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@fumbor thanks man, and I'm glad it helped.
Long read ahead, probably the longest post I've ever made on here but I think it would help you a lot since I used to be you, probably even worse
I was so utterly blinded by my own thoughts, ideals, desires, preferences, inexperience, and issues back then that I just couldn't see straight when it came to girls.
Like I said, there are 4 girls that I could have circled in my yearbook that I oneitised at times. Just 3-4. I ONLY wanted THEM. I was extremely inflexible about it.
...
Her name was Lindsay. Like your oneitis, Lindsay was very feminine, good parents, she was smart as hell, she was in the Talented and Gifted (TAG) program with me, she had a fantastic body (as good as a 7th grade gets but stayed fucking hot into college) and she didn't really have any noticeable red flags, and she lived in a one minute walk away from me
I liked her a lot and on the last day of school she missed class and when my mom picked me up she said Lindsay's mom called her and said Lindsay wanted to hang out with me over the summer.
#IN THE FUCKING PALM OF MY FUCKING HAND
Do you you know what I did with that golden opportunity? I didn't say anything. I basically ignored the question. Mom sheltered me and said I couldn't date a few years prior. It was confusing so I just didn't answer it at all.
I waited all summer long (3 months) thinking about how great it would be to see her and have her as my girlfriend. I built this giga fantasy in my head about starting my relationship with her when school started again.
I got to school on the first day and her friends were mad flirty with me. I went up to her friend in private and slipped her this super fucking gay note asking her "if Lindsay still liked me" cause she was giving me a cold shoulder.
The friend asked Lindsay, came back, and said
...
I was depressed as fuck. Instantly clinically dead inside. I think I tried one more time and got shot down. Her friend told me to stop looking at Lindsay, IN FRONT OF HER. Shit fucking killed me.
I got suspended from school later that year for being suicidal and I was mad depressed for like 4 years straight. I thought about her uncontrollably for 4 years straight and regretted every second of not going out with her. I even asked for her number even though she had a BF.
Lindsay worked as the secretary assistant and I was so depressed that I asked the secretary at the desk if I could also be one. I got the position instantly.
I was so elated to sit in front of Lindsay every single day. It was euphoric seeing this perfect unicorn 3 feet away from me every day
My addiction to her clouded my judgement into oblivion. I asked for her phone number one day. I pulled out my phone, heart racing and pounding out of my chest, and just asked for her phone number. She said
#No, I don't give it out
I left the desk and cried in the hall like a bitch. Insult to injury she asked if I was okay when I got back.
I was openly insanely depressed after that to the point I slept at the desk in front of her most days. I was in love with this girl and we never even dated or touched.
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I fell hard for the first girl that touched my arm the next semester and invited me over (we didn't do anything but she flirted physically), and due to an unfortunate snafu, she accused me of stalking. A second pretty girl I was friends with ended up doing the same shit with a stalking accusation (for doing nothing)
I ended up in the hospital twice.
I ended up self-injuring a month later. I found some concrete outside and tore up my forearm to the point it looked like a horror scene.
...
I was really fucked up my last year of high school, a lot of people asked why I had full arm bandages on, but due to some weird circumstances ended up getting a ton of popularity senior year.
I think my raw unadulterated hatred gave me this disciplined, extremely aloof sigma male vibe. People constantly saw me on walks when they drove around town, I was a Chad in gym class too (but not really outside it)
I improved my style and fixed a lot of my autism just by hanging with a new close friend in a coed friend group
...
I got mad IOIs from a TON of popular girls. I mean top brass hot. Girls in my grade and even the grade above me too.
In gym class we had to piggy back ride each other for some reason and this 8.5-9 bombshell just climbed up on my back instead of the jocks. Her 8 blonde friend hit on me. They both said "hi VRx!!!" In a fuck me high pitch feminine voice as I was walking to my car one day.
Hot popular girls from school at the mall would give me mad flirty eyes when they saw me and my fucking dumbass didn't talk to them. I got stopped in the hallway all the fucking time by stupid-hot girls. They'd hug me and giggle and flirt even as they walked away. They hugged me several times a day even
Hot as fuck girls would glare at other hot as fuck girls talking to me and people would call them out on it.
Even the jocks started accepting me except for some of the try hard insecure ones.
I got invited to so many popular kids graduation parties it was ridiculous. I got numbers from hotties without even trying, they gave them out to me. I forget how but they did.
Fucks sake. One girl was a literal model in a magazine and she hit on me. They blew me kisses. This shit was fucking unreal.
It was insane fucking clout for no reason other than that I guess I was so sigma male DGAF mysterious that these girls were just spamming attention at me.
I could go on about the attention I got but the list would be way too long, it was stupid lucky.
...
EVEN ONE OF MY FUCKING ONEITISES FROM 8TH GRADE WAS HITTING ON ME HARD. A FUCKING PREVIOUS ONEITIS
My clout was so bad a car fucking pulled up to me in the fucking dark on a 2am walk one night and I couldn't even see inside the car and heard a flirty as fuck "hi VRx!...." I don't even know which hottie it was
...
But do you wanna know how many of these absolute hotties I fucked my senior year??
kissed?
Hung out with at all?
...
I got zero experience with even attractive girls because I denied hanging out with them or doing jack shit about it.
I had a solid 9 ask me "are you doing anything Friday?" and I said some inane autistic shit because she wasn't one of my oneitises. I actually really regret that one. Probably like the top 1-3 hottest girls in the school
ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I WAS SO HUNG UP ON NOT GETTING THE RELATIONSHIP I WANTED
That and I became friends again with girl two that I got the false accusation with and tried to get closure the whole time instead of talking to hotties.
Most retarded thing I've ever done.
My friendship with her ended and I dropped out of highschool like a month later 3 months early.
...
I still thought about Lindsay for like 10 years total. I kept thinking about how if I'd just hung out with her that summer I would have avoided all that shit ever. I even thought about that after I lost my virginity I think, although less badly.
...
Do you want to know what happened to all of my oneitises?
They used to all be HOT 9-10 to me.
.
1) Lindsay, my worst one. She was hot as fuck most of college too. Posted a bikini pic of spring break and I had to rub out a nut instantly after seeing it.
I ended up transferring there. She was in a sorority. Last year of school she gained beer weight, got married, and last I checked she looked chubby and lost her greatest features.
Perfect body and face down the drain.
2) Samantha M. Fucking dime piece, every dude's wet dream in school.
Fucking fat whale now. Saw her 3 years after high school in like 2014 and she was a fat fucking whale.
Even in 2022 she still never lost the weight. I saw her at my gym and she was still fat.
She got married to a fit guy at 18, he got scammed so fucking hard I cringed hardcore on his behalf when I saw it. She's 30 now.
Dude has had to fuck a fat whale the last 8 years of marriage after locking down the hottest girl in school at 18.
Perfect face and tits. One of the few 10s I'd ever rate and she's disgusting now.
.
3) Michaela. Was hot as fuck. Got pregnant as a single mom a year after high school and is a fat whale now. Has a bunch of hideous tats.
.
4) Ashley. Got chubby and pregnant. Is engaged now, probably to the baby daddy.
...
None of these women stayed 9s and 10s man.
Even the two girls that I wasn't oneitised to but dicked me over.
Kayla, girl 1) fat and ugly now. Went from a 6 to a 4
Sam S, girl 2) was hot, probably a 8-9, is now a fat 3 with probably a 100 body count. Her body count was 30 in 2012 when I last heard and I've seen her on tinder the last 3 years. Always has a new account to get railed.
...
I missed out on all those hotties, dropped out of high school, didn't save any of their contacts, and lost my virginity to a fairly chubby 5 out of desperation.
You know what I learned though? That affection and sex STILL felt better than all of the longing I ever had for my oneitises.
Would it have been better to have had the oneitises? Yeah, sure. I wish I'd banged or dated them instead
But as a human being the affection and sex from a less attractive girl still felt good. I'm still meant something to me.
You're a much higher smv dude than I was. You don't need to settle on a 5, you could easily lose your virginity to an 8
...
But my point is, you're sacrificing the growth you could have when human touch and connection with attractive women that are below your highest standards still feels amazing.
You're young. I'm grappling with my regrets at 30 and the social stunting that caused me and I'm just now almost back to the clout I had at 18 with hotties.
Don't be me
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