More context - I currently sponsor another gay dude. Seriously, I'm not looking for these guys... they come to me, and due to the nature of the program if someone needs help then I try my best. I do let them know that we're not fucking...this whole deal is about you getting clean.

More context - I take care of myself very well physically - pretty boy type looks, nothing over the top no makeup or eyebrows but I do spend about 10 hours in the gym each week.

More context - I prefer to sit when I pee, not in public bathrooms or anything but if I'm at home I'd rather sit down. (This one for sure will get me roasted.)

More context - I have gay regulars that come in to see me where I work (they tip well) and I had been open about this with the ex girlfriend- they have invited me out to hangout, although I haven't taken them up on this I have considered it. Just when the virus started they began reaching out and offering financial assistance – tempting as it was, the strings that would be attached to it weren’t worth it’s acceptance.

More context - When the virus started and money began to get tight, my gay sponsee suggested I think about a onlyfans account. I considered it - obviously the clientele would be men - I planned to just workout maybe do some jerkoff vids in private sessions. After, considering that I would be selling sexual material to gay men, I didn’t feel right about it. So I didn’t go through with it. (Ex-girlfriend planned on doing an onlyfans too so we discussed these ideas together)

More context - A buddy of mine came over one night during the virus and I was sharing the onlyfans idea with him (he's not gay) and setting up the profile but was having trouble with finding any good pics (for someone as vain as me I don't take a lot of pics) He has an iphone and said let's do some now. We did, he was actually pretty good at taking the pics... they started shirtless, then turned to nudes. Girlfriend came home when we were just wrapping up (I had a towel on) and was pissed - "we were supposed to do this together" and "Did he see your dick?" I didn't think anything of it. I had been on sports teams my entire life and never thought anything of showering in front of men, so it didn't seem a big deal, plus I was considering the onlyfans thing so I thought, what the hell, if a dude sees my dick, if I do onlyfans that’ll be the name of the game anyway.

I'll be honest, as I write this and reflect on it, there's a pretty good case that I am a closeted homosexual. Holy Shit! I did not see it this way until I compiled the story like I have. It's fucking absurd. No wonder, she decided to leave, this guy who she was deeply in love with, did everything for, who never validated her OR told her she was pretty OR showed appreciation for the person that she tried to be to appease me didn’t do those things not because she wasn’t good enough (because she knows how good she is…duh every guy tells her how she’s perfect) he didn’t do these things because HE’S GAY. Ok. So let’s be real here, with the perspective painted like it is here, it would seem that’s the case. However, I am pretty sure I’m not gay. Nonetheless, her hamster had to rationalize why I treated her so different than every other guy and I literally handed her the perfect fucking alibi, on a pink doily lined silver fucking platter. GODDAMNIT.

I never even stopped to consider that this could be the reason until I started reflecting back on the turn of events. Because everything was GRAVY for so long and boom….then it wasn’t, at least to me. Boom! In hindsight she had her escape plan laid out. She already had another guy lined up. But until now I couldn’t wrap my head around how she got over me when I had her like I did. But this seems to make perfect sense. I know it’s crazy to think that I didn’t even recognize this as a potential frame demolishing situation but here I am.

I would tell myself that I was not going to show her appreciation for the things that she should be doing anyway. I would not acknowledge her beauty because other guys did that incessantly and she didn't need to hear it from me. I was afraid I would get lumped in with the other dudes and become another one of them. I recognize that physically, she is/was very beautiful, although I could pick apart her minor flaws and hell I've done that to every girl that I have ever been with anyway. But I always was looking for ways that she could improve, and she would. When she was under my spell she did everything that I advised her to do - nails the way I thought looked best, hair the way I liked it, no fake tanning anymore - pale natural ghostly skin, bright red lipstick, thin figure from the dieting and workouts I instructed her on. Yet, I never gave her the appreciation that she deserved for the effort she put in because of fear of losing her. And, hell maybe I'm gay.

Tip Namenooneknows for their post.