[9/27, 21:04] Me: I just wanted to inform you that your mom sent an Uber to deliver carrot cake that she made. So I have put it in the fridge, and we will both hold our peace so there will be enough peace to eat soon.
[9/27, 21:06] My Wyfe: I'm not doing therapy with you
[9/27, 21:15] Me: We can barely talk about things anymore other than banal day-to-day things, otherwise it would cause a fight. This means our marriage is currently dysfunctional. You have said it is impossible to talk to me like 3 to 10 times, and I can't seem to get through to you either. Hopefully it can be solved within a few days like our other bad fights in the past. If not, the only way is to get a third-party: A therapist, friend, counsellor, family member, or anyone to help us communicate again and solve it.
[9/27, 21:15] My Wyfe: BECAUSE OF YOU
[9/27, 21:17] My Wyfe: It feels like a trap
[9/27, 21:18] Me: I have said that the third party can also be from your side, to avoid any conflict of interest.
[9/27, 21:19] My Wyfe: It's all because what I say is not important
Here is a copy of my messages sent to my sister-in-law for context:
[9/27, 14:36] Me: We're currently fighting. I'm trying to be a better leader, but perhaps it makes things look worse before they get better.
[9/27, 20:47] Me: Hello, our marriage is in danger. I don't think there will be enough peace at home for [you to visit] tomorrow. I can't talk to her anymore without a third party, and she feels the same way about talking to me. I urgently need a couple's therapist, but she doesn't accept that yet. So our communication has just died, you know? Help from any third party is crucial.
[9/27, 21:00] Me: I think [we as a couple] worked during the 3 years we have been married because I tolerated and prioritized her happiness, but now the time has come for me to prioritize both: her happiness and mine too, because I'm the leader of the family (de facto, and she agrees and wants these roles); the health of my soul or the lack of it spreads to everyone within the family. It affects all areas: progress, happiness, finances, health, and much more. It's been 3 years, so the time has come for me to put my happiness on the same level as hers.
[9/27, 21:44] Me: I think [the problem is] that I want to do what I want without worrying "Would this make her happy or sad?" more frequently than is healthy, and she takes things too personally that don't have much to do with her and gets scared of making me sad; and now she wrote that she doesn't want any third party because talking to one automatically means that I belittle what she wants to say.
Update [27/09, 22:33] I decided to go to another state far away for 7 days so I can have some air (I have never done this before, as I don't want to, and furthermore it would really rock the boat, as her father can be controlling) and in hopes that she might agree to the therapy during and that we might solve it with a therapist remotely before I come back.
So that got me thinking that I didn't want the terrible fight to be my last memory. So I said, "We definitely cannot solve this now, but I got worried that this would be my last memory, in case I die tonight, so I'll hug you now."
During the long hug, she asked me if I really think a third party or therapist would help, and if so, I could get one.
I didn't reveal it to her, but this made me really mad as I lost my reason for the break, as the fight was really bad and I wanted some time for myself.
This "theme" has happened so many times (in the past 3 to 4 years of us together) that I feel played. Every time, she repeatedly says something I believe deserving of a break or other consequences (in this case, "I'm not doing therapy with you"), and as soon as I hug her, she says "Okay we can do therapy," and expects everything to be fine.
Every time in the past I forgive her just like that, but even though she sounded sincere with the apology just now, the fight was so bad that now I really feel played and tested.
I always like to ask if I'm wrong first, so am I in any wrong here?
Update [28/09, morning] This morning before going out and having some time to myself, I hugged her as I really do love her despite things not currently working out. However, we starting talking and in less than 2 minutes it became a fight before I stopped it and reminded her that we needed and had agreed to get a therapist first. This makes me still feel like going somewhere far away to fix it remotely can be justified, as we are too dysfunctional right now, and I can't afford being dysfunctional as I work from home and need the environment to be more or less calm in order to work properly. Our bank balance is currently low as well so I can't just argue all day or be too sad or affected to work.
Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his #book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.
Read More
