@brownpride1488

chasing external validation

those of you that had a problem with chasing external validation: how did you fix it?

i have a need to be accepted by everybody, and often that need clashes with my principles, like i'll seek validation from people that i fundamentally don't respect, like gossiping low-class women and liberal beta men. i also have trouble with frame. for example, if i'm dealing with a feminist clique at work, at first i'll understand that they're just shitty people, but after a while i'll start doubting myself, whether i'm in the wrong.

personally i have no other solution than just keep on keeping on: stay away from bad people, don't fold and try to become their bitch, even at the cost of them shitting all over me, and maybe overtime i'll build tolerance to their toxicity. i also noticed lifting weights doesn't help. i wish there was some mental button that turned me into a narcissist who doesn't give a fuck what these people say. keep in mind, most people i deal with are ok and go about their business, but the shitty people make sure that they're the loudest and most impacting.

“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

― John Lydgate, Abraham Lincoln, & P.T. Barnum

Reads like the problem maybe tied to lack of self-confidence on your part. Thing is, self-confidence usually grows as a result of pursuing and overcoming the various challenges of life. During which time, you come to understand what interests, drives, and motivates you. To that end, I suggest that you get yourself two sheets of paper and a pen.

On the first sheet write down a list of things that you've been putting off on the back burner due to work, schooling, or just life in general. It doesn't matter how silly, or stupid the task or idea might be, just write it down. When you're done, take the second sheet of paper, and re-write the items from the first list starting with what you believe to be the simplest, easiest task, to the most complicated.

When you're done with the second list, get to work. The challenge once you've got the list done won't be simply accomplishing them, but not allowing yourself to be de-spirited whenever you encounter difficulty, or failure. To not let yourself be defeated. You'll spend the time to troubleshoot and diagnose the problem, then start over. If you need help, ask. There's no shortage of #books we can recommend that may help you achieve your goal.

Best of luck to you.

@Wintergreen

Got assaulted by bouncer, have chipped teeth and have broken nose. Feel ashamed

So I was at a bar and I was talking to this girl. She said I’m ugly. Although I didn’t actually believe I’m ugly just because she said it, I insulted back by telling her she looked like a type of food (don’t want to specify because I told my attorney and everything).

Anyway, she told the bouncer and he told me I had to leave. I asked why and he forced me out and then when I was outside he grabbed me and slammed my face on the ground. My nose is broken, I have chips in some teeth and I have cuts on my face.

I called the police and filed a report and found an attorney that has taken my case.

However, I feel like shit because it could’ve been avoided by me not engaging with the girl’s comment. Thinking back on it, I don’t think the bouncer really gave me any reasonable chance to even exist on the public sidewalk before slamming me but I feel ashamed because I shouldn’t have thought I could reason with a bouncer.

I do still think the bouncer was out of line and he took it farther than my actions necessitated, but I just feel disgusting now due to the chipped teeth and broken nose. I’m getting these fixed but still. It’s like part of me is gone, even if they do full in the chips with resin.

How can I move forward and not have these situations happen to me? I think I just need to accept that sometimes you’ll get kicked out even if it’s for a dumb reason but I feel so stupid for letting this happen to myself. Will I ever feel better?

Has anything like this ever happened to any of you guys?

If what you say is true, and your attorney agrees that the bouncers actions were excessive, then he should have things well in hand. Corny as this may be for you to read, time tends to heal all wounds. If there's any obvious lessons you should take away from this experience, it's that if security ever tells you to leave, and the property isn't otherwise yours, just leave. Consider adopting a policy to never darken the doorstep of any business that kicks you out. That, and you should use this opportunity to find other things to do, and other places to be, during your idle time. In the grand scheme of your life, you're not losing much by being booted out of a bar. They don't seem to be doing much for you.