Why don't women fart as much as men?
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They never shut the fuck up long enough to build up any pressure!
Why don't women fart as much as men?
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They never shut the fuck up long enough to build up any pressure!
Two elderly Nuns were driving to minister to some hospital patients. At a red light, the DEVIL suddenly appeared on their hood!
The driver quavers, "Oh Sister, what should I do?" The other replies, "Quick, show him your cross."
So the driver rolls down her window, leans out, and shouts,
At the feed store in town, employees were excitedly discussing a pregnant co-worker getting ready to go to the hospital to have a baby. An old farmer from way out in the countryside piped up that his wife had all 5 of their kids at home in their remote farm house, without any problems. "Oh, that must have been hard!" one of the ladies said. "Naw, she and the baby were fine every time, and now they're all grown. Births happen all the time out on the farm, and I knew exactly how to handle it." There was a pause as the cashier was ringing up things, and he added, "Hardest part was getting her to eat the afterbirth."
Two nuns we're riding their bikes to church. One says "I've never come this way before." The other says "it's the cobblestones"
The Preacher's Wife wanted to make a special Easter dinner, so she asked the butcher what cuts of meat he had. "You're in luck... we just got in a new product; it's called Damn Ham."
She gets offended and says "You KNOW I'm the preacher's wife. How could you say that to me?"
"No, really, it's called Damn Ham! Look at the label. It's the tastiest ham I've had in 30 years of butchering!"
"Okay, I'll try it!" She spends the day cooking and when her husband comes home he gives her a kiss and asks, "What are you cooking that smells so good."
"It's Damn Ham."
"DAMN HAM?!? How could you say that, and on Easter?"
"No, really honey, look at the package that's what it's actually called."
"OK, well it sure smells good."
They're seated at the table with their surly, defiant teenage son. Sure enough, the ham is the best they'd ever eaten. The Preacher clears his plate and wants more.
"Son, can you pass the Damn Ham?"
"Sure, pop. And pass me the fucking potatoes."
Read MoreFor the musicians:
What's better than roses on your piano? .
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@Typo-MAGAshiv haha good one. Ok now it's my turn, bend over
Another one in the spirit of Saint Patrick's Day:
A leprechaun (an actual one, and not a fag midget playing dress-up to seduce gullible young men like @Victor) goes into a bar. He saunters on up to the bartender and asks:
Do ye have any GREEN BEER?!
the barkeep replies:
no, we don't. Not even for Saint Patrick's Day. Sorry.
The leprechaun gets pissed off and knocks over several bowls of nuts and pretzels and platters of drinks on his wayn out.
The next night, the same leprechaun returns to the same bar, and asks the same bartender the same question:
say, laddie, do ye have any GREEN BEER?!
the bartender is quite perturbed at his return, and says:
I told you last night, no, we don't. We never have, and we never will. What made you think my answer would be different tonight?
The leprechaun slaps him across the face, blinds him with a drink, and throws a salt shaker through a window on his way out.
The next night, the barkeep is ready for the leprechaun as he comes in.
do ye have any GUUURRRKK!
the barkeep hoists him up by the neck until they're nose-to-nose.
Listen to me, you little puke:
we've never had green beer, and we never will. Never. Fucking never.
two nights in a row, you've come in causing a ruckus over our lack of green beer. If you ask for green beer again, I'm going to nail your little feet to the floor!
He threw the leprechaun to the floor, who scooted on out, visibly frightened.
The next night, the leprechaun returned again, but this time approached a different bartender.
Do ye have a hammer?
The bartender, quite confused, replied to the negative.
well, do ye have any NAILS?!
to which the barkeep responded:
this is a tavern, not a hardware store. Why would we have nails?!
So the leprechaun made sure the original bartender could hear him, as he stared him in the face and asked loudly enough for the entire tavern to hear:
Read MoreWELL THEN, DO YE HAVE ANY GREEN BEER?!