CorporateLand: The Deportment Department, or How to Behave
Published 10/03/18 by VasiliyZaitzev [0 Comments]

CorporateLand: The Deportment Department, or How to Behave

TL;DR: How to stay out of trouble in social situations at work, plus some other random shit.
Alcohol
The Number One way to fuck up your otherwise awesome career. It used to be we’d all go out, get hammered, misbehave and there was an unspoken agreement that, the next day, everyone would pretend it didn’t happen, even if a late night call for bail money had to be made. Sadly, those days are Way Long Gone. Now, you will get fired for that shit…or even the appearance of that shit.
How, then, not to get too drunk and behave like an asshole? Happily, there are a number of ways. Read on.
First, I read somewhere, once, about how the father of [famous person whose biography I was reading] always had a glass of alcohol in his hand at parties: the same one he was handed by the host when he arrived. He would simply nurse that one for hours. Fine if that’s what you want to do.
Second, if you set a limit based on your tolerance and comfort level. That limit should be 0-2 drinks, inclusive. After that ask for a glass of soda/tonic with a lime wedge. Nobody will know the difference, and, after a couple pops, you won’t either.


Third, if all else fails, never be drunker than the 3rd drunkest person there. You do not want to be on the medal stand. The gold medalist will draw the most shit on the next business day and the silver and bronze guy will catch some heat, too, but if you’re 4th or lower, you should be mostly ok.

Holiday Parties
These are joyless affairs that fit nicely into Hobbes’ description of life: Nasty, Brutish and Short. Well, except for that last one. They are often interminable. And the plot comes down to, as Chinese Gordon said, “People who don’t like each other standing around uncomfortably, eating food they don’t want to eat, drinking things they don’t want to drink and talking about things they don’t want to talk about.”
So what to do? I treat holiday parties like I treat family reunions: get in, tell a couple of jokes, relive the old times, and then get out before it blows.
Typically these things are structured as dinners. Fine. Eat, drink (a little) and be merry (but not too merry) and then get out. If it starts by 7 or 8, your goal should be to get out by 9 or 10pm. Your mum was right: Nothing good ever happens after 10pm. If you have a date, and someone doesn’t want you to leave, then it’s because she’s not feeling well. Men (older men like bosses) will never question that because what if it’s, um, ‘female troubles’? Exactly, we treat that shit like kryptonite. Or you can just leave.
A couple of cautionary tales.
I used to work with a guy we will call Jack MegaDouche, because that’s what his name should have been. Jack was a great guy. He was a great guy even when he was drinking. Until he got to “a drink too far”. Then he became Evil Jack. Seriously, it was like a Jekyll/Hyde thing. He’d go from being your best buddy to getting the evil “Private Pyle” look from “Full Metal Jacket” and taking a swing at you. It was like he’d dropped off a cliff.
So at the office Christmas party, I see him by the bar, and I stop and say hello, just as the Telltale Drink arrives. About the point that shit was going to get bad—like he was going to take a swing at me for no reason, and I was going to have to step out of the way so his follow-through carried him past me—one of our co-workers arrived, and I took that opportunity to beat feet. So anyway, two guys tried to put him into a cab, because he was hammered and he took a swing at them.
Oops.
So the next day at work he had a shot at saving his job, but he came in Still Drunk and started arguing with his boss, who stopped the meeting after 5 minutes and fired him on the spot. Don’t Be That Guy.
We also have a guy who brought a couple of escorts last year. He has a $100M book. They were actually discussing firing him.
Let me repeat that: he has a $100M book. That used to make you bulletproof. As in taking a dump on the CEO’s desk would probably be forgiven. No longer. Now, we didn’t fire him, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
Gifts
The Sphincter Police—you know the type… “But…but…but that might look bad!!!” …the kind of turds you want to punch in the face for being turds—have ruined corporate gift giving. So basically when it comes to gifts and (more commonly) business dinners, everyone ass-rapes their corporate policy and STFU about it. We also have a “per person” cap on business dinners, so what happens is the guy running the dinner just adds people.
Business Dinners
Another thing the pencil pushers have tried to ruin. The third of fourth time my current firm got bought, the new owners put in a per-person limit on dining expenses. The solution? Suddenly, there are twice the number of people at dinner. I asked a VP once if he enjoyed dinner last night at Maison Trop Chere. He demurred that he had not been at it, to which I replied, “Oh, well…you’re going on the expense report.” This was in front of the CEO, who chuckled.
Your enemy in all this is the Evil Expense Goblin. They are little pinheaded morons who think they have total scored by disallowing an expense. They beat off at night at the thought of catching someone charging an in-room movie. It’s that bad.
The best thing you can do to up the quality of your meals is have a VIP customer with you. We have a guy who sends us 8 figures a year, and that first number isn’t a “1”. He gets whatever he wants. If he wanted to go to a French restaurant, in France, I am pretty convinced we would find a way to make it happen. The more unassailable your companions are the easier your reporting life will become.
I used to have a friend at Amex who would jump me ahead of people on short notice at hard to get into restaurants. The kicker was I’d have to use my personal Amex because he knew my account backwards and forwards and if he ever caught shit for it, he needed to be able to pull up the numbers, show his boss that we’d dropped a lot of $ on wine, etc. The Expense Goblins no likey. Why? Because we had gotten corporate cards along the way and it was thereafter VERBOTEN to use personal cards for corporate expenses thereafter. 1
So what to do? This is one case where I asked permission first, rather than begged forgiveness, after. I am the “go-to” guy at the company for the upper right-hand part of the country. If it happens north of DC and east of Indiana, it’s got my fingerprints on it. I shot a note off to our CEO, Daddy BigBalls and he approved it. I forwarded this note off to my admin and everything was cool. The dinner went great, client was happy, and my expense report….
…got rejected. That was Five Large on my personal card. Fuck. Now, the Expense Goblins are not known to be creative thinkers. That’s why they do what they do. So my poor admin had been trying to get this approved and kept getting nowhere, mostly because she’s a sweet girl. So I have her forward the email chain to me, and sure enough, all the way at the bottom was the approval. So I shoot a note back to the Goblin in Chief with the following note:
“Pls. scroll to the bottom where you will find the following message: ‘Approved. Daddy BigBalls’. That’s who my next phone call is going to. Let me know how you wish to proceed.”
Translation: “Hey, fuckhead. I realize that you have a brain the size of a walnut…a very small walnut…that has never been used, but you have ten minutes to get your head out of your ass or you’re getting fired. I’m counting backwards, starting now….”
5 minutes later, I get a note back “This is approved”. No shit it was approved. Now go back to gazing at your navel, or whatever losers do when they’re not fucking up.
= = = = =
1 Most corporate rules are fucking stupid, but this one actually makes sense. Why? I could, conceivably charge up a lot of shit, get reimbursed for it, and then return it. Is that fucking stupid? Sure. Yet people do it.
Sex, Religion, Politics
Topics to be avoided.
Sex
It’s work, not a singles bar. Sure, it’d be fun to nail Amanda in Accounting who plays tennis all summer, has a savage tan and superbly toned ass. Maybe it’s worth it to you to nail her, I don’t know. OTOH, all it takes is her feeling “weird” about you one day and your ass is grass.
If you do want to fish off of the company pier, it would be better for you to pick someone who has more to lose than you do. I used to bang a 23 y.o. Admin. She pretty much had the “Rear of the Year”. Dat Azz was PERFECT.Anyway, she also had a fiancé, so the last thing she was going to do was rat me out. We had a fun time, then she got married, and it was hands off. I am pretty sure he’s the father of all of her kids. Pretty sure.
Note: Engaged women seem to go through a phase b/w Acquisition of Engagement Ring and Wedding Day where they need constant validation of their continued appeal to men who are not their future husbands. Maybe not every one of them, but it’d definitely a trend. So you might score or you might have her pull a “What?! You KNOW I am engaged to be married!” Just be careful.
Oh, and here’s how crazy women can be. I know a woman who works at a Famous Wall Street Bank. If you name the first four of five big financial institutions you can think of, it will be one of those. So she's an admin and starts fucking a guy at work. And she's totally cool about it. The guy's wife finds out and raises Holy Hell. She basically forces the guy--who is, as it turns out, a total pussy--to make it a work issue (she also rats out my friend to her husband; they were amicably separated and in the process of divorcing and he couldn't have given a shit, but that's how vengeful this bitch was).
So what happens? The guy was actually on track for big things. HR calls my friend in and asks "What do you want?" And pretty much what she wanted was going to happen. Think about that for a bit. She basically said that she wanted all the bullshit to go away, and to keep working there, and she wasn't going to complain and would basically be a good citizen.
They transferred the guy from HQ to an office that was maybe 45 minutes away, but it might as well have been Alaska. Or the moon. He was going to make the $ he was making, but his fast track career ended the day he let his crazy ass wife start making work decisions for him.
So yeah, there is a >99% chance that you can bonk a chick from work and nothing catastrophic will happen. But it's like a kidnapping; it's a low frequency/high impact event. And Bob MegaStar might survive it, but you, noob, are not yet Bob MegaStar.
As the Italians say, "Don't shit where you eat" (only they say it in Italian.)
Religion
If you’ve found God, great for you. Ask him WTF is up with cancer in children and why he seems to send tornados to destroy trailer parks, and finally: Women. Massive design flaw or did he do that shit on purpose?
Then ask him if He can make a rock so heavy even He can’t lift it and watch him vanish in a puff of logic.
The only acceptable mentions of religion are “the wedding is at ‘Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility’ parish in June,” or “The baptism will be held at St. Trinian’s Church for Wayward Girls” or “The funeral mass will be at 77th Baptist on 76th street at 7pm.” Otherwise, nobody gives a shit, and those that do will be “offended” about it.
Politics
This is also a no-go these days. It used to be that if you disagreed with your neighbor about politics that was ok. You’d make fun of each other and go back to being friends. Now everyone gets their Man Panties twisted up over it.
I was out with a hard core right wing evangelical that I work with, who quite sensibly understands to keep his opinions to himself, for the most part. The two guys on the other side of the table were from a consultant, and one of them chose to lead off with his deep abiding hatred of George W. Bush. He even knew he shouldn’t have, because he said so, all while his partner was looking at him like “Will you, for god’s sake, STOP FUCKING TALKING?!” So I waited for a pause and said “Yes, but on the other hand, I understand he has a fine singing voice.” So the guy looks at me like, ‘Wut?’ and I say, “Oh, I have no idea if he does or not, but you were clearly trapped in some sort of death spiral and I was trying to spring you out of it” that broke the tension and the conversation moved on to business.
You never know what the beliefs of your customer/counterparty/business partner are and these days you don’t want to find out in the wrong way.
How to Recover if You’ve Stepped in it
A few months ago, I was out with a business partner, and this time it was me who had too much wine and we really got into it about some or other politics thing. In the context of our long relationship, this was “ok” but not great. All within the realm of civilized society, of course, but still. Neither he nor I ‘punish’ other people for having different views. So anyway, the next day he rang me to ask about some things he already knew the answer to, but really he was taking my temperature to make sure I wasn’t still hot about whatever it is we were arguing about. It worked out fine, and at the next dinner I made some crack about going easy on the wine lest some of my more obscure views escape out of my mouth and everyone laughed. But you can’t count on people being cool anymore.
The one office lib decided to wax poetic about Bernie Sanders win in NH – and no surprise, everyone in CorporateLand regards Bernie Sanders as something between a joke and a bacillus – and you could just see the collars heating up. So I interrupted the guy and said, “My biggest concern about Sanders is, if he’s here, who is going to help Marty get Back to the Future?” Dumb joke? Sure. But it killed that particular asshattery and the conversation moved on.
If you get juiced at an office function, you can expect to have to spend the next 4-5 such functions sober as a monk, unless everyone else was juiced, also.
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CorporateLand: Restaurant Lockdown for Sales Guys
Published 10/03/18 by VasiliyZaitzev [0 Comments]

CorporateLand: Restaurant Lockdown for Sales Guys

Introduction: Just a short CorporateLand post, primarily applicable to sales guys, but also helpful for others.

Body: So when the economy is in recession, guess what industry gets nailed? Well, trick question, because there's more than one, but restaurants, especially fine dining. Back during the "Great Recession" high end restaurants were begging for business. Fleming's in Boston would pick you up in a Merc anywhere in the city, give you a discount on wine, and drop you off afterwards. Times still aren't great so there's plenty of opportunity out there.

So how does this advantage the RP sales guy? Simples. If you are the kind of sales guy who gets to wine/dine his clients, you should be able to capitalize. How?
Pick a high end restaurant or two. And no, not Applebee's. Pick a place that you can bring multiple customers, so you want to pick something with fairly broad appeal: Steak, French, Italian, yes, Indian, Vegan, seafood {exclusively}, no. A locally owned one is probably going to be more open to it, but sometimes you can get a GM with a brain in his head. Go in during non-busy times, ask to speak to the GM. Introduce yourself, give him your card. Explain to him that you are in sales and you often have occasion to take your clients out to dinner. You can drive business to his place, but you want to feel comfortable there.1
Ask for the following things:
First, you want to be greeted by name by the Maitre D', without introduction.
Second, you want to be shown to your table, immediately. It should be waiting for you. You know how you go into a place and they have a little "RESERVED" sign on different tables? That's what you want. Indeed, they should be perfectly willing to let you choose your table, since you're there already.
Third, you would like the chef to make a visit to your table during the meal. This may not always be possible, but if it's not busy, and you're a VIP, they will make it happen. Alternatively, they might suggest a kitchen tour, because it's easier for them. Other places will say "Fuck, no!", and well, you can either forgo that bit, or pick another place.
Fourth, another option is a kitchen tour. I have been in more NYC kitchens than I care to, but I have a customer who loves that shit, so I've been in kitchens where they don't actually have a tour, but made one up for us on the spot. One included their very dramatic wine cellar, and another one made us up some cocktails involving liquid nitrogen {there's a reason they have 3 Michelin stars}.
The above cost the restaurant zero dollars, and they should be happy to accommodate. If not, take your business elsewhere.
Now for the nitty gritty: things involving money
Fifth, ask for a discount on wine. The mark-up on wine is fucking enormous, like 200 or 300% or more. Ask for 30% off, go down to 25% if you want. If they get a bottle for $85 {the vineyard price on some very good pinot noir I favor} and sell it at $270 and you get $90 off, they still are making nearly double what they paid. You might also ask for this discount when you come in on personal business, i.e. with the wife/girlfriend/primary plate and/or out of town guests. This is more akin to having a restaurant on "lockdown", as one reads about from time to time in the Manosphere. What you do on this is up to you. The only real benefit is if you are trying to keep expenses down for your own benefit. To wit, we have a client who sends us 8 figures a year. That guy we go long for. DRC? No problem.
An aside about wine.2 If you can, ask to meet the Sommelier, and the Captain while you're meeting the GM. In fact it's not a bad idea to ask to see the kitchen at the initial meeting. If you can meet the chef and/or sous chef then, great. I realize this seems like overkill, but it's nice for people to be able to put a face with a name. A word about the Som. When you are at a restaurant and either are not familiar with the wine list or you are in the mood for something new, ask to speak with the Som. Explain that you have $50 or $100 or $200 to spend on a bottle of wine that night, and you would like him to recommend something. If you have likes or dislikes, let him know. For example, I might say "My price point tonight is maybe $150. I like Central Coast and Oregon pinot noir, but would not be averse to trying a different varietal. I dislike Australian wine3, but I like Tuscan reds, for example or things that have some heft but aren't so big that I have to eat them with a knife and fork, like a big Cabernet." 4 People become soms b/c they're really into wine {if your som isn't then you need to start seeing other restaurants}, and therefore will knock himself out to get you the best bottle of wine at/near your price point, and using your parameters.
Sixth, you can ask about being billed at the office on 7-14 days. It would be highly unusual for a restaurant to agree to this, but sometimes it's easier to give them one thing they say 'no' to. One thing you do want is to end the meal without the customer seeing the bill, or having it presented at the table. You can either make arrangements in advance, or simply get up after dessert/coffee has been ordered {but not delivered} and excuse yourself, taking care of the bill on your way to the Gents. It adds to the impression that you're a baller, and this restaurant is like your private club.
Seventh, do NOT cheap out on tipping. My firm won't bat an eyelash at a 20% tip. If you can get away with tipping more, do it. You're investing in the relationship. It's also ok to send the chef a brief note of thanks/compliment on the back of your business card. When I'm dining on my own dime, I prefer to tip in cash. Nothing says "great job" like new, crisp Yankee greenbacks.
Eighth, your job is to be a gracious host, the restaurant's job is to help you. If anything goes wrong, address it privately if possible, and do not blow your cool. As an example, I once had a n00b server at a high end joint accidentally spill wine a small amount of wine on me {I had turned to talk to the person on my left, and when I turned back, I startled her, accidentally, as she was pouring and she flinched}. It mostly hit my skin {hand}, and then some on the tablecloth so it's not like my suit needed dry cleaning. This was a non-big deal to me but, unluckily for her, the Captain had arrived at exactly that moment. I insisted it was All My Fault and handled it with aplomb. I see her now and again at the same restaurant, where she's moved up in the ranks and she never fails to come over to my table {if I'm not already in her section}, greet me by name, and extend courtesies to me. It never hurts to have a friend....toward that end....
Ninth, if warranted, review the restaurant online. For one of my regular joints, I wrote a review titled, "If Heaven Has a Restaurant". Why? The food and service warrant it, and it also buys a shit-ton of good will. I emailed copies to the 2 Maitre D's I deal with and they told me that it was read out loud at their staff meeting by the HMFIC, who then added "This is how people should feel after they eat here." The review cost me nothing beyond the time it took to compose {less than one hour, on company time, anyway}, and you had better believe that the red carpet comes rolling out when I go there. N.B. if I am going to a restaurant where I am, as I like to say, a "known guy" {my own slang for being a regular}, and there's some sort of special occasion involved, then I mention to the Maitre D. Oh, and if there's a food allergy in your party. Fucking tell them. First when you make the reservation and second at the table.5

How To Taste a Wine

The bit where you taste the wine is mostly theater. You're really checking to see if the wine is corked or otherwise not in proper condition. This rarely happens these days, but is still possible, when natural cork is used; a bottle with a screwtop or a synthetic cork cannot be 'corked'. It may have other problems from improper storage, but it won't be corked.6 So does your wine have have an 'eau du musky basement with notes of wet dog' scent about it? Then it's corked. Not likely, but possible. If this happens to you, put the glass down, and ask the som to taste it. He will pour himself a bit and investigate. If it's really corked, the restaurant should have no problem making amends.
So the wine will be brought to table and presented. Make sure that it matches what you ordered. Mistakes are rare, but possible. When you are ordering, it's also perfectly fine to include the bin number, as in, "Let's start with the Peter Michael Moulin Rouge, 2008 {if they have more than one vintage}, bin number 8342" It's not necessary, but they won't toss you out for it, and it makes it easier for them. I will typically do this with French wines, because my French pronunciation will someday land me in Language Jail in Paris for Crimes Against The French Language.
Once the wine has been presented, assuming it is the correct bottle, simply nod your head, or ask them to pour it. The cork will be removed and placed on the table. Leave it where it is. Sometimes I crack a joke about how I'm tempted to screw the cork into my ear and say "Sounds good! Pour it!" Diners at my table will laugh because they've never heard that, and the som or the waiter will laugh because, well, they pretty much have to.
The som will pour a small amount of wine into your tasting glass. Swirl it gently so that the wine swirls around the glass no higher than half way. You can do this holding the stem or by using your hand on the base of the glass without it leaving the table. Your primary goal is to keep the wine in the glass, and your secondary goal is to aerate it a bit and see how it will taste when it opens up. The lines that trail down the glass? Those are "legs" or "tears". They used to be deemed important by some, but really it's a function of the alcohol content {or viscosity} of the wine, and it has nothing to do with quality, but if someone thinks otherwise, don't ruin the illusion for them.
Next, smell the wine. Get your schnoz deep in the glass and take a good, deep whiff, but only one. First, you are seeing if it's corked. Second, as smell and taste are closely related, you are gathering information about the wine.
Take the wine into your mouth. Some people will draw air into their mouths, and the sound will be similar to someone getting that last bit of soda or shake out with their straw. Again, this is to see how the wine will taste when it opens. Get a sense of the 'heft' of the wine.
Lastly, swallow. Hold for a second. That's the wine's "finish" or aftertaste. If the wine is acceptable ask the som to pour it.
When can you send a wine back? I have a rule for this. If there is something actually wrong with the wine, i.e. corked, improperly stored, otherwise damaged, sending it back should not be an issue. If you just don't like it? Hmm. For me, that's a "no". If I fuck up, that's my problem. This is why I recommend scouting the wine list in advance, and looking for old friends. Why? If it's a business dinner, I want it to go smoothly, and I want to stack the lineup with winners.
A couple of other notes:
Some places will have a 'reserve list'. This is the "Big Boy" wine list. It's going to {or should} have excellent wines on it. They are also going to be costlier than what's on the basic list. If there's a reserve list and you know about it and your guests don't, and you casually ask to see it? That will make them feel warm and special, and people who feel warm and special like being around you, and they like buying from you.
What if there's someone who is more experienced with wine at the table? Don't be afraid to ask their opinion. Indeed, this is the very reason I am invited on customer dinners, to lay the lumber down on the wine list. Also, customers over 40-45, especially the long-marrieds, want to hear all about my travels to exotic locations and my banging of women half my age, so they can daydream, later, about being half as cool as me. Puts on Wayfarers. More seriously, if there's someone at the table, it's always fine to include them in the discussion. For example, I sometimes dine with a guy who is much better than I am with French reds. Guess who chooses the French reds? Exactly. If that guy is at the table, he's in charge of France, and I'm in charge of Italy and California. It's a great way to learn about wines outside of your usual neighborhood.
Finally, wine tasting is far more art than science. It's about the experience."Black currant, red cherries, forest floor...with notes of toasty oak" If my wine glass had pine needles in it, I would fucking send it back to be strained. I didn't develop taste for wine until my late 20s. But I do know what I like, so I will usually describe the nose, heft and finish of the wine. Great wine is meant to be shared, and properly deployed it can help build camaraderie and relationships.
Conclusion:
  1. With economic crisis, comes opportunity.
  2. Locking down a restaurant can DHV in both SMV and BMV (business market value), often for little or no cash outlay beyond the meal.
  3. People like cool people, and clients are no exception.
===+++===
1 If you have an idea of how much, I'd mention.
2 I know a lot about the wines that I like to drink. I thought I was going through a Pinot Noir phase, but it turned out to be my life. West coast (USA) wines are home for me. I am also fairly comfortable ordering French wine and Piedmont or Tuscan wines, and non-Pinot California reds. And don't believe that bullshit in Sideways about Merlot. People drink Merlot b/c it's like drinking a Cab, only without the punishment. Oh, and speaking of which, I also sometimes drink South American wines, although the experience is like being punched in the mouth, except you sort of like it. Chilean wines used to be $6/btl before they got 'discovered'.
3 I do. Australian wine makes me sweat like it's 105 in the shade on a humid day. At least both times I had it. After the second time? Fuck Australian wine. For me, I mean. I'm sure it's fine for other people. Australians, for instance. Maybe kiwis, too, but none for me, thanks. Also, if you have a wine allergy, then don't drink wine. If you want to anyway, try having a Claritin and an Ibuprofen before you drink. Why? Claritin will work for most people, and the Ibuprofen will help if you get ill ("red wine headache" for example) while not reacting with the alcohol like aspirin or Tylenol would. If Claritin doesn't work, try something else, or stick to vodka. Incidentally, some folks can drink Italian red, but not California, or vice versa. It's just a matter of finding what you like.
4 I might name specific wines to the Som, but I'm trying to write it in a way that might help neophytes. If you have some favorites, it's ok to share them, but you're going to wind up with something that tastes a lot like them, which is fine if that's what you're going for, but not if you really want to expand your horizons.
5 Food allergies. If anyone has any food allergies, by which I mean actual real food allergies, like celiac disease or something else, as opposed to a food "preference", such as "I'm low carbing it to get cut" or whatever. For example, I don't eat certain shellfish (bivalves) because experience has taught me not to. If it has legs or a face (crab, lobster, arthropods) then its ok, but bivalves? No. If you have any food issues in your party, tell the restaurant, first when you make the reservation so they can note it and second when you are at the table. Restaurants do NOT want diners to become ill. Help them help you.
6 There are many good wines that come with synthetic corks or screw top. Erath is a highly drinkable PN. Not my favorite, but nothing wrong with it, and yes, it's screw top.
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