@dizzyboi

Women Leave for Happiness — What If I’m the Unhappy One?

I’ve been married 15 years. Good career(6 figs), stay in shape, live with intention. I realized that I’ve been slowly shrinking to fit inside my wifes comfort zone. Sacrificing myself to try to make her happy by doing what i thought i was supposed to (provide/protect/etc), but....i dont get really anything in return.

My wife is a good woman in the traditional sense — cooks, cleans, caring and loyal. But emotionally, nada. She’s avoidant, defensive and resists everything outside her comfort zone. No hobbies, no curiosity, no willingness.

She says she’s “content but not happy.” I feel obligation, loyalty, and compassion… but no spark, no partnership, no real life together beyond logistics and chores.

Here’s the part I’m wrestling with:

Red Pill talks a lot about women leaving men “because they weren’t happy” — and how men get blindsided. So what happens when I’m the one who isn’t happy? Am I doing the same thing, just in reverse?

I’m not blaming her for everything. I own my mistakes, but she is "dismissive-avoidant".

I’m at the point where separation feels like the only path but part of me wonders if I’m falling into the same trap RP warns about-- chasing “happiness.”

I’m not chasing excitement. I’m chasing a partner who actually engages.

So here’s my question to this community:

How do you tell the difference between:

“I’m unhappy, so I’m leaving” (the thing men get burned by) vs “The relationship has hit a dead end because we’re fundamentally incompatible in growth, effort, and emotional connection.”

I’ve been married 15 years. Good career(6 figs), stay in shape, live with intention. I realized that I’ve been slowly shrinking to fit inside my wifes comfort zone. Sacrificing myself to try to make her happy by doing what i thought i was supposed to (provide/protect/etc), but....i dont get really anything in return.

My wife is a good woman in the traditional sense — cooks, cleans, caring and loyal. But emotionally, nada. She’s avoidant, defensive and resists everything outside her comfort zone. No hobbies, no curiosity, no willingness.

She says she’s “content but not happy.” I feel obligation, loyalty, and compassion… but no spark, no partnership, no real life together beyond logistics and chores.

Here’s the part I’m wrestling with:

Red Pill talks a lot about women leaving men “because they weren’t happy” — and how men get blindsided. So what happens when I’m the one who isn’t happy? Am I doing the same thing, just in reverse?

I’m not blaming her for everything. I own my mistakes, but she is "dismissive-avoidant" ( emotional distance, withdrawal, stonewalling, defensiveness, and difficulty with intimacy/affection)

I’m at the point where separation feels like the only path but part of me wonders if I’m falling into the same trap Red Pill warns about: chasing “happiness.”

Except… I’m not chasing excitement or novelty. I’m chasing life. Growth. A partner who actually engages.

So here’s my question to this community:

How do you tell the difference between:

“I’m unhappy, so I’m leaving” (the thing men get burned by) vs “The relationship has hit a dead end because we’re fundamentally incompatible in growth, effort, and emotional connection.”

I’m trying to avoid cope. I want clarity if this all on me, a natural mismatch, or a necessary hard decision. Friends say, leave & be happy. Maybe I need to man up?

Plan to separate around new year, if not sooner.

I don't disagree with the idea that it's not any mans responsibility to be the source or well spring of happiness in another persons life. Happiness is temporary, fleeting, that's why we value it so much. If she's otherwise content in her relationship with you, you're doing awesome as far as any guys would be concerned. I can only hope that in the litany of questions you've given your wife over the years after noticing her unhappiness, it has helped you to discern if her feelings are purely coincidental to occurring in the marriage, or explicitly due to it. Once you pull the trigger, it will be a very challenging thing for obvious reasons to undo should you change your mind. However, when everything is said and done you don't need our permission or approval with what you're about to initiate.

Whether you do or not, consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his #book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.

@Goingthedistance

First kiss & sex close - the lesson for the emotional guys (shut the fuck up and play it cool, you can lose it later)

After my recent breakup and dealing with severe anxiety and heartbreak, somehow I managed to act.

Will not get into the breakup of my relationship, it just happen recently. I am lost, feeling lonely and heartbroken, jumping from severe anxiety to just anxiety on a daily basis.

As I was trying to keep busy from thinking about my pain, i spotted a chick on social media, I had her as a friend for a while but never spoken with her, i did see her around the city a while so I decided to message her.

I texted her some compliments about the way she rides her motorcycle, I thought nothing of this and moved on with my day. Later she replied that she's surprised that I noticed that and that she's happy for the compliments.

We started chatting about motorcycles and school and life, nothing too deep, just lightweight stuff.

Morning comes and her messages are just the same but she quickly turns into a sad message as she had her Long distance "relationship" end. In my heartbroken pain i decided to just voice message her with simply "You are sad, let me take you out of the house and you will feel better". She rejected my proposal at first but I insisted one more time with "how about I convince you to go out and fell better about today?".

I get the simple text back 5 minutes later "alright, i think i'm going out, where are we meeting?".

We ended up meeting in a good place in the city and what was supposed to be a "1 hour walk and we talk" thing, ended up being 3 hours of walking and talking, then driving her car, then staying in the car for more than an hour.

After much talking and personal insights into ourselves, we ended up french kissing in front of everyone, as the car was parked front first next to a nice place full of people.

We have plans to go out again "As friends" because we are both heartbroken and we need to take it easy. I don't care either way, even if she ends up being just a friend, she's a good addition to my life.

What i've learned here?

• I'm strong yet I don't know it yet.
• Just because some bad thing happened to you, it does not stop you to act on your logic and do something, even if it means risking feeling worse.
• I got game, both in text and face to face. When i was with this chick, i turned her around from "not wanting to kiss" to having a full blown making session.
• Heartbeak hurts a lot, my mind is filled with bad thoughts, but when I was with this chick, my brain was quiet, the pain was less present.

Good on you for making moves on other girls after breaking up with the ex. Study the book, get rid of anything short of the bike that reminds you of the ex and continue to move on with your life.