Biden To Defeat Skin Cancer By Ordering Americans To Avoid All Sunlight For 100 Days babylonbee.com/news/biden-to-defeat-skin-cancer-by-ordering-americans-to-wear-sunscreen-for-100-days

Biden To Defeat Skin Cancer By Ordering Americans To Avoid All Sunlight For 100 Days

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In his ongoing effort to defeat all forms of death, local elderly man and completely legitimate President-Elect Joe Biden announced that he will end skin cancer forever by ordering Americans to avoid all sunlight for 100 days.'Look, this ain't complicated, folks,' he said in a conversation with his left sock. &quo ... | The Babylon Bee

New MLM Business Literally Just Makes You Sell Bags Of Garbage To Your Friends babylonbee.com/news/new-mlm-business-literally-just-makes-you-sell-bags-of-garbage-to-your-friends

New MLM Business Literally Just Makes You Sell Bags Of Garbage To Your Friends

PALMETTO, FL - If you’re looking for an exciting multi-level-marketing business to join in order to make a little extra cash and show your friends what an awesome boss babe you are, look no further. While many MLM businesses struggle to come up with an interesting or useful product for their independent sales managers to sell in order to pretend they ... | The Babylon Bee

Unemployment Rate Among Cuomo Brothers Rises To 100% babylonbee.com/news/unemployment-rate-among-chris-cuomos-rises-to-100

Unemployment Rate Among Cuomo Brothers Rises To 100%

NEW YORK, NY - The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics is reporting a drastic rise in the unemployment rate among brothers in the Cuomo family, saying it has increased to a record 100%. 'This is unprecedented among Cuomos,' said BLS Commissioner Bob Labor. 'Contributing factors may include a struggling economy, as well as the fact that ... | The Babylon Bee

10 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Conservative Child babylonbee.com/news/christmas-gift-ideas-for-your-conservative-child

10 Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Conservative Child

With Christmas just around the corner, you're probably looking for unique gifts that tell your children how much joy they bring to your life as well as the importance of limited government. Worry not, shopper! We at The Babylon Bee had our top researchers working tirelessly to br ... | The Babylon Bee

Ghislaine Maxwell Trial Begins With New Judge Billslav Clintonovich Presiding babylonbee.com/news/ghislaine-maxwell-trial-begins-with-new-judge-billslav-clintonovich-presiding

Ghislaine Maxwell Trial Begins With New Judge Billslav Clintonovich Presiding

NEW YORK, NY - After the Ghislaine Maxwell trial began in Manhattan, the judge chosen for the trial disappeared under mysterious circumstances. In his place, a brand new judge named Billslav Clintonovich has been brought in to preside over the case.'Order to court,' said Clintonovich as he sat down and twirled his mustach ... | The Babylon Bee

Disney Digitally Alters Bart Simpson's Catchphrase From 'Cowabunga!' To 'Taiwan Is Not A Sovereign State!' babylonbee.com/news/disney-digitally-alters-bart-simpsons-catchphrase-from-cowabunga-to-taiwan-is-not-a-sovereign-state

Disney Digitally Alters Bart Simpson's Catchphrase From 'Cowabunga!' To 'Taiwan Is Not A Sovereign State!'

BURBANK, CA - At the entertainment giant’s world headquarters, Disney Imagineers showed off new technology that uses artificial intelligence to scan the more than 700 episodes of 'The Simpsons' and replace Bart Simpson’s probably-offensive catchphrase 'Cowabunga!' with the much less problematic and more profitable catchp ... | The Babylon Bee

Santa To Replace 'Naughty Or Nice' List With 'Vaxxed Or Unvaxxed' List babylonbee.com/news/santa-to-replace-naughty-or-nice-list-with-vaxxed-or-unvaxxed-list

Santa To Replace 'Naughty Or Nice' List With 'Vaxxed Or Unvaxxed' List

NORTH POLE - In a major break with hundreds of years of Christmas tradition, Santa Claus will not be using his famous 'Naughty or Nice' list this year. Instead, Father Christmas will be keeping a list of vaccinated and unvaccinated children. 'With the pandemic entering its second Christmas season, Santa felt the traditional &ls ... | The Babylon Bee

CNN Brings Back Chris Cuomo To Host New Show ‘To Shield A Predator' babylonbee.com/news/cnn-brings-back-chris-cuomo-to-host-new-show-to-shield-a-predator

CNN Brings Back Chris Cuomo To Host New Show ‘To Shield A Predator’

ATLANTA, GA - CNN has announced that they will bring back Chris Cuomo to host a new addition to their evening lineup of shows, titled To Shield a Predator.'After news broke about Chris Cuomo using his sources to protect his predator brother Andrew, we thought we’d have to fire him and lose literally dozens of viewers,' said CNN producer B ... | The Babylon Bee

Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Baby Murder babylonbee.com/news/supreme-court-to-carefully-consider-pros-cons-of-baby-murder

Supreme Court To Carefully Consider Pros, Cons Of Baby Murder

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on abortion law this week, where they will carefully weigh the pros and cons of murdering babies with metal tearing instruments and high-powered vacuums.'Man, this is a tough one! Maybe we should make a list of pros and cons,' said Chief Justice Roberts, according to sources. 'Ca ... | The Babylon Bee

She's Back! Aunt Jemima Signs 12-Year Contract With Doritos babylonbee.com/news/shes-back-doritos-signs-12-year-contract-with-aunt-jemima

She’s Back! Aunt Jemima Signs 12-Year Contract With Doritos

U.S. - After a brief hiatus amid racial tensions and increased anti-ethnic-mascot sentiment, the beloved Aunt Jemima is back, having signed a new 12-year contract with Frito-Lay. 'We are proud to announce that Aunt Jemima will be the smiling face of our products for the foreseeable future,' said Frito Lay CEO Bob Chippington. 'At&n ... | The Babylon Bee