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mattyanon's musings
How to make friends
Published 10/13/18 by mattyanon [2 Comments]

Inspired by: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9npv0s/se...

I see this a lot on asktrp: "How do I make friends?". The poster above has the incite to realise that most people have friendship *happen* to them, and in fact anything else is seen as manipulative. Our society says "friendship is a magical thing that should just naturally happen. If it doesn't, then you shouldn't force it or do anything to change it, because that would be manipulative and wrong".

But this is TRP, so fuck that noise.

From the post: What about someone who started with no social prowess and has to build their social circle from the ground up?

I can relate. I learned how to make friends (I had to, I was an obnoxious socially retarded kid) and I also learned how to build a social circle from the ground up every time I moved to follow work. I've learned how to do this. You can too.

From the post: This person is me, and while these things are not excuses, they are handicaps, serious disadvantages that have proven extremely difficult to overcome.

This is wrong thinking. Don't see yourself as disabled, handicapped or in any other way a victim. Society doesn't give a fuck about men with problems, and you don't have any friends, so now you're a friendless loser who is dragging people down. Noone wants to know people like this. Do not be a victim, do not see yourself as a victim.

You're the end product of a billion years of multicellular reproduction, and ever single one of your ancestors managed to breed. Many of them had friends too. So shut the fuck up, stop whining and start DOING. "Woe is me" alienates people. Society rescues its women, but as a man it's your job to rescue yourself. And deep down, you gotta admit it: you don't want to be rescued, you want to be respected. And that means sorting your fucking head out and getting on with it.

You're not a victim, you're a guy living his life.

What the fuck actually ARE friends?

The narrative here is "well, every friendship is different", which of course means "I don't know".

Male friendship is generally experienced as mutual respect and support. There is genuine liking, relaxation, and at least the potential to help each other out significantly in life. A bed for a week, a small loan, an introduction to a job or an investor or a friend who might help. There's some degree of shared goals and wishing the best for each other. Furthering each other's goals. Suggestions. Shared expertise.

Friendships are often somewhat transient sadly. Make your peace with this and be ok with it. Things don't last forever.

And don't expect your burgeoning friendship to survive your new found bestie getting married: most men succumb to the female narrative sooner or later. Not always, but often.


"Sure Mattyanon, but what the fuck do I actually do?" [Hypothetical question that you should be asking right about now]

These are roughly in the order you should be applying them. You don't have to do them all to have friends, but they all help. NONE OF THIS WILL GET YOU LAID. This is designed to get you male friends. Applying this stuff to women will get you in the friendzone at best, hated at worst. Women operate on different principles and a lot of this stuff will alienate them. Doing small favours for men can win you respect, admiration and friendship. Doing favours for women gets you labelled a friendzoned beta faster than you can blink. Men like equals. Women like their men to be superior.

So Don't apply this stuff to getting laid or making female friends.

Fundamental belief shift:

IT IS OK TO MANUFACTURE FRIENDSHIPS OUT OF NOTHING. There, I said it. You can engineer friendships and they are no less genuine for it.

Join a social hobby, club, job, etc and talk to people

Don't aim to make friends at work or school or college. These "friendships" are usually not genuine and different rules apply. By all means be friendly and have fun, but don't expect these to be true friendships especially if you don't see each other outside school.

Find a way to meet people outside school/work/college. Join a club or organisation doing something that you want to do, something you'd like to be better at, something you're interested in. "Social club" type things generally suck because they're full of people who can't socialise in any other way, and you want to meet normal people who are getting on with their lives. Making friends involves first meeting people, so make a start on this first.

With most social clubs the needy and desperate will be the first to try and befriend you: these people are usually low status in the group and are trying to get you on their side. Don't be rude, but don't get too friendly with them. The best people can afford to hang back and check you out first, they'll take a few visits before you get to talk to them properly.

You'll find with most social clubs that the second and third visit is way easier than the first, as people realise you're both safe and someone who is going to keep coming back (so worth the time/risk to invest in getting to know), which brings me neatly onto:

Take it slowly, a bit more each day

The first time you meet someone, their guard is generally up. It's a long slog to get past this, but fortunately you don't need to bother. Quick hi the first time you see them.... next time (generally a different day, but works later in the same day too) you say "hey... how you doing" ..... each time you extend the conversation a little further.

Be non needy

The biggest fucking killer of potential friendships is neediness. Needing or wanting something from the person you're talking to. Manipulating the conversation to get your emotional needs met. Looking to see if they like you. Caring if they approve of you as a person. Urghhhhhhhhh. And probably the worst: telling tales of woe from your life in the hope of garnering a little sympathy. Not even your mother wants to be your mother at your age, noone else does either. Be a fucking man already. You want to seem like you're full of life, with stuff to give just oozing out of you as you go about being awesome. Sure, it's not always easy to live up to this ideal, but this is what people want.

Be a giver, not a taker

Take NOTHING from people, especially things they don't want to give. No social pressure, no boring them, no demanding from them, nothing. You don't have to give anything you don't want to give either, friendships are not paid for with blood, sweat, money or time. This isn't some blue pill "give and the world will give back" because it fucking won't. But emotionally speaking things should flow from you, not to you. You're the rock, the leader, the instigator.... not the victim, the follower or the complainer. Give value, don't take it. Value is basically good feelings, being high status, entertaining (without being the entertaining dancing monkey), emotionally strong, etc.

Be worthy of respect and you'll get it.

Don't talk all the time, don't listen all the time

Do both, should be obvious by now.

Talk in statements and about things you care about, but not about yourself. High status men do not say "I" much, that's what women do.

Don't ask fucking questions when you meet people. It's asking for them to lead, it shows poor social skills, too much interest, is nosy and fundamentally people don't want to give of themselves to people they don't yet know are high value.

Asking their name shouldn't be first... leave this until some common ground has been reached (eg after a few minutes or more). This is really simple: "Hi, my name is MattyAnon, pleased to meet you", smile, offer hand. If they forget ti give their own name, simply add "And who are you?" or "What can I call you?". Part of being the charming motherfucker you want to be is smoothing out small social glitches like this so that everyone feels comfortable.

See what other people do

I mean, don't watch them like some sort of creep. But do observe how other people handle social situations and the impact this has on other people.

"Bonding" moments

Enjoy these as they happen, but don't seek them out.

Mutual respect

Male friendship is based on mutual respect and common values/

Accept feedback

Don't defend yourself. Someone says "you're a fucking tiny dicked loser", you just say "ok". That's it. Compliments: say "thanks". Insults: say "ok". Sure, there are advanced better responses, but this is not worth the time to develop right now.

Appreciate people

The one thing missing from most people's lives is any sort of genuine appreciation. Don't overdo this! This is max once per day. It's really simple... "Hey.. I heard you did X thing... that's really cool" or "Well done on X". Things like "I like X about you" is pretty intimate and I'd save that for the girls they introduce you to.

Stand for something

People want to believe in something. Fucking stand for something. Try and achieve something. Strive. Tell people about your progress. People love to have something they can believe in. If it's hard to believe they'll be polite, and it's your job to show progress on this to show you're actually getting somewhere and working on it, and you're not a crackpot.

Popular people are often lonely

This is fucking gold dust. Those social centres, the person who knows everyone, the person who organises all the meetings, the one everyone knows? Often fucking lonely. The reality is often: no genuine friends, annoyed that people are flakey, struggling to cope and bring people together and getting zero appreciation for it. Invite 20 people to the best party ever and only 3 people say thanks or even that they enjoyed it? That's the lives of these people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. They don't complain because they know to be non-needy and not to complain.

What you do: show them some appreciation and offer them something. Invite them out to something. Include them in something they otherwise wouldn't do. Organise/run/create/build something yourself so you are an ally, so you have something in common. You're both trying to build something. And they'll love you for it, and you can bang all their friends. Or at least leverage their social network to create your own.

Escalate

By which I mean make things happen. Invite people out for drinks. Make social things happen. Organise a karting trip. You don't need a venue, you don't even need a house..... and most people are short of fun times.

Willingly help out... once

Help people... an hour here or there can be hugely appreciated. But don't keep doing it for people who are not offering the same. Don't say "no, I've done a lot to help you, it's your turn now", this never fucking works. Accept that this is how they are, and simply be too busy when they need you. You want to find mutually beneficial friendships, not sponges. It's worth investing a bit of time in people to find out which they are.

Don't criticise

Andrew didn't invite you out to the bar with his friends after you invited him out the previous week? Just fucking say nothing. No good will come of criticising or discussing it. You'll get your answer in time, meanwhile just get on with your own life and not depending on others. Criticising will just make you look weak or them uncomfortable.

It's much better to say "I heard you were out the other night, I'd have come along but I was in XYZ city getting laid" than it is to say "Why didn't you invite me? I invited you the previous week!". This just looks weak, even if you do have point. In fact the more you have a point the more he'll feel bad, which is now associated with you.

WAGs

Wives and girlfriends. Guys who say "I'll need a day to think about it" mean "I need to ask permission". These people are of limited use in your journey. Sure, they can be ok as friends, but their balls are in a vice and their significant others won't let them spend much time with you, especially if you're single. If you meet their partners just be friendly and pleasant and downplay how much you want to bang her friends.

Preselection

When you're "on the inside": people are vastly more friendly and easy to get to know. Party where you all know the host: everyone will be super receptive to talking to you. Simply start talking and it will go fine in situations like this.

The more exclusive and hard to get into a place, the more friendly everyone will be to you. Street? Terrified. Bar? Wary. Party? Fine. Small dinner party among known friends? Fucking easy.

Be Supportive

Yeah, don't leap straight into this one. This applies only to people who already offer you something you value and isn't a fucking whiner. But for good people, showing a little understanding and even helping here and there can work wonders.

Be good for the group

If you're seen as good for the group, you will be liked as supported. If you're seen as bad for the group, you won't. This applies at work, in social groups, in charities, in all organisations . The more you epitomise and further the (true) goals of the group, the more status you will be given. Be a threat to the group and you'll be hated. The only caveat to this is that the real agenda and motivations of the group may not be as they appear. for example a charity that is short of money: "let's help the poor" will be a lot less popular than "here's how we will fundraise". A men's group whose real purpose is friendship rather than action will not appreciate your call to arms, etc.

Weird Tricks [don't]

Behaving like an asshole because you saw this guy being a drunk asshole and everyone loved him? Yeah, don't do that. Most "assholes" that women talk about are just attractive men enjoying their options. The attractive came first, the asshole only with the options. Being a dick does not make you attractive. Same goes for any other weird tricks that you've thought of or heard of but which aren't normal: don't do them.

You don't need any weird tricks to make friends, especially with men. Just get the basics down and you'll be fine.

In summary: making friends isn't hard if you get out there, work on it a bit, and follow some basic rules.

See also: https://www.trp.red/p/mattyanon/556


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Comment by mattyanon on 10/15/18 04:04pm

More likely I'll be expanding this post. It'll be a while before I write much more on the subject, I've other articles in the works that are more male-female oriented

Comment by RedBusinessMan on 10/15/18 08:51am

Awesome post. Will you be writing more content on male friendships? I'd be interested in reading more.