Another piece written somewhere around 2005. It's something I've always intended to publish, someday, and have never gotten around to it. I cleaned it up a bit from as-written at the time.

I'm going to be mostly offline for the next month-ish as we are heading off to visit our Daughter and spend some time with our Granddaughter.

The Fine Art of Riding a Menstrual Cycle

A Man's Guide for Learning to Live With the Women We Love.......

Before we get too far into this topic, it's time for a POP QUIZ. Married men and those living with a woman for more than one month should know the answer to this question. Single men need to know this if they ever plan on becoming involved with woman for more than one night.

Q: How many wheels on a Menstrual Cycle?

Answer is given at the bottom of the page.

I'm offering this, my observations; as a result of being married to a woman I love for what have now been more than twenty five years. I do not purport to be an expert on this subject, nor this to be considered a definitive essay.

I would welcome offerings and insights from other men, in order to help those that follow on their attempts to learn the Fine Art of Riding a Menstrual Cycle.

If I receive enough input from other men, I would consider publishing the results under the proposed title...

Head-bolt Torque Specifications for Diesel Lawnmowers Manufactured Prior to 1963, 2nd Edition, Revised.

Authored by; U. Hopelesschmuck

This will discourage the women we love from ever reading this book, and discovering our empowerment over the Fine Art of Riding a Menstrual Cycle. Men know there was no revision to the 2nd edition.

In the words of Red Green;

"Remember men, we're in this boat together, and the women are standing on the shore laughing at us!"

First, a bit of background on Menstrual Cycles...

The women we love have always had these cycles.

Early wise women took note of the fact that their cycles followed the lunar phases, hence they were known as "moon cycles". Because life was regulated by the sun and the moon, whole villages of women would have their moon cycle at once, and would gather together and spend these days giving each other make-overs, and swap stories on bloating and cramps.

For the longest time, these moon cycles were allowed to occur naturally, and as you may guess, were quite messy.

Deciding they could accomplish more (such as horseback riding, mountain climbing, and jumping up to yell "SURPRISE" at parties) if they could contain the mess, some industrious women began to experiment.

Since the idea was to contain the mess in a small area, such as one would contain livestock by putting them in a paddock, they became know as moon cycle paddocks. This was later shortened to moon cycle pads.

Those women who had access to finery experimented making these moon cycle pads with materials such as cotton, linen, wool and silk. Poorer women, on the other hand, were forced to try using what materials nature provided them, such as soft grasses, rushes, straw and twigs.

This goes a long way in explaining why some women are crankier than others during their moon cycle.

At some point, a Husband decided that his need for sex was not being met during his Wife's moon cycle.

Since Women were considered to be property, their lives were under the complete control of Men, be it Husband or Father. This was recognized as an area where a Man did not have complete control over a Woman, and was therefore, intolerable.

The Husband said as much to his Wife, and decreed that from now on, she could not have her moon cycle without his permission...

It did not take very long for this Husband to learn that this was the one area of a Woman's life that he could not have any, never mind complete, control over, so he abandoned the idea and decided that if he was not going to get laid, he might as well go kill something.

With that, hunting became more of a sport than a necessity. This will be discussed in a later Chapter.

During the re-telling of this story of her Husband's decree to her BFF, the Wife laughingly referred to her moon cycle as her "Man's cycle".

As the WGN (Woman's Girlfriend Network) passed along this story of a Wife and her Man's cycle, it evolved to become a Men's cycle. Topics of this nature were not discussed in the presence of Men, so we remained blissfully unaware.

One Husband, returning home unexpectedly, overheard his Wife use the term Men's cycle, and being unfamiliar with it, wanted to know what it meant.

Not wishing to reveal this nugget of knowledge to her Husband, the Wife replied, "I was just talking to Joan here about my "Menstrual cycle". Again, a blank look crossed her husband's face, so she continued, “You know dear, it's when a woman's body uses blood to loosen, and slough away the lining of the uterus, so it may prepare itself for the next phase of the reproductive cycle".

Never hearing of such things before, the Husband turned green, quickly excused himself, and ran off. After that, whenever Women want to get a Man to leave the room so they may speak freely amongst themselves, they will discuss their menstrual cycles.

It is interesting to note that it was about this time that the first coffee houses and taverns appeared, giving the men some place to go….

Now that you have an understanding of the history of menstrual cycles, we can begin to further expand our knowledge.

The first step is learning to balance the cycle. Although it is typically based on a 28 day (i.e.: lunar) rotation, it can be broken into three parts....

Part 1; I'm just getting my menstrual cycle.

Part 2; I'm having my menstrual cycle.

Part 3; I'm just finishing my menstrual cycle.

These three parts will involve approximately 27 of the 28 days in the rotation, which leaves very little room for error.

You should understand that Part 2 usually begins on a Friday, and especially on a payday Friday. The combination of payday Friday/long weekend is almost guaranteed to trigger the start of Part 2, and booking a romantic getaway weekend is not advised.

The combination of payday Friday/long weekend/full moon, is the worst possible combination, and is compounded by having two or more women residing in the same dwelling, since any women that can experience a menstrual cycle will, and those that can’t, will join in, just because.

Should you find yourself in this situation, your only hope is to distract the woman/women you love with a large quantity of chocolate while you retreat to a safe distance. For emergencies such as this, you should maintain an ample supply of a good quality chocolate.

It is possible to learn the cycle pattern of the woman you love so that you may stand a ghost of a chance of avoiding the above listed situations.

Simply look at the calendars in your dwelling, and see if any of them have a "P", "M", or "C" beside the date.

Other subtle symbols may include a death's head, pistol, or mushroom cloud. If you cannot find a calendar with these markings, you can still figure out the cycle pattern by reverse engineering.

Simply recall the last time the Woman you love blamed you for something that was not in your power to control. For example, “They didn't have the shoes I liked, in the colour I wanted!" This was the start of the last Part 2.

There are two explanations for an interruption in the cycle pattern......

Pregnancy...which is your fault!
Menopause...which is also your fault!

These topics will be discussed in depth at a later date.

For now, I suggest you take this information, and keep it to yourself.

If, you must insist on putting this to hard copy so you may share it with other men, I suggest you use an edible, and possibly pleasant tasting paper, with beer based ink, as it may be necessary to destroy these notes, and you may not have quick access to a shredder or flame-thrower.

Refer to these notes only when you are sure you are not being observed by the Woman you love. If this information were to fall into feminine hands, the WGN would spread the word of their existence, and the knowledge imparted will no longer be valid, as women would suddenly change the rules, and we would have to begin again the process of data mining their secrets under much closer scrutiny.

Many men put themselves in great danger (and not the fun kind that involves alcohol and/or explosives) to secure and pass along this valuable information. Do not allow their sacrifice to be in vain.

From POP QUIZ at the top of the page.

The correct answer is...Yes, Dear!

A lesson to be learned from a tragedy.

Sorry if this gets a bit wordy, I believe the context is necessary.

We've been friends for 35+/- years. He was the Night DJ at a local AM Station and I was the Janitor/Boilerman at a Manufacturing Plant. I called in one night to make a request, and we clicked. I would chalk it up to us both working jobs that involved almost zero Human contact.

We have kept in touch over the years and I've been there for some of his important moments, such as the passing of his Parents. He inherited the house, and later on met and started dating a Woman that was long-time divorced with two Adult Children. We attended their Wedding 10 years ago.

There have been ups and downs, just like many other relationships and our conversations included discussion on "Why do Wives/Women do that?"

She had worked in Banking for many years, and after the thrill of Radio and its shitty pay dried up he moved over to driving a Garbage Truck. They sold his house and moved to a quieter area. He was content to let her take care of the day-to-day running of the house and pay all the bills so he could pay attention to building his shop where he could indulge his hobby of wrenching on cars.

Over the last five or so years, her behaviours changed. She made sudden, big purchases ( a new car she didn't need) and decided to get into "Healing and Spirituality" by jetting off to Europe in order to learn how to do it.

He was pissed off, and let her know. It changed nothing and he didn't follow through to stop the money suck.

Then came the Cancers. Prostate first, and after treatment for that it was Colon. That resulted in a Colostomy Bag, and later, a Urostomy Bag as the Tumour re-grew and attached itself to his Bladder.

He wasn't able to work, she had retired (both were +65) and money became an issue. She was there to care for him, I'll give her that much. Taking him to appointments, advocating on his behalf with the Medical issues and care and generally keeping him propped up through it all. She had taken to asking friends for money to cover shortfalls (we helped a few times) and had paid it back. They were in the process of getting ready to sell their house so they could downsize and get out from under the current debt load.

Around Easter, I got a phone call from him. He told me, "She was gone", as in dead... Sudden, unexpected and at that moment she was still on the Kitchen floor where the Paramedics had worked to revive her, and was now waiting on the Coroner to arrive.

It was then the realization struck that he had no idea of what she did with respect to their finances. They kept separate accounts, and he had no access to hers and an almost zero balance in his. Her Daughter has been a tremendous help in him navigating some of those issues, and he is a bit less panicked.

He's been at the task of cleaning out her stuff, still intent on selling. Now, he's finding out where so much money went...

At the same time as borrowing money for gas, cigarettes and bills from friends, she was buying things online with her own credit card. Expensive items, still boxed, squirreled away in her "Craft Room" that was difficult to enter because of the sheer amount it contained.

He knew nothing about it because it was easier to stay silent than upset the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" trope.

The only good part is they did have updated Wills, and in a small way, because their finances weren't co-mingled, he will avoid being held responsible for her personal debt. He's also just been given the news that Cancer is back, this time in his Stomach and he just had his first Chemo.

I'm going to visit him soon (we live about 1,000 miles apart) and help him sort through the mountain of stuff. I want to see him get better and be able to live a quiet life, this one under his complete control.

Here is a recipe I've been making for at least 30 years that has been well received by anyone that tries it.

Bacon, Leek and Potato Soup

For this recipe, you will need a pot of approximately 10 litre capacity, a large frying pan, and a hand blender.

5 lbs of russet potatoes

1 Kg of bacon

Three large leeks

1-2 litres of whole milk

Peel and cut up the potatoes. Rinse to remove the excess starch, and add a small amount of salt, water to cover. Boil at medium heat.

Cut up the leeks fine, and soak in cold water for half hour, swishing around to remove dirt. (cutting them lengthwise in half or quarters helps the process) Drain well to remove excess water before cooking.

Cut up the bacon fine, and cook over medium heat until crisp. Set aside, and cook the leeks in the remaining fat.

Once the potatoes are cooked, remove from heat and don’t drain the water, start blending them with the hand blender until pureed. Add milk to thin out.

Once the leeks are cooked to soften, add them and the bacon to the potato puree and continue to blend until smooth. Check the blender (unplug it first) to clean out the bottom during the process so there are no large pieces left. Add additional milk to thin soup to desired consistency.

Return pot to low heat, stirring to prevent burning on the bottom.

Serve hot with shredded cheddar cheese on top.

Self explanatory piece I wrote a lifetime ago, enjoy!

I've lost my manhood

Thursday, March 16, 2006 12:37 pm

We’ve just sat down to have lunch at a restaurant. I need it...

My wife and I went to "The Depot" to pick up a few things. I should be excited; it is after all, a "man's" store. They have almost everything there that the average Joe guy (that'd be me) could want. There is enough stuff inside to satisfy our most basic primal urges to make a mess, and possibly create something useful in the process.

You can enter into their world and with enough money acquire what you would need to build a fine house, or a single toothpick. I like the tool section personally, although there is something to be said about all the departments. Electrical is another favourite, nothing quite like a bit of flash and bang to get the blood rushing. I wonder if that is where the phrase "come in your shorts" originated?

Back to the tool aisle...

They should have a big box of tissues at the entrance to that area, to save them the slipping hazard of all the drool on the floor. Oh My God! They have that new 12" sliding compound mitre saw that I saw in that magazine I was reading the other day. Feel the smooth action on that baby, and look the handle rotates to several different positions so your hand won't get all cramped up. Drool... And, they have the matching stand to go with it, and it has roller extensions so I can get all 16' of the baseboard up at once. I've ALWAYS wanted a palm sander, they just fit so nicely, and feels soooo right. Only one other thing fits in your palm like that, a screwdriver! Well, maybe a good set of pliers is nice too, you get to squeeze them. A guy can't go wrong with an electric thickness planer, with one of those you can take a nice piece of clear 2x10 and make your own sheets of writing paper. Air powered tools are always good because you need a compressor to operate them. Let's not forget an assortment of hand tools, you absolutely need to have a large collection of wrenches, sockets & ratchets, hammers (yes, there is more than one kind) levels, and anything else you can think of to add to the pile.

But...as much as I love that kind of store, they are beginning to frustrate me.

I realize that the people that design the store layout and marketing concepts are motivated solely by maximizing the time you spend in the store so you will leave with far less money than you entered with. But why Dear Lord, did they have to hire the guys from Queer Eye? I mean look at what they've done to the place! If it was really meant to be a place for guys to shop for stuff, there would be one aisle. To make it more of a male experience, they could throw everything into one big pile and let us sort through it to appease our inner "hunter-gatherer". That would be the kind thing to do, but nooooooooo, we can't have that can we? Instead, they like to put things into different aisles. I think it’s part of a conspiracy to break us down, and force us to ask for directions. People can be so cruel.

I suppose the next thing they will offer us is "Men’s Fashions and Accessories". They've already started to soften us up by selling decorator throw cushions and bathroom sinks shaped like flowers. Once they've given us enough time to stop reeling in horror, they will deliver the final blow to our maleness.

Welcome to the HD Boutique, we have everything for the emasculated male... Don't want the guys to know you've been home all day doing laundry and breast feeding the children? For you we have the latest in men’s cologne. Experience "Sawdust SPF" by Homer, you'll smell like you just came out of the workshop. For the cabinetmaker in you, try "Mahogany" Body Dust, they won't know it didn't come from a thin kerf 80 tooth blade. Looking for something to wear to a formal event? This nicely tailored three piece plaid number will take you from laying the red carpet to walking it. Our drywall mud now contains special skin softening ingredients, and is scented with a hint of beer.

Please, if you're listening, offer us fibreglass batt boxers and briefs so we at least have a reason to still scratch "down there".

Let us retain a bit of our dignity by offering a line of lingerie. If we can't have the school girl fantasy, how about the tool girl fantasy? What man wouldn't want to see his favourite lady strap on a nice leather and lace four pocket nail bag? How about steel-toed stilettos paired with stockings that have a fully adjustable velcro top that features elastic loops, able hold a set of screwdrivers or sockets? What resistance could you offer to a woman wearing a duct tape teddy? Talk about fabulous, and functional!

Anyway, the whole reason I got bummed out was because I wanted to buy some plastic channel to put on the front edge of the bathroom closet shelves. I went looking for it... Is it in the aisle with the wood shelving? Nope! But there's the iron on edge banding. Maybe in the paint and finishing? Nope! Perhaps in the aisle where they stock the DIY cabinets and accessories? Nope! Finally at the point of giving up, a female associate must have recognized the pained and lost look on my face and asked me if she could help me. Oh God! They’ve managed to beat me down.

I told her what I was looking for, and that I had already looked in what I had thought to be the logical places to stock such an item. She asked me if I had looked in Millwork? Nooooo, I hadn't thought to look there, that's where they have baseboard, casings, moulding and mantle pieces, what would that have to do with shelves in a closet? We walked there together, and sure enough...

I thanked her, took what I needed, and went off to find my wife.

When I found her, I related what had happened. I told her that I didn't feel like a man anymore, I think my penis had fallen off in one of the aisles.

Now I'm feeling all bloated and crampy. I could kill for a piece of good chocolate.

I've been Married for almost 40 years, many of which were spent as a Blue-Pill Dad of three. I looked after everyone, except me.

Grinding myself down to keep my Family afloat, mostly on a single-income. One short period of time before we changed from renting to owning, I was a SAHD (rather enjoyable TBH).

When we finally reached the point of being able to buy our first home, I felt we had made real progress. That was short lived as my Employer at the time closed our Branch and between working up to three jobs at a time, what followed were about four years of hanging on by my fingernails and slow financial recovery.

I later took an opportunity to change career paths, moved to another Province, and that allowed me the chance to make a huge leap financially. In ten years, I was able to retire earlier than planned, before I burned out from the high stress provided by my job.

It was not long before retirement that I found The Red Pill on Reddit, and started to read and learn. It changed my attitude and way of thinking.

The year I retired was the one my Wife found out about the first of two Cancers she has dealt with. I was her Caretaker beyond what I had been doing all along. Many lessons learned had to be modified or set aside during that time. Now that she has reached her post-treatment milestones, it's time to work harder on taking back control of my life.