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Namenooneknows's Blog
Brewing
Published 06/01/20 by Namenooneknows [0 Comments]

I'll talk about where I'm at right now in this moment. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to talk to women. I don't want to talk to friends. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sleep, although sleep sounds nice it would be a good way to shut my mind off. I've already taken my melatonin for the night and that should be kicking in soon. I have been reading a lot. Like non-stop it seems. I don't know what I like and quite frankly, I don't feel like going out and doing anything to find out what I like. I think about the prospect of going out and meeting and interacting with women and it scares me. I am successful at anything I put my mind too but I have developed an aversion to people throughout my life. I tend to be more intellectual than most people I interact with and as a result I feel that I have come off as pompous and arrogant. I have built up a persona around myself that I have lived in with comfort. The girlfriend was one piece of that but that's gone and now I'm forced to look at the reality - my game is weak, my social confidence is weak, my ability to get my sexual needs met is weak. I know that I will have to go out and meet women to make this transition but I do not want to put in the effort. I also don't want to continue to sit around my house, though either. I am climbing the fucking walls. I work out and read and over the past month I have done so much reading and taking notes on the sidebar that it astonishes me the progress I made but in the back of my mind I hear - "the knowledge won't help you if you aren't willing to put it into action." And I am not. At least, right now. After the breakup, I made a goal set - one of the things on the list was to avoid sex and the conversations to set up sex with women for 90 days. Part of me wonders why I chose to do that - my thinking at the time was that I don't have a problem with women. I have a problem being with myself, and until I can get ok with being with myself then I will not be able to enjoy the company of women, or people in general. I think it's a sound thought process however, in practice and in all honesty I have take several half-assed attempts to set up sex. I've gotten some numbers. I have reached out to women in my contacts, I haven't really taken that goal seriously. And even though I want to say - well I haven't compromised the goal (I haven't compromised on that goal because of availability). Who's to say whether I would've compromised on that goal if the sex with beautiful women was readily available. So I don't know. I am constantly thinking about what I need to do, to get through this. I know at some point I'm going to have to get right with myself. I started taking testosterone shortly before the breakup and thought that it would help me get through it the negative mental downswing and it probably has. But there's a side of me that wants to be free from any exogenous substances, including caffeine. My thought behind that is I will be fully in touch with my thoughts and emotions without any outside influence. Although, another thought, in favor of the testosterone is that, I have it and I don't want to throw it away or sell it (if I could) and I have worked for a couple of years to improve my physique. Right now, my diet is the most regimented it has ever been, my training is the most consistent that it's ever been and I think that the quality of my training is pretty damn good. I am physically at the best possible point that I could be to take testosterone. Some thoughts on that though, food costs roughly 80$ per week and I am getting tired of spending that kind of money on food. Also the amount of time that I have spent in the gym over the past couple of years has been ridiculous. 10 hours/week average over 2 years. WTF. That time could've otherwise been spent elsewhere in areas that have better dividends. Don't get me wrong the maintenance of the body is crucial but I could do that, with far less time in the gym, less cost on groceries and be in far better shape than I am now. I look alright but I'm not in great conditioned shape. So there's some cognitive dissonance going on there. The game plan is to run this cycle and evaluate the results. Then pull back from exogenous substances caffeine included and try to get down to who I am without the external influence. I know that I'll need to set up some dating profiles too but I haven't wanted to put in the time or effort to do that. I may buy a camera though and get into photography, it would help give me something to do for me, it would be fun to do that with a girl when we're having sex, and I could start taking pics for my profiles. So...there's plenty of things that I should probably do, it's just I don't want to spend the money or time doing them. It baffles me that I want to sit in the misery because I know that if I sit here long enough I'm going to want to kill myself, literally. I've been there before, and I don't want to go back to that. But I also don't want to do the work to learn more about myself. Something's got to give though. I have thoughts that I have a fragile ego and I have carefully cultivated that ego and the supporting evidence for that ego for a while and now it's all starting to come down around me and it doesn't feel good. I also think that ego is the thing that keeps me from wanting to interact with people, because they challenge a sense of self that I have. Anyway. I was sitting here reading and being restless and figured I would get some of this out. Maybe it will help me process through some of it. Who knows?

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Dear Abigail
Published 05/17/20 by Namenooneknows [0 Comments]

Dear Abigail,

I'm starting to understand what happened. There is no question that you were in love with me. I don't doubt it, you wouldn't deny it. You wanted so badly for me to be in love with you and you did quite a bit to make that happen. See, I understand now that you saw me as the best man that you could have and in reality I am. You wanted me to commit to you because of your imperative. It makes sense. You did everything that you could think to get me to fall in love with you and relinquish my imperative. You bought me things, you cooked and cleaned without asking, you were willing to do anything I asked and stepped up and took initiative in areas I didn't ask...all to earn my love. But Abigail the thing with love is that it can't be negotiated.

When I got you pregnant and and told you in a fit of emotions that, "I do not want to have a kid with YOU!" I meant that. In all honesty, I wouldn't have wanted a kid with anyone but the reason why I didn't want it with you was because underneath all of the effort that you were putting in to win me, underneath all of the attention that you could attract from every other guy, underneath all of the beautiful exterior I could see that you were just a girl. For a long time I held that against you.

I knew that you were fickle and when you were done with me you would discard me. When you thought you couldn't get anything more out of me, you would toss me aside and move onto someone else. Which you did. That's your nature. I could see that the reason you were acting as you were for me, was not because it was your true personality, it was because you couldn't get what you wanted from me, something that every other guy in your life has so willingly given - that was approval. The reason I wouldn't give you approval is because you didn't earn it. But then you did.

By that time though, I was so used to the power dynamic that I did not want to give the approval that you had actually earned. Not because your underlying nature had changed but because you had put in the effort and there was no question in my mind anymore. I was so accustomed to not dishing it out and thinking that was the cause of your effort that I was afraid to acknowledge it when you did earn it and for that I am sorry. I truly am. I didn't show you that the work you did was truly appreciated. You did earn my approval in the long run.

However, your underlying personality didn't change. Like I said before you were the same as every other girl that was used to getting what they wanted and I knew that and like I said I held that against you. I am sorry that I did because it's not your fault that you're that way - and it's not my fault that I am the way I am: it's nature. I didn't know that then but I've been learning. See this breakup has caused me to dig deeper, to look for answers and understanding, because I know that I'll have to walk this path again until I learn.

Ultimately, you gave into the nature that was subdued by your allegiance to earning my approval and you began to act as I expected. Your hypergamous nature came out in full swing. At first, I blamed you for this and justified my lack of appreciation for you by this, but it only makes sense. You were doing what you felt you needed to do. You were looking for someone that could better fit you imperative.

You knew that I didn't want kids with you, I had told you that. You knew that I wanted to continue to whore and get better with other women, so what would you stay for? But I do believe that you love me. And I do love you.

I think about you everyday. I dream about you every night. I am driven to become better so that I don't have to hurt someone like this again because ultimately I lead the relationship and I have to take responsibility for how it turned out, and Abby I am so sorry that it turned out the way that it did. I am so sorry that your felt you best option was to leave. But I see why you thought that was your best option. I didn't have an idea to propose to you that would be a better option for both of us at the time and that's my fault. I didn't lead.

I know where you're at, or at least I think so. You are looking for a man to fill the void that I left. Unfortunately, you may never find him, and that will eat you away inside. You will compare every man to me for the rest of your life, and most likely blame me for who I am; not understanding the underlying principles of why things happened the way that they did. And you will sleep with men because you need to fulfill your breeding instinct but when you get to know them they will fall short and the men that are personable will never satisfy you sexually. I am sorry that I didn't lead the relationship better than I did. I am sorry that you have to go through this alone. But I cannot reach out to you because you left me for someone else and while I understand why you did that, I also understand the reality is that I cannot help you unless you submit to me and return. Even then I don't know what I would do. Because I love you but I love me more.

I am sorry. I love you. I pray for you everyday. I regret not showing you that I did approve of the good behavior and that you were valued. I regret not enjoying the time with you when you deserved it. I want the best for you. This hurts for me but I believe I am in a much better position to process through it than you ever will be and you will try to look to the brainwashed men and women around you for guidance and go ever deeper into the madness. The next time I see you I want to hold you. I don't want to say a word. Because you probably wouldn't understand them if you heard them and if you understood them you probably wouldn't believe them anyway. But if I could hold you maybe you would feel like it was going to be okay for a minute and that would be good.

Maybe, as I write this, I am sending ripples in the universal structure and you will feel it. Maybe you won't but I need to say it. I am sorry. I love you. I miss you. I wish it was different. I am trying to be better, and although it's not much consolation to you I want to do better for the next woman.

With Love,


NNK

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