This post will get me thrashed. I'm sure of it. Why? Well, what I'll share will go against almost every 'masculine' line of ideology that men who profess to know Red Pill thought hold at their core. Basically, after reviewing my behavior through the writing of this post - I seem pretty gay. I'll admit it. Read further.

However, I will say this preemptively, after reading one of the first side bar linked readings, titled "To the 'Game doesn't really matter that much' crew: you've all been lied to" (https://theredarchive.com/archive/34665), I came to a realization that game, is the internal state of mind that precedes PUA. Now, I'm sure that plenty of people will, have and may redefine game, but for the sake of my argument, let's just go off of the definition given in this post - "It's your charisma, your social intelligence, and your proficiency in the art of seduction. Game is the deeply-ingrained belief that you are confident and self-sufficient, which manifests itself in the form of outcome independence." i.e. a state of confidence in oneself - thoughts/emotions and ability to utilize them to manifest your intended outcomes and be OK no matter what happens. Okay. So there's that.

Why is that important? Why did that article even come to mind? Because I have been a long time lurker on the forums. I have also learned the surface level PUA stuff. The fun stuff. The outward manifestations of internalized game that are the drawing point for peoples attention when they first get into wanting to learn about game. Watch a video of Mystery talking about this and that and how it all coalesces to the point of banging super hottie 10's all the time etc. etc. I could grasp the surface level stuff, DHV's the DLV's all that stuff that mimicked the internal state the aforementioned article refers to, yet I wasn't at a point where I needed to delve deeper into the minds of the men who discovered these principles and discovered how to systematically manifest them to produce success with women. They really understand WHY they worked. I didn't understand the mental point of origin that these PUA principles manifested from. I was just attracted to the glitz and glamor of what happened when they were manifested.

I say all this because I can recognize the shallow line of thought in comments throughout Red Pill forums. People who talk about 'you should do x y z to get this result' or 'you're being a pussy man up.' < That type of bullshit. But I would venture to suggest that many who post here don't TRULY UNDERSTAND the WHY of the principles - the point of origin of where the principles came from. And that's ok. For all intents and purposes.

Seriously, I'm not knocking it. If it works it works. Why would I care where all the ingredients in the sausage come from and the history of sausage making, if I know how to make it and enjoy it. The depth of pain required to reach that point of mental abandon talked about in the "Confessions of a reformed Incel" are THE point of origin (from what I can tell) that many had to reach to begin to break apart the system and understand it. Quite frankly, I don't want to have to get to that point. I want to internalize and understand their pain to such an extent that I never have to go there but still know WHY the principles work.

I don't want to have to pee on the electric fence to find out it's not a good idea. I want to learn from the people who have come before me, and really, really know the truth like they do. With that being said, Because I can operate the principles from understanding how to apply them, I have had success with them. Until I hit the point that I am at now. Being left when I didn't want the relationship to end. This has me thinking about how the fuck did this happen?

Remember the definition I loosely defined as being able to manifest the desires results. Well this breakup situation has me sitting back looking over all of the success I had with operating the principles i.e. the PUA and now looking at the train off of the fucking tracks asking myself, what the fuck happened? It seemed so sure. With that said I'm sure hundreds, if not thousands of men, that operate the principles of Red Pill logic find themselves in this boat, and I'm sure there are many like myself that don't fully grasp the depth of understanding behind them. Like I said before, the people who lack this depth are easy to pick out because of their 'man up pussy' comments. And those are the ones I will probably get thrashed by, which is okay with me. Part of the process is being honest about who I am, what I have done, and growing through to the next level so here it is.

My name is NNK. I imagine no one will read this for some time. I have just recently joined TRP.red. So therefore, no one has any knowledge that this blog exists. At some point I'm going to need to direct some traffic to my thoughts because I'm really here for discourse. And I don't imagine that most of the people who comment will have anything worthwhile to say...but that's ok.

Most people in the world don't have anything worthwhile to say....yet there they are. Existing sharing their two cents about every little thing that happens, and if they're articulate enough, if they look a certain way, if they check a certain number of societal boxes that say they're 'qualified' then people will listen, they ideas get credence and another social commentator is born, even if they have little qualification to speak. The thing is most people aren't qualified to speak. What do I mean by that. Most people don't have experience about what they are speaking. They may have knowledge, they may have studied the topic inside and out they may have the ability to articulate their thoughts but when it comes down to it, they don't KNOW what the fuck their talking about but because they don't have to. They 'check all the boxes' people listen and people take their word as truth. Oh, yea confidence is one of those boxes. The confidence is king. Reading enough red pill material, one has to be convinced of the necessary pre-requisite that confidence is in everyday interactions. But confidence does not a qualified speaker make. Well, that point could be argued.

Pretty much everything I say can be argued and that's why I am here. To debate to learn, to grow. But most importantly to express my thoughts and emotions. Why? Because for the past 5 years I have suppressed most of my real thoughts, not to myself but to others. I have acknowledged my emotions but have very seldom acted according to them. Why? Well, that is simple, to share thoughts with others in open discourse exposes your position to others and to play the game well, to advance towards predetermined goals, you aid that advancement by not sharing your position. That is strategy. You use what you know, don't let others know what you know and maneuver in the way that best aligns with your objective, in the long run. The emotions piece...well I have ignored those for such a long time because emotions aren't facts....feelings aren't facts. That's the thing. I believe that the feelings that we have are a helpful tool, or at least they were for most of man kinds existence up until the recent shift in modern day human to human operations.

Emotions are so easily manipulated now by advertisers and businesses, companies that want to make money from the manipulation of your emotions. And while this is a nebulous statement, a general statement that few would argue with, my personal feelings have taken me on one hell of a ride when I had let them be the motivators for my actions rather than allowing my guides to be reason and logic. See, my feelings always caused me to act in the short term in ways that were emotionally gratifying. They caused me to do things that in the short term felt good, but in the long term looking back over them, I never had anything to show for it. However, when I confronted this after living a life based off of feeling (that ran me into the ground due to drug addiction) I finally had to realize that feelings weren't facts and living to appease them was a fruitless endeavor.

This has been a gradual process. I have worked tirelessly towards predetermined goals.Working long hours doing things that I don't like because logically that is the 'best' course of action. But the thing is that ignoring my emotions for the past several years has landed me in the predicament I am in now. What could that be NNK? Well this is it. Because I have ignored the things that make me 'feel' good, in favor of the things that are 'good' for my future, because I have allowed logic to predominate thought, I have lost touch with who I am. How do I find myself in this predicament (let's call it robot syndrome), where every thought every action, every little thing is calculated to produce the most effective, efficient return towards the end goal? I will tell you.

Well I will tell you how I recognized it. Yesterday, laying on the couch after intervals of reading "The Manipulated Man" and doing things to enroll for classes for the next semester, after going to the gym (1.5 hours), after praying and meditating, I found myself sitting in a state of mind of mental/emotional exhaustion. All of these things are good. Yes? Most would agree...I think. They have all served their purpose over the course of the last 5 years. Yet they do not make me feel good, they are a not a reprieve from the monotonous existence of my life. They are the monotonous existence of my life. I do them day in and out because they are good for me because the fruits that they bring but the fruit is not satisfying. Is this a symptom of my being an addict? Quite possibly. Nevertheless, I have previously existed in a state of contentment, doing the things that were good for me AND ALSO ENJOYING THE PROCESS, but that was years past and here I sit far removed from that, laying on the couch after a breakup, asking myself "What do I enjoy?".

See the thing is that the breakup isn't the end of the world for me. I know this because well, I have been through several breakups before. My mind and emotions always bounce back and because of my shrewd financial and social calculations I am never the worse off for it. But, even knowing all of this, having experience walking through these in the past and coming out on the other side better off than before this one hurts, it hurts because of several things. It hurts because I lost the only 'comfort' in my life at this point in time. Mind you I said 'comfort' not 'joy' because quite frankly it wasn't a joy, it was pleasant but it wasn't a joy.

She cooked and cleaned and did things for me, she bought me things an let me have sex however and whenever I wanted. But I MANAGED the relationship. I never participated (was fully myself). See she was beautiful, most guys would say a 10 or at least a 9, and that coupled with the work that she put in to get me to 'love' her was pleasant. It was pleasant having someone wrapped around my finger. It was. I cannot lie. It was validating, that someone would recognize me as such a high priority as I also see myself (I guess I'm somewhat of a narcissist) and do everything I wanted. But the thing was I didn't enjoy that relationship because I couldn't be myself within it. Why is that? Because I was afraid? Well maybe partially. I did enjoy the benefits and didn't want to jeopardize losing them by being myself but even if I were to start being myself I wouldn't know where to start.

Because of the shrewd calculations I have made I have suppressed who I am for so long I couldn't tell you what makes me who I am, aside from that I am trying to improve myself in every way systematically (robot syndrome) and that was my personality throughout the relationship. Ya it worked. Ya I was hard. Ya I understood some of the basic concepts of red pill thought and applied them judiciously, effectively. But if you were to ask me what I enjoyed i.e. what gave me joy to do I couldn't tell you, I could tell you what made me feel good but not what made me joyful. Really. And this left me with the inability to connect on a deep level with this girlfriend or anyone else. But I'll be honest even if I did know, I recognized that her capacity to understand was greatly limited due to her lack of intelligence and emotional depth (read "The Manipulated Man" and contemplate the depth of women) and I was okay with that because here I was ticking along with someone to subsidize my working efforts and give me whatever I wanted. But inside I was dying to know what really made me happy.

Okay, back to laying on the couch. See I know logically, as stated before that the breakup isn't the end of the world, not anywhere close, it's the beginning of a new chapter, in all rational thought the breakup benefits me more than it hurts me well for several reasons, I won't go into them because I've talked about them with other people in my life so much already that I am tired of rehashing them but THEY ARE THERE AND I'M WELL AWARE OF THEM. But sitting on the couch asking myself, "What do I enjoy?" That was what really got me thinking, and feeling sorry for myself because I have denied myself to actually indulge in the honest joys that i truly have for so long I couldn't tell you what they are. So I ask myself when did I feel fulfilled before? When was I able to enjoy myself for who I was before? It was long ago in middle school before I became interested in girls. Before I learned that you could take drugs to cheat the brain and receive the feelies from something that was ultimately horrible for you and not do the actual work. Before all that's when I felt most joyful about doing the work but about who I was. But why?

Ultimately, I think it comes down to this. In that time period, I wasn't worried about impressing other people, I wasn't worried about guarding my reputation for the sake of future benefit, I wasn't worried about looking foolish for the thoughts or emotions that I expressed and I truly deeply enjoyed being myself. Allowing myself to play with ideas and thoughts and expression of my emotions. I felt one with myself, especially when people disagreed with me because I was congruent with my beliefs, inwardly and outwardly. But the thing is I recognize that this kind of haphazard processing of emotions and thoughts is detrimental to my future well-being, for several reasons, I won't go into them either (read the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene if you disagree).

So, where I am now is that I have to learn to be okay and not just okay but happy and in love with myself all over again to really enjoy the life that I have. I do believe at some point I will have to bring my full self to any situation in person, but in the process of finding that person and hashing out my thoughts and ideas I know that there will be some bumbling and missteps and I want to mitigate them as well as possible so as to cut into my future prospects with career, finances and social status.

So here I am, an anonymous poster. A poster who is hurting because I have lost who I am. A poster who is looking to learn about himself again and minimize the drawbacks of doing it publicly until I can bring who I am to light, with minimal repercussions (hopefully with all of the benefits.) I am currently in monk mode. No sex. No porn. Side bar everyday. Working out. Talking with close men. Trying to figure this out, because I have to learn how to enjoy and love my life otherwise it is not worth living....despite any financial and social success. I look forward to learning from you, growing with you, sharing with you my thoughts, ridiculous or not, and being who I am for the first time in a long time. Hello World.