@assassin here's the thing. I wouldn't have a problem with posting it if it couldn't come back to me. But with the way that reverse image searches and all that work I won't do it. Of course, I do have printed photos of her that don't have online presence but she has tattoos that, if someone who saw them who knew her, could tell it was her. Part of the draw of being on here is the anonymous nature of the platform, I can be myself without the social implications. I can share my thoughts openly and allow my thoughts to take the heat rather than the avatar that I am in real life. Another note: I did say that most guys would consider her a 9 or 10 (most of these guys are betas who have lower standards for what they find attractive in women anyway i.e. will take what they can get). I have very high standards, I would say she's probably an 8 max. Especially, after seeing her naked for the duration of the relationship, the little things stand out, to me.

Part 2 Because of the shrewd calculations I have made I have suppressed who I am for so long I couldn't tell you what makes me who I am, aside from that I am trying to improve myself in every way systematically (robot syndrome) and that was my personality throughout the relationship. Ya it worked. Ya I was hard. Ya I understood some of the basic concepts of red pill thought and applied them judiciously, effectively. But if you were to ask me what I enjoyed i.e. what gave me joy to do I couldn't tell you, I could tell you what made me feel good but not what made me joyful. Really. And this left me with the inability to connect on a deep level with this girlfriend or anyone else. But I'll be honest even if I did know, I recognized that her capacity to understand was greatly limited due to her lack of intelligence and emotional depth (read "The Manipulated Man" and contemplate the depth of women) and I was okay with that because here I was ticking along with someone to subsidize my working efforts and give me whatever I wanted. But inside I was dying to know what really made me happy.

Okay, back to laying on the couch. See I know logically, as stated before that the breakup isn't the end of the world, not anywhere close, it's the beginning of a new chapter, in all rational thought the breakup benefits me more than it hurts me well for several reasons, I won't go into them because I've talked about them with other people in my life so much already that I am tired of rehashing them but THEY ARE THERE AND I'M WELL AWARE OF THEM. But sitting on the couch asking myself, "What do I enjoy?" That was what really got me thinking, and feeling sorry for myself because I have denied myself to actually indulge in the honest joys that i truly have for so long I couldn't tell you what they are. So I ask myself when did I feel fulfilled before? When was I able to enjoy myself for who I was before? It was long ago in middle school before I became interested in girls. Before I learned that you could take drugs to cheat the brain and receive the feelies from something that was ultimately horrible for you and not do the actual work. Before all that's when I felt most joyful about doing the work but about who I was. But why?

Ultimately, I think it comes down to this. In that time period, I wasn't worried about impressing other people, I wasn't worried about guarding my reputation for the sake of future benefit, I wasn't worried about looking foolish for the thoughts or emotions that I expressed and I truly deeply enjoyed being myself. Allowing myself to play with ideas and thoughts and expression of my emotions. I felt one with myself, especially when people disagreed with me because I was congruent with my beliefs, inwardly and outwardly. But the thing is I recognize that this kind of haphazard processing of emotions and thoughts is detrimental to my future well-being, for several reasons, I won't go into them either (read the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene if you disagree).

So, where I am now is that I have to learn to be okay and not just okay but happy and in love with myself all over again to really enjoy the life that I have. I do believe at some point I will have to bring my full self to any situation in person, but in the process of finding that person and hashing out my thoughts and ideas I know that there will be some bumbling and missteps and I want to mitigate them as well as possible so as to cut into my future prospects with career, finances and social status.

So here I am, an anonymous poster. A poster who is hurting because I have lost who I am. A poster who is looking to learn about himself again and minimize the drawbacks of doing it publicly until I can bring who I am to light, with minimal repercussions (hopefully with all of the benefits.) I am currently in monk mode. No sex. No porn. Side bar everyday. Working out. Talking with close men. Trying to figure this out, because I have to learn how to enjoy and love my life otherwise it is not worth living....despite any financial and social success. I look forward to learning from you, growing with you, sharing with you my thoughts, ridiculous or not, and being who I am for the first time in a long time. Hello World.

Part 1 My name is NNK. I'm really here for discourse. And I don't imagine that most of the people who comment will have anything worthwhile to say...but that's ok.

Most people in the world don't have anything worthwhile to say....yet there they are. Existing sharing their two cents about every little thing that happens, and if they're articulate enough, if they look a certain way, if they check a certain number of societal boxes that say they're 'qualified' then people will listen, they ideas get credence and another social commentator is born, even if they have little qualification to speak. The thing is most people aren't qualified to speak. What do I mean by that. Most people don't have experience about what they are speaking. They may have knowledge, they may have studied the topic inside and out they may have the ability to articulate their thoughts but when it comes down to it, they don't KNOW what the fuck their talking about but because they don't have to. They 'check all the boxes' people listen and people take their word as truth. Oh, yea confidence is one of those boxes. The confidence is king. Reading enough red pill material, one has to be convinced of the necessary pre-requisite that confidence is in everyday interactions. But confidence does not a qualified speaker make. Well, that point could be argued.

Pretty much everything I say can be argued and that's why I am here. To debate to learn, to grow. But most importantly to express my thoughts and emotions. Why? Because for the past 5 years I have suppressed most of my real thoughts, not to myself but to others. I have acknowledged my emotions but have very seldom acted according to them. Why? Well, that is simple, to share thoughts with others in open discourse exposes your position to others and to play the game well, to advance towards predetermined goals, you aid that advancement by not sharing your position. That is strategy. You use what you know, don't let others know what you know and maneuver in the way that best aligns with your objective, in the long run. The emotions piece...well I have ignored those for such a long time because emotions aren't facts....feelings aren't facts. That's the thing. I believe that the feelings that we have are a helpful tool, or at least they were for most of man kinds existence up until the recent shift in modern day human to human operations.

Emotions are so easily manipulated now by advertisers and businesses, companies that want to make money from the manipulation of your emotions. And while this is a nebulous statement, a general statement that few would argue with, my personal feelings have taken me on one hell of a ride when I had let them be the motivators for my actions rather than allowing my guides to be reason and logic. See, my feelings always caused me to act in the short term in ways that were emotionally gratifying. They caused me to do things that in the short term felt good, but in the long term looking back over them, I never had anything to show for it. However, when I confronted this after living a life based off of feeling (that ran me into the ground due to drug addiction) I finally had to realize that feelings weren't facts and living to appease them was a fruitless endeavor.

This has been a gradual process. I have worked tirelessly towards predetermined goals.Working long hours doing things that I don't like because logically that is the 'best' course of action. But the thing is that ignoring my emotions for the past several years has landed me in the predicament I am in now. What could that be NNK? Well this is it. Because I have ignored the things that make me 'feel' good, in favor of the things that are 'good' for my future, because I have allowed logic to predominate thought, I have lost touch with who I am. How do I find myself in this predicament (let's call it robot syndrome), where every thought every action, every little thing is calculated to produce the most effective, efficient return towards the end goal? I will tell you.

Well I will tell you how I recognized it. Yesterday, laying on the couch after intervals of reading "The Manipulated Man" and doing things to enroll for classes for the next semester, after going to the gym (1.5 hours), after praying and meditating, I found myself sitting in a state of mind of mental/emotional exhaustion. All of these things are good. Yes? Most would agree...I think. They have all served their purpose over the course of the last 5 years. Yet they do not make me feel good, they are a not a reprieve from the monotonous existence of my life. They are the monotonous existence of my life. I do them day in and out because they are good for me because the fruits that they bring but the fruit is not satisfying. Is this a symptom of my being an addict? Quite possibly. Nevertheless, I have previously existed in a state of contentment, doing the things that were good for me AND ALSO ENJOYING THE PROCESS, but that was years past and here I sit far removed from that, laying on the couch after a breakup, asking myself "What do I enjoy?".

See the thing is that the breakup isn't the end of the world for me. I know this because well, I have been through several breakups before. My mind and emotions always bounce back and because of my shrewd financial and social calculations I am never the worse off for it. But, even knowing all of this, having experience walking through these in the past and coming out on the other side better off than before this one hurts, it hurts because of several things. It hurts because I lost the only 'comfort' in my life at this point in time. Mind you I said 'comfort' not 'joy' because quite frankly it wasn't a joy, it was pleasant but it wasn't a joy.

She cooked and cleaned and did things for me, she bought me things an let me have sex however and whenever I wanted. But I MANAGED the relationship. I never participated (was fully myself). See she was beautiful, most guys would say a 10 or at least a 9, and that coupled with the work that she put in to get me to 'love' her was pleasant. It was pleasant having someone wrapped around my finger. It was. I cannot lie. It was validating, that someone would recognize me as such a high priority as I also see myself (I guess I'm somewhat of a narcissist) and do everything I wanted. But the thing was I didn't enjoy that relationship because I couldn't be myself within it. Why is that? Because I was afraid? Well maybe partially. I did enjoy the benefits and didn't want to jeopardize losing them by being myself but even if I were to start being myself I wouldn't know where to start.