Part 1: Womanese

Original author: Pook

More Womanese!

Gentlemen, I have concluded that women desire THREE men. One is the man for her heart, another is the man for her words, and the third is the man in her arms!

Likewise, the cryptic code of Womanese, whose very utterance causes men to pace nervously and shakes the foundations of language, divides into three splinters: The first splinter are words she SAYS she has, the second are words she THINKS she has, and the third are words for why she ACTUALLY does it.

Therefore, we must look at Womanese in these three ways. BOLD will be what the woman is saying. REGULAR TEXT will be what the Translator is saying. ITALICS will be what Da Pooky is saying.

Do you have a girlfriend? → You are CUTE! Are you on the market?

You are certainly attentive tonight! → Is sex ALL you think about?

How much do you love me? → I did something you are NOT going to like.

We need to communicate better. → You need to agree with me more. → Smile, nod head, repeat.

I don't want to ruin our friendship! → Let me continue to tell you about all the guys I'm sleeping with. → WOMEN are the reason why Nice Guys can't get laid.

I want HONESTY. No games! → Tell me what I want to hear.

Do what you want. → You'll pay for it later.

I don't remember how much it costs. → I'll never tell you it cost a fortune.

Let's paint the room! → You paint the room, I'm going shopping. Oh, and don't make a mess.

Uh huh → Oh, did you say something? Whatever it was, it must not have been important.

No, take out is fine for dinner. → You cheap bastard!

I want a stable future. → I need to marry a sugar daddy!

You wouldn't understand. → I don't even understand, but I'm not going to tell you that. → Hell, we ALL don't understand.

My screen name is JennySmalt → I have nothing to hide. There is nothing exciting about me.

My screen name is DoItToMeNow6969696969 → If you need this explained, you aren't a guy. → OK Mr. AFC. Since you cannot get this (and thus have no chance of becoming a guy), girlproblems.com is your home.

So why did you and your ex break up? → What is wrong with you? → Because I was Mr. NiceGuy who skipped around in fantasy land and... No, don't tell her. Say "I dunno!"

This guy was STARING at me today. He then came over and asked me out... → She wants YOU to ask her out RIGHT NOW! → It seems she is talking about other guys, but she is actually trying to convey that she is beautiful and desirable. She wants you to see that because she wants you to ask her out NOW.

What do you think of [insert girl's name]? What do you think about that girl [insert another girl's name]? → Do I have competition?

I don't want a boyfriend now. → I don't want YOU as my boyfriend. → EVERY woman is on a lookout for a man. It's a life purpose.

I don't know. What do YOU want to do? → I can't BELIEVE you have nothing planned. → No, you are absolutely dead in the water. Congratulations, flotsam!

I'm picky! → There are no dating prospects here!

I'm VERY picky! → I'm a religious virgin girl, still under the umbrella of her parents, and demand perfection. → Can we say 'unrealistic expectations'?

Maybe [insert old woman] thought you were hot! → You are what is hot. → Women are not direct. They project their thoughts through a prop. In this case, the old lady is the prop.

Come here! → My puppy dog does this too! → And her attention scraps are "Nice Guy Chow".

This apartment is SO inconvenient! → I want a new apartment. → And I want a new girlfriend!

I want new furniture. → I want new furniture, carpeting, curtains, wallpaper...

I heard a noise! → I noticed you were asleep. → Be careful she doesn't take your covers when she gets back!

I'll be ready in a minute. → Sit back, kick off the shoes, and find a good show.

My ex... → I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. → NEXT!

I like you, but... → I don't like you.

It is a 'Girl's Night' tonight! → We're going to get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. → And how does this differ from any other night of the week?

It's OK → It's NOT OK. → YOU'RE not OK.

I need space. → ...without YOU in it.

I AM NOT YELLING! → This is important. → When is it NOT important?

Nothing is wrong. → Everything is wrong. → YOU are what's wrong.

I DON'T want to talk about it! → I'm still building evidence against you! → The volcano is building, ready to erupt with rhetorical smoke and vomit lava-like lies. Flee!

I'm an artist! → I'm unreliable! → And she's poor.

I'm affectionate! → I'm possessive! → And you'll always be seen as cheating!

I'm an adventurer. → I've had more lovers than you can imagine. → And you get the baggage of her past!

I'm seeking friends first. → I'm trying to live down my reputation as a slut. → See the 'adventurer' translation

I'm mature. → I won't let you treat me like a farm animal in bed like my last boyfriend. → MOO!

I'm open-minded and outgoing. → I am desperate and loud. → She's a NICE GIRL. Hah!

Are you GAY? → Why won't you go out with me or anyone? → The highest compliment a man can receive. All women are interested in you, and YOU get to pick.

I got out of a 7 year relationship last year and I've been rebuilding all aspects of my life. I think I need another half year to reach my former peak of confidence and physique.

But I'm on the right track and finally starting to get some attention from the hotties lately, but those all want to see my instagram... And when they see my profile in the morning after they met me, they all unfollow.

I do tons of fun stuff however I hardly ever get good pictures from these events. I'm not that photogenic either. My last two phones got stolen so I can't even post all the travels I did. On top of that my friends only seem to take/share pictures in which they look better. And there are huge holes in the timeline from the ex-era. Face to face I got much better game then most of em but they are better at social media and seem to even secretly like the fact that I'm so bad at it?

Hate this shit at 38 but it seems more and more necessary. Do I delete it all and start from 0? I don't have a time machine to fix the last 7 years of missing content. I honestly don't know where to start. Ongoing pinned stories of what? Remove tagged shit from friends? Feeling like a boomer here.