While
pondering the Sexual Marketplace using economic metaphors, I had an
interesting insight that many relationship problems have "credit" in
common, and there's a simple way to avoid many of the problems men face.
Pitfalls like Briffault's law and Covert Contracts can be avoided by engaging the sexual marketplace on a cash basis.
Don't offer your prospects easy relationship credit.
Remember the fundamental SMP transaction: Men are the gatekeepers of
commitment, women are the gatekeepers of sex. Parse out your commitment
of time, money, etc in exchange for tokens of affection already
received, like you're paying cash for services already rendered. Of
course, you'll usually need to inject some seed capital
at certain points of a transaction, from initiating contact, touching
etc, to time/money in an LTR. You want to make sure not to invest so
much at any point that you've built up a "debt" you're not willing to
walk away from without regret. A man offering way too much upfront
commitment in exchange for not enough affection/sex is not only a poor
SMP negotiator, supplicating like this makes him downright unattractive
even to low-value women.
To clarify,
cash
is a metaphor
for whatever value you provide in exchange for her sex; not necessarily literally
paying cash for sex. The principle applies whether you give back
"nothing" but access to your Alphaness or a bag of skittles, all the way
to the opposite extreme of maintaining a mistress. The point is to make
sure whatever you give is present-oriented (cash basis) as opposed to
past or future-oriented (relationship "credit.")
In the short term,
keep a balance of IOIs, touches, etc. If you touch her a few times and
there's no touching back, don't keep investing in a losing game, she's not buying what you're peddling
so switch up your presentation or move on to another prospect. Once
you've established some push-pull, the amount of her touching, kissing
etc should settle into a pattern of 3 from her to 2 from you; this is the Golden Ratio of flirting.
In the long term
there can be some credit latitude scaled to the amount of time you've
been together and how well she's maintaining her share of relationship
maintenance over time. As a man, though, you can NEVER relax your
vigilance toward keeping the relationship balanced. Deadbedrooms and
AskMRP are full of examples of men who became complacent once settled in
a LTR or marriage, to the point of starfish sex or none at all becoming
the norm. This is NEVER cured by the man putting more benefits on the
table in hopes of future
improvement of her relationship performance. The correct move is to
withdraw your commitment of resources and attention, and to only restore
it in exchange for improvements after the fact. This is like declaring
relationship bankruptcy when her credit is maxed out, so she can't
borrow any more and must live within her (your) relationship means by
paying cash as she goes forward. In finance and love, it can be amazing
how reasonable a person can become when they suddenly have to behave
responsibly by paying as they go.
Covert contracts and the sunk costs fallacy
depend upon your anticipation of deferred rewards from her in exchange
for current performance by you. Both of these amount to offering
"relationship credit" that never becomes redeemable on favorable terms
for you if at all. The book
No More Mr. Nice Guy
is a good resource if you have a problem with these.
Sunk costs
are an easy trap for men to fall into after overinvesting in the past
and expecting rewards in the present, for example staying with a woman
who has become frigid, selfish and bitchy, because of all the time and
effort you've invested into the relationship. The correct way to manage
this is to forget the prior "sunk" costs and only consider the future
costs needed to maintain the relationship against benefits received, in
deciding how much more to invest or cut losses.
Covert contracts
arise from overinvesting in the present expecting rewards in the future.
For example, thinking "She'll (behave better/love me more/go back to
the Rockstar sex we used to know) if I just (spend more time, money,
attention) on her.
Aligning
your expectations on a cash basis (Present commitment from you for
present affection/sex from her) systemically prevents these traps from
becoming possible by eliminating the root cause: unearned and
unjustified relationship credit.
According to
Briffault's Law,
any past benefit provided by the male does not provide for continued or
future association from the female. Any agreement where the male
provides a current benefit in return for a promise of future association
is null and void as soon as the male has provided the benefit.
In
practice, this means that overinvesting time, attention, gifts,
validation etc in a woman because you HOPE she will give you affection
and sex in the future is a very poor bet. It's an easy pattern for
well-meaning men to fall into, for we are socialized to care for women.
However, TRP knows this leads to blue balls and empty wallets, and the
emergence of the
dinner whore,
women who troll dating sites just to get fancy dinners for free on first dates they have no intention of even kissing. She doesn't have a relationship credit counter adding points for your future; only offer benefits or rewards
after
she has delivered what you want.
Avoid
oneitis for those who don't reciprocate
by not offering any commitment or exclusivity to a woman UNTIL she has delivered
sufficient affection/sex to pay you
for the consideration. Remember, you are the prize.
Avoid
friendzoning that never matures into a relationship
(a form of covert contract) by vigilantly observing the results of
push-pull. Push some IOIs and affection into the relationship then watch;
if she doesn't pull for more by giving it back, reduce investment and
place it in another woman. If she doesn't respond to the withdrawal by
trying to pull you back, well, there's your answer. Most of them never
pull at all; you're looking for the ones who do.
Avoid
expensive dates that lead to nothing
by only offering only a simple, free or cheap first meeting upfront;
Jamba Juice and the Civic Fountain work well for me. Before we finish
our juice she's giving me IOIs and touches; by 1-2 hours there's been
enough cuddling and kissing that "Hey, let's go to lunch/dinner now!"
comes naturally and "prepaid." Scheduling first meetings at 10-11am and
4-5pm helps facilitate this. Schedule both timeslots with different women when screening new prospects.
Briffault's
law can be beaten by offering your "relationship benefits" in exchange
for tokens of her affection that she has ALREADY given you.
Delivering your rewards on credit flies in the face of what is known about motivation and behavioral change.
Nobody
places a high value upon that which comes easily; conversely, even an
insignificant or token investment can magnify the perceived value.
Experiments and studies consistently show people are more satisfied
with, and more posessive of
the same thing, if there is some cost involved, as opposed to it being "free."
Operant Conditioning
depends upon the feedback (payment or punishment) being delivered
after
the target behavior. This operates on a primitive level, whether it is a
couple establishing boundaries, or teaching a child to behave, or
teaching a chicken to play a toy piano. Timely rewards strongly
reinforce behavior. Rewards delivered regardless of behavior/performance
result in extinction of desired behaviors, and emergence of undesired
results like complacency/demotivation, disobedience, and
undesired/unexpected behaviors. Wives seldom start out as demanding
shrews, and bedrooms don't start out dead; these are the culmination of
many failed transactions/tests. With a mindset of paying cash as you go,
consistently
holding your partner to expectations before delivering rewards, a relationship has a chance of
improving
over time, or at least not devolving into the shitter, one unjustified concession at a time.
Cautions and caveats
Application
of this principle is subtle and flexible, not a hard, obvious
tit-for-tat. Women are better than you at spotting behavioral patterns,
especially
changes,
so don't be Captain Obvious Doofus
about it.
Reinforcement is most effective in actions, not words. Explain less, do consistently.
Acta, non verba.
This is not a recommendation to reward
less;
the principle applies whether you are naturally parsimonious and
frugal, or generous and lavish toward a given significant other. The
important part is
if and when
to deliver the reward; the how much
is flexible according to your personal style.
Make
certain your own negotiated obligations are delivered in a timely
manner; neither a relationship credit lender nor borrower be. Disregard
the moralistic reasons if you wish; I've found this a highly
practical
modus operandi.
Engage
the sexual marketplace on a cash basis, and you'll avoid many of the
pitfalls of relationships, from Briffault's Law, to Oneitis and Covert
Contracts.
Women don't give men relationship credit for the future, so don't offer it to them either.
Exchange value for value in the present.
Give
your time and commitment on credit only at your careful discretion, and
never more than you're willing to lose or walk away from.
Tip MentORPHEUS for their post.