@AlexFromEurope

LTR (F34): low sex, repeated lies - I(M37) moved in and over-invested. Next moves to fix this?

Hey everyone, I’m here for your advice to turn my current situation it a one that is better for me.

TL;DR: I moved in, invested heavily, sex is scarce, and she’s lied multiple times about meeting an older “wine friend.” I don’t want to police my partner; I want honesty and desire. I’m leaning toward accepting her offer of sexual openness (I can see other people) and if that doesn't change anything (spark desire & attraction & raise my value in her mind, a bit of jealously) moving out, making myself rare (remove convenience, but be than also only available in the "good & fun" moment) or straight breakup.

Me/LTR context

2 years dating, ~1 year official LTR. I (M37) moved into her place after her (F34) roommate left. I help a lot (dog care, logistics, small money stuff, errants - to make her live easier because she had a hard time - depression ...). I’m stable/boring (behavior & fianancials ~ earn well, spend on nothing fancy - still no stingy regularly take her out to dinner) and low-drama. I have sexual needs. She says the pill kills her libido. Sex has been rare. Her past is “adventurous.” I didn’t care; if anything I wanted a partner who’s sexually open - with me. She makes a shitty day better by giving me a hug or just be there with me. (But too often in such movement the answer is "It's hot" or "I need some space")

The breaking trust (timeline)

Early this year: She floated trips to cities where past guys live (“just visiting,” “cheap Chromecast for there,” "I like to travel" etc.). After one of the trips I said the pattern felt off. She offered the phone; I checked (hesitated, then did it). I found freshly deleted messages I could recover. On that trip (with her sister) She’d arranged a “movie night” with an old fling (personal relationship - because he help her get her dog); it became dinner. Fallout: “You accused me,” “you looked through my phone.” We talked it out. I set the boundary: I don’t police you; I do require no lying.

A month ago: Said she had a work wine tasting. Sister’s comments and logistics didn’t add up (going in heals up a high mountain, midnight lift with “kids and dogs” in the car from the partner of a colleague?). I checked again (this time without asking; I didn’t want the “deleted” issue repeat). Found she’d been meeting an older guy from tastings for regular walks (when she was out walking the dog); dinner that night was with him, not work. Confronted; she confirmed. I repeated my boundary: see whoever friends thats ok; don’t lie because this makes it something you want hide from me - and than I have to assume its something bad for me.

Last week: I was at my parents helping them for the day, also sick (and she doesn't enjoy me sick and my mood). She said she was with a (female) friend and even sent the friend’s dog pic. Hours of silence despite saying she's super exited and wanted later updates on the discussions with my family. Called her once, she didn't pick up. Later message phone was on the charger, I called are then. When she finally picked up, her story and location visuals didn’t match (she said she was at the friend and they walked and she could pick up because of that, and when she wanted to show me her outfit she really liked - I picked up that she was coming from the direction of train station, and aparently she just made a large detour). I didn’t snoop this time. My read: she likely saw the older wine guy again. I assume no physical cheating; I do assume another lie. In any case I will directly tell her how I feel about this and see. But I also don't want to appear crazy and weak.

More Context

When I checked the phone A past fling texted her after a year: wanted a date. Her reply: “She is flattered." "logistics would be difficult.” I wasn’t mentioned, and it was also no clear no. To a friend she said the relationship felt “boring” (ok this was while I was injured and not exactly fun). She said multiple times I’m “not the guy she wanted, but the guy she needs.” She’s improved a lot with me (weight loss, depression better). She’s floated that I could seek sex elsewhere - she knows its important for me and doesn't want to deprive me of this because of her low sex drive because of the pill. Affection is inconsistent (“it’s hot,” “I need space” on the couch, etc.). We’re different: she likes travel and novelty; I like building and work. I want crazy sex with my partner - even though I have a hard time going out of myself with her but its something I would wish to develop with her; but she at least doesn't want to have it with me or its the pill.

My thoughts

1. I’m not trying to be her parole officer. I don’t require check-ins or permission. I expect my partner to have their own moral compass and want to trust in that; but I get frustrated when I catch lies - especially when I explicitly reassured her that she should not worry to meet her friend whoever they might be, but don't make it something shady by lying about it & make up fake cover stories.
2. I did check her phone twice (once with permission, once not). That’s on me. I’m not doing it again. But the pattern I uncovered was real: secret meets + cover stories.
3. I’m aware I’ve over-invested (moved in, dog duties, logistics). My attention clearly doesn’t create the same charge as “silver fox” wine guy and especially the fling that message her - I know he intreques her still today in ways aparently I don't. Because she only experience him in the fun moments, but not the boring every day situations.

My goals

I want to become more attractive to her and maybe stop being the convenient provider/roommate. And either get a sexual LTR that actually desires me - or stop LTR’ing someone who lies and doesn’t want sex with me.

What I’m considering

1. Move out to end the “roommate/provider” dynamic and restore distance. Keep dating her only if behavior matches words. - But I assume that she would see move out = break up.
2. Accept her offer of sexual openness while staying LTR and test if abundance + preselection reignites desire/ (even some for jealously?) - and that I'm worth more than convinience. My experience from the past - I'm just not the guy from the look & lifestyle I have that is directly attractive for woman for such arguments.
3. Hard boundary: “One more lie and I’m out.” No threats, just consequence. Then actually walk if it happens.
4. Clean breakup now. No drama, no post-mortem.
5. Demote LTR to casual (plates). Date other women. She can keep seeing “friends” honestly - no lies, no exclusivity claims.

Question:

1. Given the repeated lying + rather dead bedroom, I lean towards accepting the offer of sexual openness, even getting her involved asking for help with the profile and using her "experience"? But I'm not sure if that is really a good idea.
2. Or is move out + demote the correct first move to regain frame? Or go straight to breakup?
3. If I stay, what exact rules/consequences would you set? (“No lying” is table stakes, but how do you enforce without playing detective?)
4. And most importantly: Has anyone successfully converted this dynamic into a high-desire LTR after creating abundance (dating others, preselection, moving out)? What actually worked?
5. Any blind spots where I’m still supplicating or chasing validation?

When you're ready to stop being a doormat, consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his #book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.

@adventurousman79

Plate abandoned trip, dread game ?

• talking to this chick she’s from another country we’ve met a few times

• I told her in a casual conversation I’m going overseas (to a country)

• she said initially omg take me with you

• I said ok , and then we planned a trip to a country 3 days together

• one day prior she bailed saying her flight got cancelled and can’t make it the transit is gonna cost her too much yap yap yap a really long paragraph . I was going to go anyway. When she bailed I stayed non reactive, and said no problem.

• I was going to this country anyway with or without her so it’s not a huge deal. In this country I’m having luck with lots of women.

• I was wondering if I upload a story to Instagram with other women will this employ effective dreadgame ? Or will this look try hard.

Neither you nor the location appealed to her enough to follow-through. These things happen. Maybe you're disappointed that she flaked on you after several days of planning, but those feelings should be mild at best. How would a queer idea as an instagram photo journal of you having fun change that though?

Focus on enjoying yourself treading upon foreign land and fondling foreign girls. Afterwards, study the book and recruit new chicks to take the flakes place in your inventory.

@Redpillpusher

Does Therapy Ever Work for Women

I've just recently ended a fling with a 24 F who has admittedly had long term mental health issues due to various prior events of trauma. We weren't serious, mainly because of the mental health issue (she took ADHD, sleeping, and I believe antidepressant drugs). This made me think of all the other females with mental health issues I dealt with and how they all fit the same profile: prior trauma, heavy anxiety (usually manifested as being relatively easy to bag), and, under normal circumstances paradoxically, seeing a therapist for years. Despite these long term relationships with their respective therapists, in every case the females are obviously stunted emotionally with the exception of being fully aware of their trauma induced mental state. Men, on the other hand (in my experience), are far more effective at using therapy to better their engagement with others. Why are these therapists getting paid if the only thing they are doing is explaining to the females why they're messed up mentally? Why is adaptation and correcting of antisocial behavior not a part of the therapy?

Unfortunately, degenerate modern healthcare regards it as more profitable to simply treat the symptoms of any illness so as to farm patients/customers for revenue than to administer any cure. That's why it's a waste of time to spend energy on psychologically damaged people.

When you're tired of dealing with kooks, study the book and revise your tactics accordingly.