@MatteMatto

Logistics in a Difficult Situation in My Life

I’m 40 years old. I’ve lived away from my parents since I was 20, but three years ago I moved into the house next door to them because I discovered they’d squandered a fortune. I’m worried—not for them, but for myself—because I’m afraid I’ll have to take the blame for their mistakes. They’re terrible people who’ve ruined my life, but for some stupid reason, I feel obligated to help them out.

My house is right next to theirs, and I’ve never brought girls or friends over because I’m ashamed of them. They literally live holed up in the house, and my mother, in particular, always has harsh words for everyone. I wouldn’t want anyone to associate me with them for any reason in the world.

That said, I’m in a tough spot because I basically don’t have anywhere to take girls. It’s never been a problem before, since at this age everyone has their own place, but I feel weird about it. On the one hand, I’m doing a good thing by helping my parents, but on the other hand, I might come across as a loser.

Renting a place far away from them, like I used to, doesn’t make financial sense. I’m not seeing anyone right now, and looking for a rental just for dates seems like a terrible financial decision to me. It’s not a money issue, though I don’t want to waste it carelessly.

As for one-night stands and the like, I have no problem booking an Airbnb. I’m currently recovering from a broken heart and have no intention of rushing into another relationship. I do plan to look for a studio apartment, a small house, or a single room to share with others. But that’s a medium-term solution.

I don’t know how long this situation with my parents will last, and I’m afraid that in the meantime, a girl who truly deserves me might come along, and I won’t be able to seize the opportunity since, let’s face it, I don’t have a place of my own where I can host her without feeling embarrassed.

What can I do in the meantime? How can I come up with plausible excuses without coming across as a loser? If it helps, I’m a good-looking guy, and I’m really popular socially, but when it comes to this topic, I get embarrassed and lose my cool.

As for hookups, I can easily say, “I’m not exactly free,” since I have absolutely no intention of getting serious with whoever I’m with at the time.

But what about girls who have a little more potential? How should I act? Could I even use this situation to see if they’re empathetic?

Thanks in advance for your time

The problem isn't logistics. Like a lot of folks, after high school you probably went to college, got a job, and spent years living away from your abusive parents, and didn't invest into getting mental health assistance, because the distance brought you peace of mind. Then, during the #Kungflu #Covid19 panic, you got softhearted and chose to reconnect with relatives, which isn't a bad thing. However, since then things have cooled down, you're resuming your life dating again, but you're being constantly reminded that your parents are absolutely toxic.

If putting in privacy film on your windows hasn't deterred your parents probing, you've got several other options. If the area you live is one you're looking to keep roots, consider finding another place nearby that's within your means. Buy it, fix it up, get a reliable surveillance system for inside and outside. Make that your home and make the current place available as a rental. Lastly, you could just pack up, move elsewhere, and sell the house. It doesn't make sense for a guy in your situation to be thinking of either hotels or rentals solely for hookups. No pu$$y is worth that hassle.

@Jocbro

I cheated on my girlfriend while drunk. Should I tell her?

My girlfriend and I have been dating five months, exclusive for almost two. We have an otherwise good relationship.

She’s an high quality girl, no doubt. After a minor disagreement, I got drunk and had a one-night stand with a random gal I met at the bar. It meant nothing emotionally, and I regret it. Totally uncalled for.

I do really care about my girlfriend, don’t want to lose her, and would never cheating again. I’m struggling with a lot of guilt and shame tho

I don’t want to tell her because I believe it would devastate her and likely end our relationship. But I also recognize that keeping it secret denies her the choice. I ultimately see almost zero upside to telling her other than absolving myself of the guilt

Is it possible to move forward from this or is telling her the only ethical option?

"Our greatest glory is, not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

― Oliver Goldsmith, "The Citizen of the World"

I don't know what the argument was about and I won't prod for more info, but I know that you'll be moving forward from this regardless. Where that might be, I can't say, but I can only pray it's towards a better outcomes in similar situations in your future.

Unless she suspects you passed onto her an STD, or the chick you banged has shown up with the ability to prove the baby in her arms is yours, the girlfriend doesn't need to know what you did. I know you're not Catholic, but if this is something you need to get off your chest face-to-face, either a priest, or someone else you trust and regard as a mentor are the better options while you're still sorting out your feelings on this.

I recall you mentioned this kind of thing before. That you get hammered to deal with stressful situations. You should probably look into that. That situations of conflict with your girlfriends are followed by heavy drinking is the bigger concern.

@t7716

2-year situationship. Where to go from here

35M. Been seeing this girl almost 2 years, nonexclusive. She’s wanted to be my girlfriend for a long time, but I’ve held off because of her inconsistency and poor follow-through. She knows I’ve seen other women. The whole time its been meet 1x a week chill at my spot, drink, fuck, stays late, then leaves. I actually do like this girl but she’s on and off with letting me just lead. When I tell her maybe this type of thing isn’t for her she claims it is and she wants to be in it and follows with “I just need care” basically saying I don’t show I like her and she’s scared to let go.

so it’s basically I’m not committing because she’s not being fully submissive and showing me what being with her would be like. And her claim is she’s not being fully submissive because she doesn’t feel care/secure. Whether that’s true or not who know but that’s the claim.

Early on she was extremely sexual and spontaneous. Initiated dirty talk, sent pics of marks from the night before, dressed up for me, etc. We had a dom/sub dynamic she seemed genuinely into. I still tell her what to wear when she comes over every time.

Now it’s mostly girlfriend type affection. “My jacket smells like you ”, missing me, wanting to cuddle. Sex is still great when we’re together, but she barely initiates anything sexual outside the bedroom anymore.

Saturdays are another noticeable change. She works during the week long shifts and is usually off Sat–Tue. Saturday used to be our regular day, and she’d initiate seeing me. Now she rarely does, and sometimes says she’s unavailable without suggesting another time. No proof of another guy, but the change is obvious.

Recently she brought up Halloween and volunteered to wear a costume for me. Said she’d check her closet, then never followed up. When I asked, she claimed she had nothing, despite recently buying and wearing a dress at my place.

She then offered to go shopping and send pictures. I asked for 3 sexy costume options by 3 PM. She asked for 5, I agreed. She came back with zero pictures, saying nothing was worth buying and she’d ordered clothes online. Didn’t even show me what she’d ordered.

Then she said she’d make it up to me and asked if we were seeing each other. I declined. The next day I texted, “Should’ve done what we agreed then. No excuse for that.” Haven’t spoken since.

Where I’ve probably fucked up: I’ve stayed available on her days off when she doesn’t give any effort to come by after work. I’ve made entry too easy after she’s done shit I don’t like. And she might see that as my word doesn’t mean much.

My main question is whether she’s losing genuine sexual attraction, deliberately toning it down to get girlfriend treatment, or simply no longer investing the same effort.

I’m planning to stop being automatically available and let her initiate more rather than keep trying to recreate the old dynamic.

What’s your read? The main question I have is whether you think she’s backing off the sexual talk/energy because she’s trying to fit into the role she wants that wholesome girlfriend or if she just lost attraction/had another guy.

I could have very easily tested her whole claim that she’s not fully letting go by saying sure we’re exclusive you’re mine and continued to fuck other girls and watched what she did but I didn’t.

Especially interested in whether I’ve contributed to this and what you’d actually do from here. Not looking for generic “next her” replies.

You don't need anyone's permission or approval on your relationship choices, let alone from a bunch of randos like us. That choice is yours and it honestly reads like you've spent a good bit of time assessing this situation.

You already know that she's not as interested in you as she used to be. Sure, she enjoys that you plow her out as you do, but she's not seeking your attention with any particular enthusiasm. She's also not making herself available as often as she used to, because she's already moved on, and its clear you're feeling it's time you do the same.

Unless you both share children, or housing with each other, I don't see you having anything particular to lose by simply cutting this girl out of your life and moving on. Best of luck to you, whatever choice you ultimately make.

@Saltycroc

do you think its not worth having these kind of conversations with women at all?

Sure, but from a position of strength. Not from a position of her already having withdrawn sex, and now you're having an argument about it. That's just attention seeking on her part, and you reactively giving her said attention. If she wants your attention, it's up to her to make it worth your while.

like when I can feel a confrontation starting, I just leave the situation, instead of having a serious conversation with her.

Depends on the topic of contention. But no, you shouldn't be conflict avoidant. If you can keep calm, state your point, and know in the back of your mind that you're always ready to walk away, then have it.

As for sex specifically though, if you're already at a place where you're having conflicts about sex, then don't. Sex is something you can have conversations about when sex is already great, and not a point of contention.

There are lots of things in life and relationships that can potentially be negotiated. Sort of comes with the territory of being in a relationship. Desire isn't one of those things though.

do you think this is wrong and if things are getting hostile, I just walk away until everything has calmed down?

It shouldn't be "hostile" though. That's not a "conversation" in my book. If things are hostile, that's a matter of you having boundaries. You don't let people talk to you in certain ways. And yes, the "conversation" is over at that point.

@newguy177

Question on "bad guys" keeping women hooked

I was at a colleague's place a few days back.

We were just chatting about random stuff and topic of relationships of came up. While she was hesitant of sharing this at first, she eventually shared about one of her bad flings from one of her previous jobs.

Apparently, as per her, this guy was a manager from a different team and would only call her/reach out to her during night - only for sex. Apart from that, he was mostly cold to her, wouldn't reply to messages quickly, wouldn't even initiate conversations, etc.

Eventually, she ended up pregnant and had to abort. He didn't help during this time either, and she had to carry out all things for abortion all on her own too.

While she was telling me this, she seemed disappointed and angry at herself for being foolish. That she spent so much time and went through so much for someone who didn't give two fucks about her.

While I'm not exactly new to trp, but i'm only now in a position to do more applied stuff regularly.

I've heard some similar stories from my other circles as well. Basically, women putting up with what I'd consider just crass and shockingly cruel behaviour, just to have to the tingles of emotions.

My understanding about this comes from the Lover vs Provider dynamic.

"Bad" Guys show/have behavior and skills that demonstrate evolutionary fitness:

• Risk-taking ability
• Fearlessness
• Better physique
• Humour
• Social Skills
• Confidence
• Power

Usually very opposite to the billy beta, the provider good boy, who can only provide things security, emotional undestanding, monetary resources, etc.

And so, for short term relationships (or even long term relationships if they are able secure them), women only prefer to go for guys that demonstrate the lover side of behaviors.

Would this be a correct understanding? Or am I missing some other pieces here?

You maybe missing a lot, but that's really only something time, knowledge, and experience can remedy. Be patient with yourself. There are plenty of #books, blogs, and youtube video archives you can check out to get informed. As for her, it reads like your colleagues depressed and brought it on herself. This starts to happen when the men she prefers start looking through her, not at her.

You're kind of wrong that the guy had no f#$ks to give, though. If anything, from what you've shared of what she told you, f#$ks were about all the guy was ever going to give someone he'd concluded as being only worth a lay. Unfortunately, her earlier rejection of the sage advice that most girls receive, that they should never freely give their milk away to men who're not willing to buy the cow, is why that's all she would ever get from him and similarly inclined guys.

@Saltycroc

She started arguing about small things, and then i would naturally get fed up around her because of this, causing her to get more upset.

Right. She's bickering because she's lost respect and/or attraction for you.

At times where i was trying to comfort her, i genuinely felt bad and acted pretty beta saying shit like “how can i prove x to you” and i think me saying shit like this killed attraction.

Don't do that shit. You can be supportive without supplication. You can support her without lowering your value and your options. You can be helpful without lowering yourself to cockroach level.

Never prove anything, and never offer to prove anything.

If she says "wahhhhhhhhhh you don't love me, I need you to prove blahhhhhhhhh"...... understand this for what it is: beta bait. "Be beta for me to stop me crying!"

Don't fall into that trap.

And really, if she needs comforting because of..... what..... err.... I mean, noone died, why can't she be fucking normal?

This is gonna sound gay as fuck but oh well.

During that time where we weren't official we were so attracted to each-other and i really did fall in love and she did too. Its pretty heartbreaking for this to happen and i do want to try and solve things

I think what happened is that you both fell for each other...... but when you "fell in love", you got all beta and this killed attraction.

I doubt it's salvageable honestly.