The more and more I go into this lifestyle, the more and more I learn about myself and the fundamental habits and practices I have constructed that keep the Ol' Bloopie mindset alive.

Case in point, my sister gets back from work (she works as a teaching assistant at a school) and its been her first week working there. I'm eager to ask her how her day was and what happened and she just stonewalls me and doesn't respond. The more I ask her, the more frame I loose and the more she can just ignore me and it makes me look pathetic. My frame is weak, if someone doesn't respond to my question, I should just leave it at that, The more I ask the more I loose my frame and the more I enter her frame, which is never where I want to be.

I'm still making basic bitch mistakes as well, ingrained from years of being a blue pilled bitch. Stupid things like hanging off a girl's reply to a text, of which I would grab my phone every 5 min to see if they're replied, or even worse, send another text re-affirming my point or asking another inane question. It reeks of a low SMV- no high SMV man does that kind of shit, they message and move on- as their lives are more fulfilling than some random woman they've just messaged off hinge.

This in turn is a vicious cycle, as I then feel bad at having not received a message, and the old beta idea of sending another message proclaiming 'me me me!' in a desperate attempt to claim attention rears its ugly head. I get such an urge to have to re-affirm myself and not loose their attention (at least in my fucked up thinking) that its like and addiction, I feel somewhat awful when I put down the phone, but the feeling always passes. Then I go to another meta-level and feel back for checking if they have replied to me, and to assuage that 'sinking' feeling I get I want to send something else. Even as I write this I feel a tension and panic in my chest.

I could trace this back to the past, from a psychological view-point I can see how that my pregnant mother leaving me with my grandparents when I was 3 might have fostered my attachment anxiety, but I can't blame my mother, father or anyone for that. I must learn to accept the cards of fate, smile and play the goddamn game with what I have. And I can learn to break this attachment anxiety, through abundance mentality. While I'm in England and in the lockdown currently, hopefully when we're allowed out of our houses again and I can commute to university- this should give me a chance to work on my game with people.

Too much reading and not enough doing are my core issues at the moment.

In conclusion, I can see all these factors link towards my 'people-pleasing' mindset, believing that I must be supplicant and willing to another person to receive the "reward" of having them approve me and verify me. I need to be my own source of validation, no one else. Until I can do that then I will have to keep working on myself by journaling these realisations and internalizing what I should do, they are surface waves of deeper currents.

After listening to the wonderful podcast episode by The Red Pill about ego death, I realised that I need to start journaling to realise where I'm going wrong in terms of productivity, focus and my goals in life. I can see from my past that I became incredibly sensitive as a child and that impacts me to this day in interacting with other men. Over a teams call people making fun of my shitty mic quality (and it is bad tbh) that I just internally got so anxious and shelled off, old defensive habits coming back into play, rather than learning how to take banter. As i know its a good thing for guys to shit on you, you don't do that with guy's you don't like. Much like shit-tests there are methods I could have used- Agree & Amplify, pressure flip.

I just froze because I let my ego get to me and took actual offense at a silly joke. Its silly and I know that mentally but that doesn't reduce the tension in my chest. My own ego is getting in my own way and I'm tripping myself up on my own pride. Yeah I might have gotten into a good workout routine, meditating regularly and listening/ consuming more redpill podcasts/ articles on the regular, but I have a whole lot of work to do in overriding my blue-pilled upbringing and ideals of being a sensitive/ intelligent good boy at school.

For context I'm a Indian man who was born and raised in the UK. Call it migrant mentality where parent's want their children to be successful (rightfully so) but go about it in a way where they urge their sons to not rock the boat and be a good boy at school- Not like those Naughty boys who were always cracking jokes, talking shit and obviously getting girls later in life. Well there were a fair few dipshits in my school who were just dumb but knew how to be social, I super over interested/ made it an arrogant part of my personality in being 'smart' and 'intelligent' (despite not being a genius, I'd say I was in the upper tier) while not working on social skills or doing a sport.

There's a lot to unpack from my past, it all makes clear sense that I'm so poor with the opposite sex now looking back at it. Though there were things I did that were really valuable (Karate and Air Cadets for example) I just didn't take the lessons to heart like I am now. Fuck even looking at later in life where I became an addict to huffing gas, it was all to escape loneliness because I just didn't know how to talk to people. I've been clean properly for a month, though before then I was clean for 6 months.

What maybe I'm trying to say is that I should make this a daily habit, any other ethnic minorities (or Global Majorities) reach out and let me know if you also can see this from your past. One key thing I have to put here is that in no way will I blame others for my mistakes, these are the hand of cards that life dealt me (I think of Jocko Willink's speech on Good here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdTMDpizis8&ab_channel=JockoPodcast ) and I have to learn to work through it. This is called life and this is how you learn, if you stop learning then you stop growing.

In term of my positive actions for today in the classic journal sense: I got up and immediately threw on my gym clothes. There's a great article on Raptitude about certain Power Moves we can take to overcome the persuasive quality of our minds to seek ease, throw yourself at the task at hand and your protests will quiet down. (https://www.raptitude.com/2020/09/make-the-power-move/)

I'll make a more comprehensive journal tomorrow, I just needed to get this off my chest for now.