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Namenooneknows's Blog
Dear Abigail
Published 05/17/20 by Namenooneknows [0 Comments]

Dear Abigail,

I'm starting to understand what happened. There is no question that you were in love with me. I don't doubt it, you wouldn't deny it. You wanted so badly for me to be in love with you and you did quite a bit to make that happen. See, I understand now that you saw me as the best man that you could have and in reality I am. You wanted me to commit to you because of your imperative. It makes sense. You did everything that you could think to get me to fall in love with you and relinquish my imperative. You bought me things, you cooked and cleaned without asking, you were willing to do anything I asked and stepped up and took initiative in areas I didn't ask...all to earn my love. But Abigail the thing with love is that it can't be negotiated.

When I got you pregnant and and told you in a fit of emotions that, "I do not want to have a kid with YOU!" I meant that. In all honesty, I wouldn't have wanted a kid with anyone but the reason why I didn't want it with you was because underneath all of the effort that you were putting in to win me, underneath all of the attention that you could attract from every other guy, underneath all of the beautiful exterior I could see that you were just a girl. For a long time I held that against you.

I knew that you were fickle and when you were done with me you would discard me. When you thought you couldn't get anything more out of me, you would toss me aside and move onto someone else. Which you did. That's your nature. I could see that the reason you were acting as you were for me, was not because it was your true personality, it was because you couldn't get what you wanted from me, something that every other guy in your life has so willingly given - that was approval. The reason I wouldn't give you approval is because you didn't earn it. But then you did.

By that time though, I was so used to the power dynamic that I did not want to give the approval that you had actually earned. Not because your underlying nature had changed but because you had put in the effort and there was no question in my mind anymore. I was so accustomed to not dishing it out and thinking that was the cause of your effort that I was afraid to acknowledge it when you did earn it and for that I am sorry. I truly am. I didn't show you that the work you did was truly appreciated. You did earn my approval in the long run.

However, your underlying personality didn't change. Like I said before you were the same as every other girl that was used to getting what they wanted and I knew that and like I said I held that against you. I am sorry that I did because it's not your fault that you're that way - and it's not my fault that I am the way I am: it's nature. I didn't know that then but I've been learning. See this breakup has caused me to dig deeper, to look for answers and understanding, because I know that I'll have to walk this path again until I learn.

Ultimately, you gave into the nature that was subdued by your allegiance to earning my approval and you began to act as I expected. Your hypergamous nature came out in full swing. At first, I blamed you for this and justified my lack of appreciation for you by this, but it only makes sense. You were doing what you felt you needed to do. You were looking for someone that could better fit you imperative.

You knew that I didn't want kids with you, I had told you that. You knew that I wanted to continue to whore and get better with other women, so what would you stay for? But I do believe that you love me. And I do love you.

I think about you everyday. I dream about you every night. I am driven to become better so that I don't have to hurt someone like this again because ultimately I lead the relationship and I have to take responsibility for how it turned out, and Abby I am so sorry that it turned out the way that it did. I am so sorry that your felt you best option was to leave. But I see why you thought that was your best option. I didn't have an idea to propose to you that would be a better option for both of us at the time and that's my fault. I didn't lead.

I know where you're at, or at least I think so. You are looking for a man to fill the void that I left. Unfortunately, you may never find him, and that will eat you away inside. You will compare every man to me for the rest of your life, and most likely blame me for who I am; not understanding the underlying principles of why things happened the way that they did. And you will sleep with men because you need to fulfill your breeding instinct but when you get to know them they will fall short and the men that are personable will never satisfy you sexually. I am sorry that I didn't lead the relationship better than I did. I am sorry that you have to go through this alone. But I cannot reach out to you because you left me for someone else and while I understand why you did that, I also understand the reality is that I cannot help you unless you submit to me and return. Even then I don't know what I would do. Because I love you but I love me more.

I am sorry. I love you. I pray for you everyday. I regret not showing you that I did approve of the good behavior and that you were valued. I regret not enjoying the time with you when you deserved it. I want the best for you. This hurts for me but I believe I am in a much better position to process through it than you ever will be and you will try to look to the brainwashed men and women around you for guidance and go ever deeper into the madness. The next time I see you I want to hold you. I don't want to say a word. Because you probably wouldn't understand them if you heard them and if you understood them you probably wouldn't believe them anyway. But if I could hold you maybe you would feel like it was going to be okay for a minute and that would be good.

Maybe, as I write this, I am sending ripples in the universal structure and you will feel it. Maybe you won't but I need to say it. I am sorry. I love you. I miss you. I wish it was different. I am trying to be better, and although it's not much consolation to you I want to do better for the next woman.

With Love,


NNK

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I Lost Frame Because I Am Gay? pt. 3
Published 05/11/20 by Namenooneknows [0 Comments]

More context - I currently sponsor another gay dude. Seriously, I'm not looking for these guys... they come to me, and due to the nature of the program if someone needs help then I try my best. I do let them know that we're not fucking...this whole deal is about you getting clean.

More context - I take care of myself very well physically - pretty boy type looks, nothing over the top no makeup or eyebrows but I do spend about 10 hours in the gym each week.

More context - I prefer to sit when I pee, not in public bathrooms or anything but if I'm at home I'd rather sit down. (This one for sure will get me roasted.)

More context - I have gay regulars that come in to see me where I work (they tip well) and I had been open about this with the ex girlfriend- they have invited me out to hangout, although I haven't taken them up on this I have considered it. Just when the virus started they began reaching out and offering financial assistance – tempting as it was, the strings that would be attached to it weren’t worth it’s acceptance.

More context - When the virus started and money began to get tight, my gay sponsee suggested I think about a onlyfans account. I considered it - obviously the clientele would be men - I planned to just workout maybe do some jerkoff vids in private sessions. After, considering that I would be selling sexual material to gay men, I didn’t feel right about it. So I didn’t go through with it. (Ex-girlfriend planned on doing an onlyfans too so we discussed these ideas together)

More context - A buddy of mine came over one night during the virus and I was sharing the onlyfans idea with him (he's not gay) and setting up the profile but was having trouble with finding any good pics (for someone as vain as me I don't take a lot of pics) He has an iphone and said let's do some now. We did, he was actually pretty good at taking the pics... they started shirtless, then turned to nudes. Girlfriend came home when we were just wrapping up (I had a towel on) and was pissed - "we were supposed to do this together" and "Did he see your dick?" I didn't think anything of it. I had been on sports teams my entire life and never thought anything of showering in front of men, so it didn't seem a big deal, plus I was considering the onlyfans thing so I thought, what the hell, if a dude sees my dick, if I do onlyfans that’ll be the name of the game anyway.

I'll be honest, as I write this and reflect on it, there's a pretty good case that I am a closeted homosexual. Holy Shit! I did not see it this way until I compiled the story like I have. It's fucking absurd. No wonder, she decided to leave, this guy who she was deeply in love with, did everything for, who never validated her OR told her she was pretty OR showed appreciation for the person that she tried to be to appease me didn’t do those things not because she wasn’t good enough (because she knows how good she is…duh every guy tells her how she’s perfect) he didn’t do these things because HE’S GAY. Ok. So let’s be real here, with the perspective painted like it is here, it would seem that’s the case. However, I am pretty sure I’m not gay. Nonetheless, her hamster had to rationalize why I treated her so different than every other guy and I literally handed her the perfect fucking alibi, on a pink doily lined silver fucking platter. GODDAMNIT.

I never even stopped to consider that this could be the reason until I started reflecting back on the turn of events. Because everything was GRAVY for so long and boom….then it wasn’t, at least to me. Boom! In hindsight she had her escape plan laid out. She already had another guy lined up. But until now I couldn’t wrap my head around how she got over me when I had her like I did. But this seems to make perfect sense. I know it’s crazy to think that I didn’t even recognize this as a potential frame demolishing situation but here I am.

I would tell myself that I was not going to show her appreciation for the things that she should be doing anyway. I would not acknowledge her beauty because other guys did that incessantly and she didn't need to hear it from me. I was afraid I would get lumped in with the other dudes and become another one of them. I recognize that physically, she is/was very beautiful, although I could pick apart her minor flaws and hell I've done that to every girl that I have ever been with anyway. But I always was looking for ways that she could improve, and she would. When she was under my spell she did everything that I advised her to do - nails the way I thought looked best, hair the way I liked it, no fake tanning anymore - pale natural ghostly skin, bright red lipstick, thin figure from the dieting and workouts I instructed her on. Yet, I never gave her the appreciation that she deserved for the effort she put in because of fear of losing her. And, hell maybe I'm gay.

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