OF DESTRUCTION! A very wise man once said "I don't wanna die without any scars!"

I tore myself down to see if I had the strength to rise from the rubbish. From getting banned, to being called a creep at an ice cream shop THAT I STILL GO TO, girls don't appeal to me as much as they used to!

I remember the first time I went to that coffee shop...and a few more times after that...and some other places of interest...anyway,

it was fuckin packed for a small coffee joint. I had a couch in the North-corner of the first area of the shop. 3 seater + 2 coffee tables. I decide to write a little before doing any socializing. Observing the people around me, listening to them speak about Nothing and Everything irrelevant. Start off with the ladies closest to me: a a women in her 50s + a younger, black student from BC, visiting in town, studying the same field as me: psych! Pass her a note. See ya never. PYSCHE! nah, jk, never saw her again.

Older fellas at the table right by the entrance..."good afternoon! can I interest you guys in a game of cribbage?" Mr. Grouchy-Cripple doesnt waste anytime telling me to "fuck off!" IF I WERE 40 YEARS OLDER MOTHERF!@L#J K:LJNHT@$T..

A father and his child, enjoying an afternoon in a coffee joint..."good afternoon! mind if I join you and your son for a bit?" "not at all!" Wife's out at yoga; came in to buy her some coffee beans and spend some time with his son. I was under the impression he was a single father, but was proven wrong. Business owner. A lot of responsibility on this man's shoulders - heart seems to be in the right place: he's concerned about making sure his employees are taken care of, all this while looking at his son. Oh, what do ya know...he knows my former racist employer- TS! No surprise, they're both in construction. Have my notes about him some where...

A LEAF! Unique or fake...here we go: "hey you. Come here. *fingered her over* what kind of music do you listen to?" She says jazz, I tell her "one of my favourite drummers and biggest influences comes from a jazz background!" hmm...she's disengaged and a liar. Try writing her a poem! She likes riding bikes...I have a bike...*we should go for a bike ride some time!" Nope.I ask her about what kind of music she actually likes, and then... "you're being creepy!" she says from behind the counter. "Okay. I'll get an ice cream cone - scoop of cookie dough and tiger-tiger in a waffle!" I pay, go sit down so she has to bring it to me like the thick, crater-face server she is! I wonder if you're a student... "Guess your looks ARE all you got..." Surprise! I pass her in the halls without acknowledging her, but that dog...could she be First Nations...gives a fuck. disrespectful bitch - id stare you into your place, but i dont wanna step on this retarded dog! he's so cute! or she?...AND WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A DOG WALKING AROUND...

The pains of rejection and embarrassment like that would have killed the socially anxious, complaisant, beta me, literally. So, I did what I had to and killed all the beta I had left by DOING - I remember the cops coming to my favorite spot: I just proceeded as if they weren't there by singing along to my favorite music and dancing on the ledge to make them wait to tell me I was banned from TavUn. - totally unnecessary. A phone call would have sufficed. I wondered why he asked.."Are YOU a danger to YOURSELF or ANYONE else?" Absolutely not. "good answer" - Got badge #s and names. I'm packing up and I realized I have my exacto-knife sitting out right beside my Footlong steak+cheese in? on? flatbread - salt+pepper&chipotle - no veggies. I vape, eat, sing+dance, bike home and sleep.

A swinger with children...interesting that she's so attracted to me...I've done nothing...said little...I need to piss. Heading back outside the FastFoodJointofChoice, she's on her knees restocking bread-spread, she takes a quick look at my dick - Well, I ain't never fucked a married woman before...I'm not chasing no more whores anymore though! "here's my card..." Speaking of which...sign...here. AS...nice writing.

Miss Fortune...coloured dreads..."oh, you like quotes! I got one for you!" I go to my pen and pad, write it on the corner, rip it off, come back inside, she immediately goes "I HaVe a BoYfRiEnD", laughing over at her friend about me speaking to her. I hand her the piece of paper: "I took the time to write it, I'd appreciate it if you took the time to read it." I proceed to go back to what I was doing - singing and dancing on the tables for those who want to eat their Family with family outdoors. Role Model by Eminem..."SUM PEEoPLE ONLY SEE THAT i'M WHITE, IGNORIN SKILL CUZ EYE STAND OUT LIKE A GREEN HAT WIT A ORANGE BILL peripheral*BUT I DON't GET PISSED!interstingY'ALL DONT EVEN SEE THRU DA MIST!WhaThefFuckdidshesay!?*INHERFACE1000%EYECONTACT*HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE WHITE?! I DONT EVEN EXIST!!"lmaodidthatjusthappen?? *continues on as she runs away...in excitement? or horror?

Onto my first ban from any establishment, ever!

Breathe...From the Topple down, now.

I awake. 8am: no time to waste. No alarm, though. No work. NO GIRLFRIEND. Freedom. Anger. Happiness? Sadness. I can manage my loneliness, no problem. Listen to some music. Open the window, Sun is shining. Birds are singing. Smells like fire. Smokey. Forrest Fire. Poor Mother Nature...the cruel bitch can sure take&dish a beating...but for how long...I ask, staring at the concrete sidewalk...openings between the concrete slabs filled with rocks, rather than grass. Wake&Vape!

EmptyColonBladder; FULLBALLSACK. Weighed. 199...wonderland...ShavedShoweredPacked. Keys. H20. Condoms. and we're off...

Spent some of the day here and there. Wasn't feeling the apartment at all, hated being there. Off to the coffee shop for some more writing and it's around...7-8pmMyTime. you know what...I haven't been to the Tavern in forever...I could go for sum wings...I sit at the bar, cause a booth is more than I need, obviously. Salt&Pepper's here! Right on the menu! oh TheViolat0r-ski...you're so punny some times, it's funny. See how ez it is being by yourself, you socially anxious fuck? If you had a girlfriend...bartender's a dude! Nice! He looks like a walking corpse...dead tired...looks like he got zero sleep...pale...hungover, most likely. Folks over at the casino loved to party...so did I . Fuck. Wasted so much time with alcohol...no aspirations! no goals.
I asked him what the most interesting thing about him was and he never answered me, but the server girls chuckled and went "nnoooooo";

"Eh, BT! Whatta ya recommend?"

BT: Sasquatch? Burger.

"I'll have that and a poutine, no onions in the burger though. Can I get a pitcher of water, please? :)"

hmm no black girls, too bad...tattoos...skimpy ass outfits...so...much skin. Wish I had that at the casino...the amount of tips...just for havin tits and bein a lil cute...a skull on her thigh...? really...? That's a dumb place for that, however, the guy across, at subway, has a skull behind his ear...hardheadedx2.

Mr. Security...video gamer. "Trim your beard!!" i tell him. Assistant mngr on duty? Has a kid, lets his guard down a little and relaxes while talking with me.

"hey u, whats yer name?"

"ChANTELL"

Food. Water. HighAF. I had vaped in the washroom thru my bong at the coffee shop lmao

I ate my burger with a fork and knife. Cutting it in half, then in quarters.

Finished eating. Forced myself to write some bad poems. we can get Twisted to a Sweet T for Ms. Skull on the Thigh, easily catches my eye! *blaaarghh!* MAKE IT STOP...something something shining bright like the Blue Moon...neon sign on the wall, thank you. I actually like that one.

As I'm leaving...Blondie at the cart by the entrance...for why, though....

"hey blondie, whats your name?"

B: DeAhKnee with an I *handshake*

lots of freckles...how old are you...your hair is so ded...

"What's that FlowerTat on your arm?"

B: Wild Flowers..in an X; I trace them with my index and pinky finger...poetry...

"What kind of music you into?"

B: Indie...Country...gross.

"I like the colour of your earrings!" baby blue studs

I began putting her hair behind her ears so I could see her earrings better...

Her eye contact was engaging and puppy-like. She made herself small: feet+legs together, chin tucked, shoulders folded in-ward a little...

She was 33 when I asked for her age.

I leave; Came back the next day, different BT - been working there forever, "family thing" - wrote him a poem about his mum and brother; Different ASSistant MNGR ON DOOTY: hostile to me right off the bat, flat out ignored me! Then, in came the little Manager Lady with the bad Acne - a little too much Nose Therapy or are you recovering from a cold in this summer weather?

She lets me talk her ears off for a few minutes. I give her a short story about myself and what I'm about. Mr. A-How-bout-I-CaLl-Da-pOlIcE - "SURE. YOU CAN EVEN USE MY PHONE." No, we are not going to have a problem here. "HERE. I unlocked it for you and dialed in the number." He refuses. I pack up. Finish my glass of water and leave.

I go to the university...2wo constables come...now, it's history.

I drive a taxi part-time til I die, meaning 12+hrs a shift, easily, so I meet a quite a few people through out the days and nights. Now,

I don't prey on drunk girls. I learned my lesson the hard way by letting a girl come over when she's had a few too many in her, like a stubborn mule. It's my preferred method though. Really hammers it home.

Anyhooe, I'm finally on my first weekend night shift, so I'm expecting lots of drunk folks, and seeing how the customer base has been a particular group of people, I'd be surprised if I ended up going home alone at the end of my night. Unfortunately, I also have to go back to driving at 11am! So, the bars are all closed and it's after 2am and I'm ready to go home. I decide to swing by one of the clubs in town for one last customer, and this lady flags me down, hops in and pre-pays so she could go and find her friends. She finds out their at the neighbouring hotel, I drive there, they get in and we're off.

Getting close to their destination, the original passenger asks me where I'm from, I tell her where in my native tongue. BOOm! pure excitement from the back. "Shitty Town!???!" she translates. "Too bad she's blonde" I thought to myself. We arrive, then the Blonde says she wants to go buy some booze and that her friends are going to meet her there to split the cab. Got the booze, the friends and then we're at their destination. I get her number and I tell her I'll text her, maybe.

4am rolls around, back and fourth texting, I brought up something about seeing the titanic and crying myself to sleep, she calls me a pussy, I tell her to come wipe my tears away. I pick her up, bring her back and then she asks "you meet a lot of ppl?"..."what a dumb fuckin question" I said to myself. "of course." and then she takes 2 loads: on the mask 1st, down the pipe for the 2nd. +1.

I also go to University full time, working Saturday mornings on campus.

Meet Ms. White Chocolate Hater: Irish-Polish-Ukrainian brunette with a tremble in her voice. She's a talker. Very extroverted, cusses, talks like a guy. I fucked up by not treating her as such. Foul mouthed and feminine. Busty. Every time I speak to her, I can't help but picture an anxious, little girl (no pedo).

I was sitting in a little area with couches after my morning class and was facing the West wall, so I could make eye contact with passer-by's, and boom, she walks into my peripheral, hard eye contact from the get-go. I love eye fucking her, so I wait for her to sit to stop listening to my music. I can feel my heart rate pick up- "I have to go move my car or I'm going to get a ticket!" I like listening to her speak, but she says a whole lot of fuck all. She tells me she's working a booth for sex-ed, when along -negative smv friend comes and says "we need t o eat together sumtime!", like the whale doesn't eat enough already! She mentions hockey, She's a fan of the local team. She feels bad cause my team sucks this yr. Shocking. She said "fuck" before me. She tells me how much free time she has, even going as far as til after classes end. I ask her how long she's doing the sex thing, blah blah, blah, remind her to go move her car, I get her number and realize I hate texting and I'm learning quickly! Logistics! She's an ear-rapist. Fuck.

onto the next...

I've always wanted to meet someone who was as at least enthusiastic about music as I am, if not as passionate. The other day, thanks to my being a cabbie, got to meet an Asian, School of Music grad. Great! She's going to the other side of town for a concert at a school.

ME: you a composer or conductor or...what

FINGERLING: I'm a pianist

"wanna start a band?!" I say half jokingly. "yes!!" she replies, high-five from me!

Time for a bit of history: Been playing piano forever "cause her mom was one of 'those' parents", playing cello for half her life. I hate texting, but I'm going to get her number and call her instead. Lovely, it's a landline. Pays for the cab with a $20 + $1. tip: "keep the change, its okay!" "Have a nice day!" I say before she runs away.

Ms. Night: Got her feeling comfortable with me from the start. Facialised 1st, "I usually swallow!", and then swallowed 2nd. She asked me the classic: "how many gals" (I'm a virgin!) "not with the way you were moving...srsly!" (69!) "wow"; She tells me I'm #15. Had a landing strip and a nice looking cooter. Very athletic, christian family, nerd, smokes weed, fun to chill with, and has a mean dick sucking face.

Ms. Racist Against Chocolate..lesson learned: fuck texting. Didn't pedastalize, so maybe there's a chance. But I'm not waiting around to find out.

Ms. Fingerling...call ya, maybe. Going to use the "should get coffee with me so we can talk band names". aaaaaaand.....WhY sO sErIoUs?