Challenging situation. Need advice.
A couple years ago, I was zeroed out. Hard. Would like to think we’ve all been there at one point or another. Still in the process of taking accountability and rebuilding my life.
During this time, I moved in with my main LTR fully knowing what would likely happen. It was either that or homelessness. I’ve improved my station in life massively, and this chick still adds value to my life, has great qualities, but due to a pattern of events I’ll never be able to trust her again, let alone consider her true LTR material. This chick has confessed some awful stuff (be non judgmental and get her comfortable, and see for yourself). The sex is great, but I know im likely not her top option, she’s in her early 30s and is looking for a safe place to land. Have expressed I’m never getting married, but girls always think you’ll change your mind later.
It’s August. People’s leases are ending. Have come to realize staying in this situation is bad for my mental health and frame. Been a while since I lived on my own, but I know I need it. This LTR however, still thinks I’ll be her eventual Beta Bucks and has started looking at new two bedroom places (PRO TIP: if you’re gonna move in with a girl, having separate bedrooms will help a LOT) Not signing a lease with her. Also have a small business with her, which complicates things.
Almost have enough saved for a car, which takes priority over my own place, but will mostly drain my finances.
Here are my options. Remember not to moralize:
1: move in with her, find a way to not sign the lease. Or sign the lease and eat the cost of breaking it. Move into my new place when it’s ready, get my stuff out while she’s at work. Could potentially break the news a few days early, but this could be disastrous. She can afford the place by herself, no need for replacement roommate.
OPTION 2: rent a storage unit, and stay with my other LTR. This one and I get along better, and shes higher quality. Also offered to loan me $1000 to help get me out of the situation, which I’m thinking of accepting. There could be an angle, but genuinely doesn’t seem like there’s strings attached.
Option 3: Bite the bullet, get the car, and my own place all at once. The place I rent will have to be far from ideal and it puts me in a dangerous situation financially. No safety net, but potential opportunity to better myself through the discipline and struggle. Leave the 1st LTR with no closure, an ambiguous “nothing has to change” and slowly detach from her. Maybe keep fucking her, maybe not.
Option 2 strikes me as the most rational with the highest Pro to Con ratio. Interested in hearing what you guys have to say, and any similar stories and lessons. Thanks a lot, TRP saved my life.
Option 2, it is then. Study the book and good luck to you regardless of whatever choice you ultimately make.
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Question for intermediate TRPers regarding Oneitis and resentment
Context: Have been entertaining 2 different one-sided LTRs for the past 3 years with various FWBs + plates that come and go. Have told both I never plan to legally marry. They accept this on the surface but considering one is 27 and the other is 34(and they’re women), they likely delude themselves
Some poor past choices led me to have to rebuild my life from the ground up. I’d like to think we’ve all been there at one point or another. During this time, 2 plates behaved well enough to earn FWB, and then trial-LTR status. Bitch Management style works wonders if done correctly. While one of these has been smooth sailing, the other I chose to cohabitate with (Big Mistake 1) out of convenience, our places rent being paid by her (Big Mistake #2). Even though the investment I have in the first girl is stronger, and her RMV/genuine desire in me is higher, and the 2nd girl demonstrating she’s not really LTR material several times, it’s the 2nd girl I find myself slipping into oneitis for and resenting for not being like the 1st. I know I’m better than her, I still game/see other girls, and I know my SMV is on the rise while hers plateaued and is on the decline. So why does the latter relationship spark more desire/attraction in me than other girls I am seeing? Why have I begun to let it weaken my frame?
Attempt to answer own question: The 2nd LTR sparks resentment for a few reasons. First is the 2 mistakes mentioned above. We all know why cohabitation is mostly a bad idea, and her paying the rent gives her soft power over me. Even though she’s made no direct/indirect mention of it so far, its presence is felt. Attraction was high during the first couple years of non-exclusive dating but gradually faded, as it does with cohabitation. There were a few examples of her being more attracted to other people/doing things she hasn’t done with me during this stage too, which I accepted and made a mental note of but forgot about as time went on. Last is her crossing several soft boundaries, which she immediately apologized/made amends for but the instances mostly followed the same pattern and left a bitter taste in my mouth. She still adds value to my life, but has proven this girl is nothing to be taken seriously. It’s this part that’s proved challenging and is what I’d like more perspective on. The situation is, at the end of the day, my fault and responsibility. I should probably continue to rebuild my life, and doing my best to detach from her, move out when the lease is up in a few months, and see other women.
Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.
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