More context - I currently sponsor another gay dude. Seriously, I'm not looking for these guys... they come to me, and due to the nature of the program if someone needs help then I try my best. I do let them know that we're not fucking...this whole deal is about you getting clean.

More context - I take care of myself very well physically - pretty boy type looks, nothing over the top no makeup or eyebrows but I do spend about 10 hours in the gym each week.

More context - I prefer to sit when I pee, not in public bathrooms or anything but if I'm at home I'd rather sit down. (This one for sure will get me roasted.)

More context - I have gay regulars that come in to see me where I work (they tip well) and I had been open about this with the ex girlfriend- they have invited me out to hangout, although I haven't taken them up on this I have considered it. Just when the virus started they began reaching out and offering financial assistance – tempting as it was, the strings that would be attached to it weren’t worth it’s acceptance.

More context - When the virus started and money began to get tight, my gay sponsee suggested I think about a onlyfans account. I considered it - obviously the clientele would be men - I planned to just workout maybe do some jerkoff vids in private sessions. After, considering that I would be selling sexual material to gay men, I didn’t feel right about it. So I didn’t go through with it. (Ex-girlfriend planned on doing an onlyfans too so we discussed these ideas together)

More context - A buddy of mine came over one night during the virus and I was sharing the onlyfans idea with him (he's not gay) and setting up the profile but was having trouble with finding any good pics (for someone as vain as me I don't take a lot of pics) He has an iphone and said let's do some now. We did, he was actually pretty good at taking the pics... they started shirtless, then turned to nudes. Girlfriend came home when we were just wrapping up (I had a towel on) and was pissed - "we were supposed to do this together" and "Did he see your dick?" I didn't think anything of it. I had been on sports teams my entire life and never thought anything of showering in front of men, so it didn't seem a big deal, plus I was considering the onlyfans thing so I thought, what the hell, if a dude sees my dick, if I do onlyfans that’ll be the name of the game anyway.

I'll be honest, as I write this and reflect on it, there's a pretty good case that I am a closeted homosexual. Holy Shit! I did not see it this way until I compiled the story like I have. It's fucking absurd. No wonder, she decided to leave, this guy who she was deeply in love with, did everything for, who never validated her OR told her she was pretty OR showed appreciation for the person that she tried to be to appease me didn’t do those things not because she wasn’t good enough (because she knows how good she is…duh every guy tells her how she’s perfect) he didn’t do these things because HE’S GAY. Ok. So let’s be real here, with the perspective painted like it is here, it would seem that’s the case. However, I am pretty sure I’m not gay. Nonetheless, her hamster had to rationalize why I treated her so different than every other guy and I literally handed her the perfect fucking alibi, on a pink doily lined silver fucking platter. GODDAMNIT.

I never even stopped to consider that this could be the reason until I started reflecting back on the turn of events. Because everything was GRAVY for so long and boom….then it wasn’t, at least to me. Boom! In hindsight she had her escape plan laid out. She already had another guy lined up. But until now I couldn’t wrap my head around how she got over me when I had her like I did. But this seems to make perfect sense. I know it’s crazy to think that I didn’t even recognize this as a potential frame demolishing situation but here I am.

I would tell myself that I was not going to show her appreciation for the things that she should be doing anyway. I would not acknowledge her beauty because other guys did that incessantly and she didn't need to hear it from me. I was afraid I would get lumped in with the other dudes and become another one of them. I recognize that physically, she is/was very beautiful, although I could pick apart her minor flaws and hell I've done that to every girl that I have ever been with anyway. But I always was looking for ways that she could improve, and she would. When she was under my spell she did everything that I advised her to do - nails the way I thought looked best, hair the way I liked it, no fake tanning anymore - pale natural ghostly skin, bright red lipstick, thin figure from the dieting and workouts I instructed her on. Yet, I never gave her the appreciation that she deserved for the effort she put in because of fear of losing her. And, hell maybe I'm gay.

I had another poster comment on my previous post telling me, "that rumination isn't a man's friend' (or something like that) and I don't intend to ruminate. However, I do intent to understand what the fuck happened, what I could've done differently to control the outcome of the situation better. Because it didn't work out the way that I wanted it to. Boo hoo, I know. But I will do better next time. The girl I was with, well I was with her for a while. Eh. I don't really want to get into the details of the relationship but I will say this. She was the most submissive girl I have ever been with who also displayed the highest propensity for hypergamous behavior.

Some of my highlight reel - when I met her we were introduced by a friend of ours (beta orbiter) who was being friendly, I acknowledged her and sat down. She stared at me and I stared into her fucking soul. I could see who she was, an attention whore that needed validation of men that she felt were superior to feel good about herself. This fucking disgusted me. She was just like the rest of them. I could see right through it, but she was good looking. She approached me later and asked me a mundane question about some of my tattoos but I was uninterested in her small talk, I dismissed her question with sarcasm. Why would a guy ever treat her like that (she thought)? She was hooked from then. She told me later she knew that she was going to make me hers. HAHAHA.

I put her on 'Whispers' point system and plated her for 9 months before she had earned enough points that I would consider her a girlfriend. (Side note: see how I understand the principles in action and have used them proficiently up to this point, yet still am missing something within myself that actually equates to what I would consider game. I am able to implement the tactics yet the reason for them I don't fully understand yet. Nonetheless, I am getting results.) Back to story....she sticks around doesn't cause any trouble and eventually presses me for a relationship. Honestly, I didn't consider her LTR material. I could see through her personality too well. But I caved due to fear of losing her and also fear of being unable to handle the current lot that life had thrust onto me that was more difficult than I had ever handled on my own. I.E. lack of 'outcome independence' - as defined by the definition of game above.

Things progress swimmingly - she's in love with me, does anything I want. Buys me things - tattoos etc. never any problems, what I say goes. Best treatment I have ever received in a relationship, to date. This continues, for another year. I was content, I was not in love, but I was content. I didn't connect with her on a deep level but it was good enough. My standards, in hindsight, weren't high enough. I utilized several principles throughout the course of the relationship that kept her wrapped up. (I get long winded and don't want to go through them all) Essentially her self-esteem was based off on my judgement of her. That's perfect - that's right where I want it. But when I lost control of the frame all of that resentment that she had about not being validated by me, like how other guys validated her - all of that resentment and confusion and frustration that kept her on the hook, it rebounded and well here I sit today.

So how did I lose frame? This is the part of the narrative that will get me roasted. Quite frankly, I don't feel too bad about it - learning experience in more ways than one. Essentially, I think that she became convinced I was gay. She used that rationale to make sense of why she never got validated by me. What? Convinced I am gay? Ya. Seriously. But how could someone who has Red Pill knowledge 'act' gay, without actually being gay? Well, maybe I am gay, although I don't think so. I'd like to think I know myself pretty well. But from the outside....well I lost control of the frame and didn't consider how all of the actions I will mention made me look like a raging homosexual.

Set the scene - I am in recovery. I sponsor people (1:1 work through a 12 step program that helps people get clean). I am attractive, pretty boy attractive, always have been. I'm also intellectual and emotional. I am proud of these things, more so now after reading the "The Manipulated Man," and agreeing with Esther Villar's assertion that man is essentially the only 1 of the sexes that can experience such a wide array of thought and emotions. Due to these traits, I attract attention from both sexes. How does this matter? I sponsored a bi-sexual guy for a period of time but the relationship didn't work out. He got high and blamed me because I had sex with a girl whom he orbited. In hindsight, shouldn't have done that, but being a fucking addict, validation from women is a problem that I am currently realizing that I have to overcome on the path to internalizing 'game.' Anyway, I hadn't overcome that then and so I slept with someone because it made me feel better about myself, not thinking of the ill will it may cause. Live and learn. Anyway, this guy trashed me, as gay men tend to do, he gossiped. I don't know what he said to my girlfriend at the time but it was along the lines of me being a closeted homosexual. It came up recently, but she wouldn't tell me exactly what he said to her, although I could infer due to the context.