I'll talk about where I'm at right now in this moment. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to talk to women. I don't want to talk to friends. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sleep, although sleep sounds nice it would be a good way to shut my mind off. I've already taken my melatonin for the night and that should be kicking in soon. I have been reading a lot. Like non-stop it seems. I don't know what I like and quite frankly, I don't feel like going out and doing anything to find out what I like. I think about the prospect of going out and meeting and interacting with women and it scares me. I am successful at anything I put my mind too but I have developed an aversion to people throughout my life. I tend to be more intellectual than most people I interact with and as a result I feel that I have come off as pompous and arrogant. I have built up a persona around myself that I have lived in with comfort. The girlfriend was one piece of that but that's gone and now I'm forced to look at the reality - my game is weak, my social confidence is weak, my ability to get my sexual needs met is weak. I know that I will have to go out and meet women to make this transition but I do not want to put in the effort. I also don't want to continue to sit around my house, though either. I am climbing the fucking walls. I work out and read and over the past month I have done so much reading and taking notes on the sidebar that it astonishes me the progress I made but in the back of my mind I hear - "the knowledge won't help you if you aren't willing to put it into action." And I am not. At least, right now. After the breakup, I made a goal set - one of the things on the list was to avoid sex and the conversations to set up sex with women for 90 days. Part of me wonders why I chose to do that - my thinking at the time was that I don't have a problem with women. I have a problem being with myself, and until I can get ok with being with myself then I will not be able to enjoy the company of women, or people in general. I think it's a sound thought process however, in practice and in all honesty I have take several half-assed attempts to set up sex. I've gotten some numbers. I have reached out to women in my contacts, I haven't really taken that goal seriously. And even though I want to say - well I haven't compromised the goal (I haven't compromised on that goal because of availability). Who's to say whether I would've compromised on that goal if the sex with beautiful women was readily available. So I don't know. I am constantly thinking about what I need to do, to get through this. I know at some point I'm going to have to get right with myself. I started taking testosterone shortly before the breakup and thought that it would help me get through it the negative mental downswing and it probably has. But there's a side of me that wants to be free from any exogenous substances, including caffeine. My thought behind that is I will be fully in touch with my thoughts and emotions without any outside influence. Although, another thought, in favor of the testosterone is that, I have it and I don't want to throw it away or sell it (if I could) and I have worked for a couple of years to improve my physique. Right now, my diet is the most regimented it has ever been, my training is the most consistent that it's ever been and I think that the quality of my training is pretty damn good. I am physically at the best possible point that I could be to take testosterone. Some thoughts on that though, food costs roughly 80$ per week and I am getting tired of spending that kind of money on food. Also the amount of time that I have spent in the gym over the past couple of years has been ridiculous. 10 hours/week average over 2 years. WTF. That time could've otherwise been spent elsewhere in areas that have better dividends. Don't get me wrong the maintenance of the body is crucial but I could do that, with far less time in the gym, less cost on groceries and be in far better shape than I am now. I look alright but I'm not in great conditioned shape. So there's some cognitive dissonance going on there. The game plan is to run this cycle and evaluate the results. Then pull back from exogenous substances caffeine included and try to get down to who I am without the external influence. I know that I'll need to set up some dating profiles too but I haven't wanted to put in the time or effort to do that. I may buy a camera though and get into photography, it would help give me something to do for me, it would be fun to do that with a girl when we're having sex, and I could start taking pics for my profiles. So...there's plenty of things that I should probably do, it's just I don't want to spend the money or time doing them. It baffles me that I want to sit in the misery because I know that if I sit here long enough I'm going to want to kill myself, literally. I've been there before, and I don't want to go back to that. But I also don't want to do the work to learn more about myself. Something's got to give though. I have thoughts that I have a fragile ego and I have carefully cultivated that ego and the supporting evidence for that ego for a while and now it's all starting to come down around me and it doesn't feel good. I also think that ego is the thing that keeps me from wanting to interact with people, because they challenge a sense of self that I have. Anyway. I was sitting here reading and being restless and figured I would get some of this out. Maybe it will help me process through some of it. Who knows?

Tip Namenooneknows for their post.