had an issue with here communicating online late at night with people who were strangers to me.
This was the final straw for obvious reasons to most men here. Nonetheless...
VERDICT - FAIL
> Till death do us part
She couldn't hold it together for longer than the marriage lasted, so she failed at holding up these vows until death.
In all fairness it was ME who ended it, so I will take accountability for my role in the "until death" failure.
VERDICT - 50% FAIL
Now anyone reading this should rightly ask "ok Mr. DD, how did YOU perform in the marriage. Did YOU also honor those vows?
My answer is, I would give myself a B. But not for any of the vows or criteria above. Where I failed was in a few ways:
1. I could not avoid getting a cold once every few years. And when i get sick I want to be left alone for about 24 hours. This made me weak in her eyes. Perhaps I could have been even more stoic?
2. I could not hold frame 24x7x365. I am pretty stoic as most men go. I never cried in front of her (although she might have seen me shed tears from a distance at my father's funeral). But I would definitely get riled up by her once in a while. I DID get sucked into her arguments and gas lighting attempts. I failed at this - not in an epic way, but slowly and insidiously over time. As the saying goes - it was a death by a thousand small concessions. My fail for sure.
3. I became a "dad". That meant that my hormones changed and I became a playful, fun loving, goofy dad. i put on weight, and i got domesticated. And I loved every minute of it. But that was selfish of me. My woman and my children don't need to see me enjoying being a father - they just need me to BE one. There is a huge difference to me now. But before i discovered TRP, I was clueless about this dynamic. of course she lost respect and attraction to me. I was no longer a dominant, former military badass dangerous guy with a motorcycle and the threat of violence and excitement hovering around us wherever we went out. Like it was in the old days.
You, good reader, can make of this information what you will. But my own takeaway from my own experience (which is quite a bit more complex than I have laid out here) is
I divorced my wife because she broke ALL of our wedding vows, likely because she somehow got it in her head that, as long as she didn't cheat explicitly, almost anything else was fair game*
Have a good day.