We're always different and more like our child self around family
Nah, my usual high energy, and intrepid banter usually can't come out unconfronted. They can't deal with it—and I've long since forgotten the art of conformist conversation; I give the show away too soon with inconsistent opinions or haphazardly coming out with what most consider to be "harsh" truths. So as it stands I either keep meditating through the bullshit whilst barking at them to live a healthy active, literate lifestyle. OR Enjoy a spectrum of obnoxious banter for a hot minute before I get my ass beaten with various kitchen utensils.
Sometimes I think If I was raking in the ca$h and paid for a ton of their shit it'd get em to chill out but that sounds like gay shadow contract to be myself.
is there ever a circumstance where a reserved personality in the presence of your family will create some kind of meaningful loss that would not have happened with an unrestrained personality?
Sir, this is an indubitable YES from myself. Let me explain: I began fully inhabiting a radical new reality in fall 2018. It had originally onset around summer that same year, then I worked on getting my bearings within it till the stress testing achieved it's apogee; irredeemably confirming to me the ontological ingredients it required to house its radical phenomenology and Truly thrive in today's world. I am actually very poised, self-possessed, deliberate normally—The seemingly spontaneous fits of auto erotism you often see here are usually stimulated by irregular tics of intuitively grasping, then swiftly excusing the truth of my ultimate freedom of choice at any point. I guess my lenience in exercising self-control over the syndrome is a cunning replacement for the same forgone freedom. By allowing myself to "Sperg", I get to claim this as freedom of spontaneity.
When I accept the responsibility of this choice, the stream of Life flows through me once again and everything from my appearance, to my breathing changes; my muscles relax & I can smell the polluted city. All becomes clear, obviously straightforward & self-evident. Living is ecstatic & easy. Complex endeavours are cloaked in eager anticipation of stimulating challenge, meaningful growth and eventual success. "Game" as we know it retroactively ceases to exist. I am already fucking myself & the world with constancy. Through the process of continually going out to Game I am still mastering the art of helping others remain conscious during intercourse.
My family however are my ultimate LMR. They have an absolutely ridiculous mindset of scarcity which permeates into every aspect of their lives. Uncleanliness, disorganization, rigid adherence to stagnant routines and a path-etic compensative disposition that subtly betrays spiritual niggardliness. The scarcity mindset served its purpose (I guess) as immigrants getting established within a radically different physical, social, cultural & economical environment. But rousing yourself mentally ins't an act reserved for moving through important transitional phases, It's a requirement for a healthy expression of life; lest you get duped by the bait & switch of convenient laissez-faire ideologies & the deferred life plan.
Since fall 2018 then, I've been struggling against a thin yet surprisingly sly veneer of resistance. The 'Sly' adjective is well founded as I have discovered, to my frustration, that this flinching sensation is intelligent & remains dynamic. If I go in gunz-blazing with a poised & impartial mirror mind, the flinch arises in my fear that they won't be able to handle the naked reflection of their own consciousness—The cause & effect relationships to their troubles would be laid out inextricably; but they have no energy in momentum which could be channelled into change. Terrorism. The second flinch arises then, when I attempt subtle subversion of their fundamental axioms. However, a fearless, uninnocent deliberation is one such ingredient of the Reality I've described, and so I am made sensitive of the regressive hoax of this prevarication. There are a host of other auxiliary manifestations of the 2 main flinches described, however, being offshoots of failing solutions, become irrelevant to solving the entire problem.
What is the entire problem in this case? It is that, though on a micro scale of the day to day I get to enjoy a decent simulation of the reality while apart from my family, this very curfew is bottlenecking my Final sublimation into the Reality which has actually been slipping away from me for a since the beginning of 2019—That is the meaningful loss.
As I've mentioned, the parameters of this reality have already been irredeemably confirmed. That means that though it cannot be corrupted, it can neither be partially adopted. It requires my unassailable claim to it in its entirety. My glitching in & out of it through very strenuous means of emulating the OS myself rather than stepping up to the True; which I'd also painstakingly cultivated, produces a plethora of psychological symptoms from feigning fatigue to extinguish normie interactions (though once I actually fell asleep within a few seconds of a colleague talking to me, then denied it as he called me out to the entire room. fuck it, Game circadians ftw) to tourrette-like spasms & twitches.
Essentially, what I'd like to know is which one of these MegaMind OGs; or their works have the Ultimate, Zero Fucks Given Take no Prisoners Philosophy on being yourself up to & including infinity?
I'm thinking Max Stirner, but he has an air of justifying this philosophy. I'd rather someone who, from a point of already being there expounds on the above & beyond of this reality.
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