@Namenooneknows I remember feeling exactly like this after each breakup, and lamenting the cycle. Abundance cured the underlying problems and the symptoms for me. Reducing the cycle time of (breakup > feel bad > eventually get back in the game with someone new) to negative territory not only eliminated those unwanted dry and melancholy spells, it dynamically changed my ongoing and future relationships as well. Once you actually LIVE in a state of abundance, all the blue pill misinformation and programming surrounding relationships becomes much easier to sort out.
I need to vent:
I have been looking over the stages of grief to try to gauge where I'm at with the breakup. First it was denial. I passed out of that pretty quickly, actually. Then into anger and bargaining. Shortly, after the breakup a week and then two weeks she reached out and said that she missed me, made a mistake and hoped I was ok. The anger and bargaining in my mind have oscillated back and forth. I am angry that her nature caused her to act the way that she did (although I understand it) and I think that if I continue to work on myself she will eventually see the error of her decisions and want to come back. Although, if that did happen I wouldn't be honest with myself if I took her back knowing how she had her escape plan mapped out and her new man vetted before she jumped ship. It makes me sick.
It makes me sick that I feel this way. Logically, I have nothing to worry about. I will land a new girl. I will be forced to grow from this. My game will improve and everything will be ok. But emotionally, it doesn't feel good. I think I'm beginning to slide into depression. Which is good - it means that I'm progressing through the stages of grief and hopefully will be on the other side moving into acceptance before too long but still. I haven't stopped working out - 4 days per week. I have spent probably 50 hours reading the side bar and taking notes. I have somewhat decent connection with other people in my life and I'm about to go back to work. My bills are paid and life isn't unmanageable at all but goddmanit,
I don't want to do anything. I'm hurting still. I can't fucking stand this. These stupid fucking genes and emotions.Read More
@assassin here's the thing. I wouldn't have a problem with posting it if it couldn't come back to me. But with the way that reverse image searches and all that work I won't do it. Of course, I do have printed photos of her that don't have online presence but she has tattoos that, if someone who saw them who knew her, could tell it was her. Part of the draw of being on here is the anonymous nature of the platform, I can be myself without the social implications. I can share my thoughts openly and allow my thoughts to take the heat rather than the avatar that I am in real life. Another note: I did say that most guys would consider her a 9 or 10 (most of these guys are betas who have lower standards for what they find attractive in women anyway i.e. will take what they can get). I have very high standards, I would say she's probably an 8 max. Especially, after seeing her naked for the duration of the relationship, the little things stand out, to me.Read More
Part 2 Because of the shrewd calculations I have made I have suppressed who I am for so long I couldn't tell you what makes me who I am, aside from that I am trying to improve myself in every way systematically (robot syndrome) and that was my personality throughout the relationship. Ya it worked. Ya I was hard. Ya I understood some of the basic concepts of red pill thought and applied them judiciously, effectively. But if you were to ask me what I enjoyed i.e. what gave me joy to do I couldn't tell you, I could tell you what made me feel good but not what made me joyful. Really. And this left me with the inability to connect on a deep level with this girlfriend or anyone else. But I'll be honest even if I did know, I recognized that her capacity to understand was greatly limited due to her lack of intelligence and emotional depth (read "The Manipulated Man" and contemplate the depth of women) and I was okay with that because here I was ticking along with someone to subsidize my working efforts and give me whatever I wanted. But inside I was dying to know what really made me happy.
Okay, back to laying on the couch. See I know logically, as stated before that the breakup isn't the end of the world, not anywhere close, it's the beginning of a new chapter, in all rational thought the breakup benefits me more than it hurts me well for several reasons, I won't go into them because I've talked about them with other people in my life so much already that I am tired of rehashing them but THEY ARE THERE AND I'M WELL AWARE OF THEM. But sitting on the couch asking myself, "What do I enjoy?" That was what really got me thinking, and feeling sorry for myself because I have denied myself to actually indulge in the honest joys that i truly have for so long I couldn't tell you what they are. So I ask myself when did I feel fulfilled before? When was I able to enjoy myself for who I was before? It was long ago in middle school before I became interested in girls. Before I learned that you could take drugs to cheat the brain and receive the feelies from something that was ultimately horrible for you and not do the actual work. Before all that's when I felt most joyful about doing the work but about who I was. But why?
Ultimately, I think it comes down to this. In that time period, I wasn't worried about impressing other people, I wasn't worried about guarding my reputation for the sake of future benefit, I wasn't worried about looking foolish for the thoughts or emotions that I expressed and I truly deeply enjoyed being myself. Allowing myself to play with ideas and thoughts and expression of my emotions. I felt one with myself, especially when people disagreed with me because I was congruent with my beliefs, inwardly and outwardly. But the thing is I recognize that this kind of haphazard processing of emotions and thoughts is detrimental to my future well-being, for several reasons, I won't go into them either (read the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene if you disagree).
So, where I am now is that I have to learn to be okay and not just okay but happy and in love with myself all over again to really enjoy the life that I have. I do believe at some point I will have to bring my full self to any situation in person, but in the process of finding that person and hashing out my thoughts and ideas I know that there will be some bumbling and missteps and I want to mitigate them as well as possible so as to cut into my future prospects with career, finances and social status.
So here I am, an anonymous poster. A poster who is hurting because I have lost who I am. A poster who is looking to learn about himself again and minimize the drawbacks of doing it publicly until I can bring who I am to light, with minimal repercussions (hopefully with all of the benefits.) I am currently in monk mode. No sex. No porn. Side bar everyday. Working out. Talking with close men. Trying to figure this out, because I have to learn how to enjoy and love my life otherwise it is not worth living....despite any financial and social success. I look forward to learning from you, growing with you, sharing with you my thoughts, ridiculous or not, and being who I am for the first time in a long time. Hello World.Read More