The more and more I go into this lifestyle, the more and more I learn about myself and the fundamental habits and practices I have constructed that keep the Ol' Bloopie mindset alive.

Case in point, my sister gets back from work (she works as a teaching assistant at a school) and its been her first week working there. I'm eager to ask her how her day was and what happened and she just stonewalls me and doesn't respond. The more I ask her, the more frame I loose and the more she can just ignore me and it makes me look pathetic. My frame is weak, if someone doesn't respond to my question, I should just leave it at that, The more I ask the more I loose my frame and the more I enter her frame, which is never where I want to be.

I'm still making basic bitch mistakes as well, ingrained from years of being a blue pilled bitch. Stupid things like hanging off a girl's reply to a text, of which I would grab my phone every 5 min to see if they're replied, or even worse, send another text re-affirming my point or asking another inane question. It reeks of a low SMV- no high SMV man does that kind of shit, they message and move on- as their lives are more fulfilling than some random woman they've just messaged off hinge.

This in turn is a vicious cycle, as I then feel bad at having not received a message, and the old beta idea of sending another message proclaiming 'me me me!' in a desperate attempt to claim attention rears its ugly head. I get such an urge to have to re-affirm myself and not loose their attention (at least in my fucked up thinking) that its like and addiction, I feel somewhat awful when I put down the phone, but the feeling always passes. Then I go to another meta-level and feel back for checking if they have replied to me, and to assuage that 'sinking' feeling I get I want to send something else. Even as I write this I feel a tension and panic in my chest.

I could trace this back to the past, from a psychological view-point I can see how that my pregnant mother leaving me with my grandparents when I was 3 might have fostered my attachment anxiety, but I can't blame my mother, father or anyone for that. I must learn to accept the cards of fate, smile and play the goddamn game with what I have. And I can learn to break this attachment anxiety, through abundance mentality. While I'm in England and in the lockdown currently, hopefully when we're allowed out of our houses again and I can commute to university- this should give me a chance to work on my game with people.

Too much reading and not enough doing are my core issues at the moment.

In conclusion, I can see all these factors link towards my 'people-pleasing' mindset, believing that I must be supplicant and willing to another person to receive the "reward" of having them approve me and verify me. I need to be my own source of validation, no one else. Until I can do that then I will have to keep working on myself by journaling these realisations and internalizing what I should do, they are surface waves of deeper currents.

Tip Sharmanix for their post.