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deeplydisturbed's Blog
Basic Relationship Needs
Published 02/16/22 by deeplydisturbed [0 Comments]

When I was young and naïve, I had a wish list of sorts for a future wife. It seems fairly common my teenage friends, male and female, would sometimes offer up an item or two from their own lists.

Of course, the teenage and early 20's version of me wanted things like, hot, nice hair, good in bed, easy to hang with, etc. But as I got older, the list became more serious, perhaps more mature, depending on how you view it. So it developed into the things I would hope for my woman to be, and do.

The list was something like this:

  • Cook and Meal Prep
  • Clean
  • Laundry
  • Food shopping
  • Organize house
  • Change bedsheets once a week
  • Decorate our home
  • Stock supplies
  • Care for the children overall
  • Care for her own health and fitness
  • Maintain her own mental and emotional wellness
  • Change Diapers
  • Breast feed babies
  • Teach our children
  • Homework help
  • Chauffer kids as needed
  • Handle events
  • Handle school moms
  • Handle teachers
  • Manage household expenditures
  • Kids Clothes and supplies
  • Accompany me at social events
  • Plan and host parties/celebrations
  • Companionship
  • Sounding board
  • Moral support
  • Warn me about potential threats
  • Keep me informed
  • Help with planning
  • Logistics on holidays/vacations
  • Exercise good judgement
  • Be faithful - Integrity in general
  • Fulfill wedding vows
  • Act in good faith
  • Sexual Intimacy
  • Family health and well being
  • Basic honesty
  • Help curate and maintain our shared values

Yes, I know. This list is long. But trust me, it is far from comprehensive according to 19 year old me. For example, I do not expect my woman to do ironing, sewing or making clothing, arts and crafts, repairs of any kind, run social groups, or work outside the home, to name just a few of the myriad other "nice to have" competencies.

And while the list is long, most of the items on it are relatively basic features of a good parent or partner.

Where did I get this list, you may ask. I got it from watching the best women around me my whole life. Sure, I got a bit from TV and movies, but the absolute best women around me did these things and more. One never knows all the intimate details of the lives of those around us, but most of these things were on full display most of the time as a child growing up. To this day, most of the good women I know demonstrate most of these traits and behaviors. My ex-wife, in fact, nailed most of them on a daily basis for the better part of two decades - until she underwent her feminist "transformation."

Keep in mind that the phrase "....without complaining" is implied in all this.

Now, one would be reasonable in asking, Yeah, but what about YOUR contributions! And that would indeed be a fair question. And to that I would say, most of the same things PLUS everything else - repairs, outdoor maintenance, heavy lifting, long term vision and goals, family finances, home and personal security, and a long list of other male-oriented responsibilities. Whether these things are fair or balanced can only be answered by those who must balance them.

So after my divorce, I had to decide (hopefully once and for all) what I really need in a partner. I did not want to fall victim to my own male predilection for allowing a woman's attractiveness get the better of me. I also wanted to avoid going for short-term things (like charm, personality, overall attitude) to cloud my long term judgement. Most people can be charming when they want something. And most women can fake being "happy" during the initial stages of courting.

So I then focused almost exclusively on character traits (assuming the initial attraction was there). I also focused like a laser on her behaviors - words have come to mean very little to me over time. How a woman acts, holds herself, and behaves, and the routines she follows are far more telling than anything she can say. So I watched this like a hawk - mainly for consistency and congruence with what she claimed.

Another general approach was to try to determine her competencies - the knowledge, skills, and attitudes required to be a romantic partner. It is not as important that she know what to do about any given circumstance, but rather that she also have the skills and abilities to actually do them. How many of us have a friend who talks all day about a sport or some other interest - only to find out the person is really bad at actually DOING it.

And as I went down this list, I found that the few women I dated were basically incompetent. I do not intend this to come across as an insult; this is just a straight up evaluation, like one would do with a job candidate. because post-divorce, that's exactly how I viewed the dating process - like vetting for competence and agreeableness. After all, who wants to work with or for someone who is incompetent AND disagreeable? This is just common sense, and any pushback usually comes from women, who feel that relationships should not be viewed as a transaction. Besides, what gives a man the right to expect a woman to do ANYTHING for him. It is HE who should be vetted. And to that second point, I would say, I agree. Men should indeed be vetted in the same way.

We just may have found some common ground ladies!

Fast forward a few years after this list was developed, and, well, let's just say it wasn't going well. And I believe there are two main reasons for this.

1. My expectations were not that a woman be or do all of the things on my list, but it was hard not to notice when she was not or could not do a particular thing. That is unfair to any woman, but especially myself.

2. Women in the US are simply not raised to be good partners. They either learn OJT, or they don't develop in this way at all.

Either way, the list was not happening. All I could reasonably expect was to get "a bunch" of them. But what the hell does that even mean? Did I have a subset or priority items? Well, as it turns out I DID have a priority list. So I whittled it down. I will not keep repeating the list, but let's just say that it took about3-4 iterations of the list before I decided to come at it another way.

What is/are the bare minimum I should expect from a wife/life partner?
And once I looked at it from that angle, the list nearly disappeared.
It was not long thereafter that I realized that post-divorce, I either did that the things on that list, or outsourced it in some way. As it turned out, the outsourcing approach worked MUCH better than any other approach I have tried in the past, with the added benefit of removing the political aspects and resultant power struggles from the mix.
So, whether you have been through this before or not, a reasonable question would be, then what do you need a woman for?
As it turns out, not much at all.
This led to my ultimate conclusion: The only thing I cannot do for myself, or outsource, is intimacy.

I can cook, clean, sew, do laundry, and every single item on my wish list. Would it be nice to have someone to help? Yes. But it is no longer necessary. In fact, I have come to the point that I don't want a woman to touch or do anything in my house. I feel this way because too many times I have been confronted by household politics. These two words should be antithetical to each other; but feminism begs to differ.

And because I refuse to have household chores held against me, as a sort of bean counting ledger balance, this leaves one, and only one thing on the list.

And as I explain in my piece On Intimacy, this does not mean simply sex. Because I can outsource that too. So in order for me to maintain a romantic relationship with a woman, I require Intimacy = Trust + Respect + Sexual chemistry. Without this sort of intimacy, the relationship is merely a friendship - or something else.

So, as you make your way through the dating wastelands, you should consider my words and be on the lookout for Intimacy. You are not likely ever going to reliably get ANYTHING on this list, but in the short run and the long run, Intimacy is all that really matters.

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