For one of the first times since I discovered TRP a year ago, I’ve been struggling to keep a clear mind about a girl. This is coming from a guy that preaches, to himself mostly, about dating multiple girls, not getting oneitis, being masculine, working towards the best version of yourself, being your own mental point of origin, etc. I pride myself usually living a "red pill life". But I’m in the same boat as everyone else, making mistakes and reevaluating my beliefs.

I have to remind myself that I am not the same person I was when I was blue pill. And this is obvious to me in a lot of ways. I successful avoided a lot of the mistakes I used to make. But my situation was also different than it was before.

First, I wasn’t talking to any girls, so all my changes were more about me than my interactions. These changes made my life exponentially better. I embraced my sense of style, I embraced my masculinity, I embraced desire. I started TRT. I started approaching girls. I used new found knowledge. I realized that being agreeable, placating, needy, and overly attached was not what attracted girls. I realized that I needed to embrace being high value, masculine, strong-willed, assertive, and playful were things that were. I realized how many girls have been into me and how much success I could have in the past. I could start playing to my strengths and doing some tinkering.

I went from not being able to attract a girl and not pushing them away to being someone I could be proud of. It took a lot of mental effort, books, articles, journaling and introspection and ultimately was worth it. I learned things about women that made my expectations realistic and measured.

But it was only stage one.

The next stage was when I had a girl attracted to me who I thought was better than any girl I’d been with before (first mistake). At first, I was coming from the high of my newly developed value and skills. She felt I was outcome independent, confident, and alpha and that is why I was successful. When I developed oneitis the entire dynamic changed, obviously. It wasn't the typical oneitis I had as a blue pill beta but oneitis I tempered with my knowledge of women. I didn't think she was my soulmate. I mostly I think it was because I wanted the validation. As if to say, “Look! Look how red pill I am! Look how much I’ve changed! Look at the girls I can get and keep!". I’m not sure if I wanted to prove this to other people or myself. It lead to me being a borderline orbiter. I dispelled with the truths of red pill I once held so true. Stuff like to never chase, never over focus on one girl (only multiple), or never forget that I was the prize.

I was using red pill techniques for blue pill ends. And I was energetically different. I could feel it in my bones.

I tried everything to clear my head as much as I could, because I could not stand the thoughts consuming me day after day.

I wrote an article, took a trip, and spent an extended amount of time at my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym.

The only thing that actually worked was asking my dad for advice (who I introduced to all this stuff and he took to it like a fish to water). I asked him how I could shake this feeling. He showed me a picture of myself from when I was a kid. He goes “what does he want?”. I was completely immersed in play in the picture. I used to create vivid environments in my head where I’d fight robots, villains, and go on missions through treacherous environments. I used to be entranced in play solely in my head. I answered him that “I didn’t know”. He then told me, “that’s because you aren’t listening to him.” He was right. Nothing I thought about was myself.

I had her on my mind when I picked out clothes. I used to wear whatever the fuck I wanted.

I had her approval in mind when I made decisions. I used to do whatever the fuck I wanted.

I had what she’d respond to in mind when I spoke. I used to say whatever the fuck I wanted.

I had her on my mind constantly. I realized I must think about myself.

My younger self knew his value was inherent, I used to know I was the shit. My constant analysis dug me into a hole where I had useful information but forgot to focus on myself.

My grandma passed recently. She was one of the only women in my family that appreciated my masculinity. She liked the size of my arms or when I could lead her by the arm outside when she had trouble walking. I realized that the lens I saw myself in was one that needed approval of my masculinity. A lens through where I needed to be told it's okay to be a man. I thought of how my grandma looked at me, where being a man was expected and appreciated of me.

I build all this value within myself, just to end up not appreciating it. I had to take the next step, and truly acknowledge who I am in my core. I needed to acknowledge what I want and what I'll take. I decided I will bring myself back into alignment where I am the centered of my own life and I don't need any particular girl.

I’ve embraced these growing pains. I don’t cry over wasted time and wasted thoughts, they are in the past.. Whatever is has happened is done and whatever will happen will happen. I am happy to enjoy the ride and see what challenges are next. I know that this will help me be a more authentic masculine man to share my experiences.

Tip yamseveryday for their post.