LDR Girl Brought Up Moving — Now She’s Stressed That It’s “Real”
I know I'll be scorched here as LDRs are frowned upon, and not considered as real relationships, but this is the situation that I am in.
So, been in a long-distance relationship she’s visited me a couple times — things always go well in person. She was the one who brought up closing the distance and moving to my country. Her words: she doesn’t want us to keep visiting and then one day ask, “Why are we even doing this?”
I started looking for an apartment with that in mind. When I told her I found a place and might sign, she suddenly got stressed. Said it made things feel “real.” No breakdown, just visible tension. She even started seeing a therapist about it. Which suggested for her to take things very slow.
We had a call yesterday. She said her job situation is the biggest concern — figuring out remote work or how to land something here. Logical concerns, sure. I put emphasis on not feeling pressured and that we can go with the flow, while also comforting her and that I want her to move here. But there was no emotional reciprocity from her side. She was glad we had the talk, mentioning that it was comforting, but for me it felt the opposite and gave me even more ambiguity. We haven't spoken much after this.
I’ve paid for most of the trips, but we agreed long-term we’d split costs. Still, I’m the one putting in most of the material investment so far. Now she’s talking about the move more like a logistical challenge than something she’s emotionally committed to.
Question: Is this just normal pressure hitting her, or is this the first sign she’s pulling back?
My take: When fantasy meets reality, people show their true calibration. She liked the idea — but now that I’m making moves, she’s reacting with stress, not certainty. That’s not a great signal. I’m watching closely, but I won’t chase.
You need to seriously study the book, before you follow-through and import this girl you've met a few times to your country to live with you. You're clearly very interested in her, but you've only known of each other for five months and met a few times. The problem isn't that you're chasing, but that you're lead footing thing. If you don't curb your enthusiasm, this one-itis you've developed may lead to you alienating this female against you.
If she's telling you that her therapist, of all people, is suggesting she slow down, then take your foot off the accelerator and cultivate a few hobbies to occupy your mind. Few relationships fail because the couple took their time. Allow yourselves a few more months to get to know each other.
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Would you confront her again or just walk?
I am in a long distance relationship with a girl for 4 months. I have known her for a year. We met many times, we were casual for the most part, I liked her a lot and wanted to pursue this. She is emotionally invested, plans on moving to my country mid summer, and is paying me a visit in 2 weeks.
There's something that I have noticed later in the relationship which was having casual interactions with old flings. In all honesty, I didn't care about it at the time, but at some point she added me to her private IG where she has just a few people there and I took notice that she has at least two old flings there (an ex and a FWB). On the same day, I confirmed one of them because I saw he commented on her post in her public IG with fire emojis, told her I don't keep contact with exs. So, she said it's indeed her ex, but assured that their interactions only pertain to reactions and nothing else. She didn't deflect or anything.
If I am being honest with myself, If I go back to 8 years ago, I'd next this girl in a heartbeat. But I do feel like I am a little calmer in my reactions and more understanding as I truly trust this woman.
Generally, this has worked for me, but it just keep showing up against my face. Last week I took notice that they still exist with her posts, I just naturally pulled back she noticed and pursued me with warm signals, but we didn't confront anything.
I am unsure about how I should move forward with this girl. Her next trip is fully ready. I do want to meet her, but I somehow cannot disengage myself emotionally and enjoy the moment. I feel like initiating this convo again is weak as I'd be repeating myself, but it also feels like dumping her is a bad idea as I trust her.
I am not sure to which extent has she minimized her communication with old flings after our conversation.
What do you guys think about this dynamic? Is it a good idea to revisit this topic once more for clarity rather than jumping to conclusions?
If I try to answer to answer my own question: She's keeping options open, not necessarily maliciously, but her intent isn't as important as her actions.
She still values these guys' attention, and asking her directly about this is going to make or break this situation.
Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.
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