I’m a 25-year-old guy (my girlfriend is 25) raised in a traditional Iraqi culture. I’ve left the religion and a lot of the social expectations that come with it, but there’s still a part of me that’s deeply wired by how I grew up—especially around women, purity, and what makes a woman “marriage material.”
I’ve been with my current girlfriend for about a year. She has a bad relationship with her father as he always has been phsycially and emotionally abusive, her mom is a successful gynecologist who never submits to a man as the men in her life are pathetic failures. My gf has nonetheless been extremely loving, submissive, loyal, and feminine. I was her first real physical experience ( we did everything but she is still technically a virgin), and I’ve led the relationship from the start. She listens, tries to improve (never repeats the same mistake), obeys, even started therapy when I suggested it. Emotionally, she’s fully imprinted on me. Honestly, I’ve never experienced a woman loving this hard or this loyally. I am her first actual relationship and she is mine. Before the guy she kissed she had only one close guy she used to talk to (long distance) and he fumbled her (by not comitting) and tried to get her back but she blocked him and moved on years ago.
Here’s the problem.
She told me early on that before me, she had one dating experience that lasted a month and a half. She said they kissed, nothing else, and it didn’t go anywhere. At the time, I brushed it off. But recently, I asked more questions. She gave me the full story: • She met the guy (a 34-year-old basketball player—she was 23) at a game. • He pursued her, flattered her, and they went on 15–20 dates over two months. • Around date 5, she started kissing him. • He tried to escalate sexually, invite her over, get physical—she rejected all of it. • Eventually, she realized he wasn’t serious about a relationship (he was going back to his ex in another country), so she cut it off and said she regretted even kissing him. • She admitted she was craving validation and closeness at the time, since her family environment was abusive and neglectful. • Said she never felt emotionally safe or connected as he kept convos shallow that's why she retracted
This is the only guy she ever kissed before me. No sex, no deep emotional bonding. Just a weak phase in her life where she was lonely and got caught up in attention and the fantasy of being wanted. She at some point said that she made it a point to herself before she decided to date him for fun that she would not "touch him" (sexually) or get touched sexually either as she believed that required a deep emotional bond.
Now here’s where I’m stuck.
Since hearing the full story, something inside me shifted. I feel like the fire I had for her dimmed. I can’t shake this thought of:
“She gave something—even just a kiss—to a guy who didn’t deserve it. Someone I would never respect. How could she let that happen if she really valued herself?”
Me personally? I have only ever dated 1 woman and taken her to be on date 3 (that was my first experience) but I never actually had sex with her as it didn't feel right so I thought my virginity should belong to a woman I love, then found my current gf and she wants to wait til marriage (fine by me if I do end up putting a ring on it).
What’s messing me up is that she’s done everything right with me. She’s saved everything else for me, worships me, obeys, and is healing herself for us. She’s even expressed guilt over her past and said she wishes she could take it back.
But I can’t help this gut-level resentment. Like her value dropped in my eyes once I found out how lightly she gave something emotional/physical to a man without commitment, without love, just because she wanted to feel wanted. How poor her vetting was since she retracted only after realizing she won't be able to live out her love story with him.
I’m not sure what to do.
Part of me thinks: “She’s not perfect, but she’s rare. Good enough to build with, especially in this modern world.”
Another part says: “If she did that once, it proves she didn’t hold herself to the standard I need to fully respect her as my wife.”
I’m not trying to be insecure—I just know how I feel. And how I feel is off.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I only started getting this feeling the moment I started considering marrying her (I never thought of marriage before this) now that we are 10 months in. I don't get why I never minded her past and thought it was extremely clean up until now.
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TL;DR: Girlfriend was submissive, loyal, virgin, and deeply in love with me. Only had one dating experience before me, kissed a guy for 2 months, never had sex, cut it off when she saw he wasn’t serious. I only got the full story recently, and now I feel like I lost respect for her and can’t shake the resentment. She’s doing everything right, but the fact that she gave part of herself to someone I see as low-value is haunting me. Is this salvageable, or is it a sign I need to walk?
Did you date other girls other before you dated her?
Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.
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