How to communicate needs and problems to others without undermining his leadership or damaging his authority is an ongoing challenge for men in general, but especially for reforming Betas who are newly unplugging. Many are stuck in a pattern of thinking there's a simple continuum between passive and aggressive, which suggests the only direction for improvement from a history of passiveness is toward aggression. This raises certain questions: How can I learn not to be a passive Beta Man without turning into that asshole? How can I decisively lead in my social group, family, workplace, and relationship without causing resentments and unnecessarily hurt feelings by upping my aggression to get my way? The solution lies in a new dimension: Assertiveness.
Assertiveness means standing for and expressing your own needs and position, WHILE being aware and respectful of the other person's needs, position, and authority.
A widely misunderstood concept. Many people are wary of the concept of assertiveness, largely because it becomes conflated with aggression. Some of the early champions of the idea in the early 70s earned a poor reputation by recommending techniques that amounted to passive aggression, active aggression, or were just downright annoying; the Broken Record Technique comes to mind. The concept of Assertiveness has become refined over the decades, and can have a positive effect on all relationships in our lives. Assertiveness isn't automatically emasculating or submissive as an alternative to aggression, nor does it mean affecting an annoying salesperson-like or abrasive, hyper-dominant persona.
Assertiveness is a way to maintain frame that helps you get your way, but charismatically, not by inditmidation or brute (verbal) force. It can end up making others want to do what you want them to do, rather than out of coercion, shame, or other negative (thus on the aggressive continuum) social pressures. Even its proponents and beneficiaries often don't fully understand the concept. Assertiveness is almost like an orphan life skill; many of us pick up elements as we go, and we can all benefit from it, but it's seldom formally taught or understood.
A recent insight I had into the nature of assertiveness
You're probably familiar with the idea that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Indifference is in a different, cooler plane than the heated polar opposites of love and hate, and is thus opposite of both.*
Love <------------> Hate
\ /
\ /
Indifference
I realized that in a very similar manner, the opposite of passivity isn't aggression; the opposite of both passive AND aggressive is ASSERTIVE.
Assertive
/ \
/ \
Passive <-----> Aggressive
Because it works both upward and downward in a hierarchy, and usually satisfies all parties, it's as though assertiveness exists in a higher plane than aggression and passivity.
How does assertiveness work? A functional leadership or Captain role frequently requires facts to be proactively brought to the Captain's attention, but this can always be done in a manner that respects his authority. When a Captain addresses his subordinates with assertiveness instead of aggression, it can actually increase their respect and loyalty over purely authoritarian methods. Assertiveness can be used by both parties while maintaining a hierarchy of roles. This is because assertiveness means expressing your own needs, while understanding and respecting the position of the other party. It seeks win-win outcomes, and by its very nature takes away the root cause of most conflicts, clashes, and power struggles, for it leads to interpersonal transactions with outcomes that both parties desire and work toward.
Why do I need to learn assertiveness? Carefully scaled aggressiveness has its place in attraction, initial boundary establishment, certain defined roles (Officer/soldier, boss/employee, parent/child, Dom/sub), and average or baseline behavior on an ongoing basis as a long-term Captain of a relationship. However, in more developed, therefore complicated relationships, pure unbalanced aggression becomes a hindrance to a smooth-running hierarchy of power. It might frustrate and anger the same SO/First mate in some contexts while it attracts and pleases her in others.
Where aggression is often expedient in the short term, such as in an emergency, management of all types of long-term relationships becomes easier when the well-being of the subordinates is considered in the Captain's decisions. Assertiveness is a tool that accomplishes this automatically, and is a way to balance raw Alpha energy without swinging in the direction of a supplicating Beta.
This is functional, streamlined, the First Mate or subordinates have involvement and a stake in the final choices, and the Captain still maintains his ultimate authority without being burdened by details he's delegated or extra work dealing with the effects of bruised feelings and egos around him.
Examples of different approaches to various life situations
| Situation | Passive | Passive-aggressive | Aggressive | Assertive |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Dishes left in kitchen sink | Says nothing, internalizes the problem with depression, psychosomatic ailments | 1 complains more loudly about something different, 2 leaves his own dirty dishes somewhere important to her | "You're such a slob! Always leaving dishes in the sink!" | Could you please at least rinse the dishes after each meal like we discussed? |
| GF stays out later & later on Ladies Nights | Same as above | 1 Same 2 "I'm going to start going out late too..." | You're always staying out late! I demand that you stop! | I'm having X problem when you stay out so late, let's talk about it when we get home tonight. |
| Guys in next campsite blaring music your direction | Same as above | Turns own music genre up ridiculously loud | "Turn that shit down, asshole!" (fight or passive aggression all weekend ensues) | "Hey guys, I notice the music is pointing away from you and toward me. Let's get it turned toward you so you can enjoy your music and I can hear mine inside the motorhome." |
| Woman cuts in line | Roll eyes, makes scolding noises to nobody in particular | Hide two of her groceries in the magazine rack when she isn't looking | "I was here first, bitch!" <pushes cart ahead of her roughly> | Excuse me, the line forms back here, perhaps you didn't notice... |
| Subordinate still not doing task you ordered | Ignore situation and fume | Complain to spouse about situation after work, randomly cause difficulty for the person | "You're still not getting X done like I told you, what are you, stupid or lazy?" | "John, what was the conversation we had about doing X?" |
| Wife's hair is sticking out funny | Make brushing gestures on own hair | Ignore it, let her embarass herself | Jeez, you look like a homeless person! You'd be a mess without me watching out for you! | Sweetie, you should look at your hair before you go out. |
| Pulled over for speeding | Fumes internally, pays fine, yells at kids when they want something needing money | "Other people were going that fast you know!" | "Why are you picking on me? Don't you have real criminals to catch?" | "Gosh, that sounds pretty fast all right. Here's my license and insurance, check me out and see what you need to do here." |
| Boss chews you out for situation not your fault | Accept rant, take out frustration on subordinates | Open a can of sardines behind his desk drawer | "I'm doing the best I can out here, now it's like you're picking on me!" | "I share your frustration with that outcome. Instead of recriminations, let's see how we can fix this." |
| AMOGger takes over weights you were using | Fume about it, join a different gym | Piss through the louvers of his locker next time he's there; sneak off with a weight he needs | "Hey, wait your turn, asshole!" | "Hey big guy, I'm John. If you want to work in let me know, I'll stay and help spot you. What's your name?" |
Assertiveness is a form of communication that transcends the passive-aggressive dynamic and is compatible with long-lasting, healthy Captain-First Mate relationships and strong, charismatic leadership roles.
Assertiveness is poorly understood, but is a valuable concept for women seeking healthy, harmonious long-term relationships in life and a system for communicting within a balanced, respectful power structure.
If your Alpha Game is well calibrated, but you find your SO or subordinates are submissive to a fault and are inhibited from communicating with you when you need, direct them to this article's complement, Assertiveness for Women Edit:Format