@SwallowMyPill

Caught feelings - how much to disclose

At the core I'm a very sensitive/emotional guy, although I try not to show it. I've tried changing it many times, ignoring it, practice stoicism etc., ocasionally it helped, but it's never changed the fundamentals, so I've tried to embrace it more now

I probably sound like a little girl writing this, but here's the situation

Background on this girl: Started as plate around 1 yr ago, after 6 months time I told her I wasn't sure if we were gonna be more than that. She opened up a lot after that, she had a lot of walls up before it, so after that I enjoyed getting to know the real her. She started growing on me, cooking delicious meals, massage, submissive etc (she did stuff like that before too, but it felt different kind of). We became FWB, I also opened up abt myself more and turned out that we're very similar in a lot of ways, talking with her feels relatable, easy and natural. Regardless I stuck to TRP, talking w other girls n seeing them ocasionally, although it felt different than with her

End of July we were spending a lot of time together, at one point even 2-3 straight days - which I've never done with anyone except my ex, I even preferred her company over my ex. I wasn't seeing anyone else in these weeks either, as I didn't have much desire to do so, sex was truly amazing. Even then I would want to be friends with this girl I've even if it meant being platonic (first time I ever genuinely considered that), so I started to consider the possiblility of LTR this girl (she's made it clear she dearly wishes for it). I was conflicted - I could see potential in her as a life partner, but also still wanted to explore other options and find out if it's what I truly want already, so I decided I was not going to rush it, and give it proper thought.

Start august we find out we got into uni in different cities, althought only 1hour apart, I won't do LDR. So automatically I put my thought about LTR'ing her on hold, thinking possibly in the future if/when she comes back to my city and just leave it there. I still liked her enough to go explore her uni city with her, and watch meteor shower. But still something shifted in me as I knew I had to start pursuing other options again as I won't LTR a LDR.

So I did. Coincidentally date with new girl was pre-lined up, day right after we went to watch meteor showers (spontaneous), and tbh I felt guilty about it, but tried to brush it off. Date went well, made out and planned 2nd date at my place. Day after I went to a festival but ultimately got too drunk and crashed at FWB place. Morning after I'm saying my goodbyes and she feels the condom in my jacket ( we dont use together), and she starts asking questions etc. - I tell her how it is, kind of, and she breaks down saying she thought I wasn't seeing anyone else at this point, if I had feelings for them, or spend time with them like I did w her - which truthfully I didn't, but still was hesitant about saying it. We talk about our relation for a while, and she asks if she was just imagining things, I say that I withdrew myself emotionally when I learned we are gonna start different unis, putting my thoughts abt going exclusive with her on hold, and that even if I was seeing other girls, I could still have feelings and love for her. She broke down again imagining me being with others, and I started questioning it a bit myself, since I do care about her a lot, and what I had been having besides her was seeing girls I had no feelings for - was this worth genuinely deeply hurting her for - this was the first time I truly questioned this, and felt kind of bad, but told myself I couldn't blame myself for it. She cried in my arms and I told her I would miss her and that I enjoyed the time I spent with her. She didn't want our relation to end either, said she had even thought about not starting the uni, even though its her dream education, to try and get into this city next year instead. We left it open-ended and I went home to sleep.

Waking up I thought it didn't change reality that we will be in different cities soon, so I convinced myself not to cancel the date with the other girl which was planned the day after, although I was not looking forward to it. All day I thought about canceling/rescheduling, but end up forcing myself to just do it. I proceed with the date, but was thinking about FWB alot during it, and how much it would hurt her if she knew - I felt sick, but tried to ignore it. After a while we close in for sex, but I felt so off physically, that I struggled to get an erection, both times I got fully hard I lost it, even after penetration. I physically or mentally couldnt do it, I penetrate, shes moaning and everything but somehow I just get turned off. It's just not the same as with FWB, is basically all I'm thinking about. I felt bad for the other girl but I had to send her home and reflect on myself. I felt disgusting for doing this, especially toward myself, forcing sex that I had little desire for. Went to gym to vent some of my frustration and feel better today

With FWB girl decided to just see what happens, we have date plans this week, and I'm hestitant to tell her any of this, but I feel like confessing to get it off my chest, hence this post. I already told her I have feelings for her before, but also that I'm not sure if we'll be LTR. I tried to ignore my feelings for her and be stoic, but in the end it left me feeling disgusting about myself.

Am I overreacting? Should I even feel bad about this other than betraying my own feelings? I never told her that I had fully commited to her - I didn't owe it. Should I give it a few days before even making any plans with her? Should I tell her any of this? I feel like I shouldn't tell her what happend, if anything just the conclusion that I reached from what happenend, that she's the only girl I have genuine feelings for atm, and that she's special to me. Not to gain anything, I wouldn't want her giving up her dream education - when I'm not even sure that I would LTR even if so. But still I would get it off my chest and be at peace?

Hoping that any of your wise input will help me clear/get my head, straight

Fuck this post ended up way longer than I hoped it would

It reads like you could use some help. Consider investing into a reliable ready reference you can pick up and study to better prepare yourself for engaging the opposite sex. I'd suggest that you get yourself a copy of Doc Love's "The System: The Dating Dictionary". Doc Love, who until his passing was also known as Tom Hodges, wrote a weekly advice column that's archive is mirrored on several mens focused sites and a podcast. His media is a bit pricey, but it's a solid foundation a guy can branch out from in RP aware circles. I'd suggest you review his advice column to decide if his view on dating and relationships is aligned with what you aspire for yourself. To save yourself a search, give this scribed link a gander to find out if his #book is something you'd like to add to your library. It should also be available on libgen.

@Typo-MAGAshiv I don't find "fallen or disillusioned believers grudge-fucking the concept of God out of resentment " all that common, and those who do exist stand ideologically and theologically far, far apart from those who comfortably identify as a-theist. Then as yet another entirely different concept, stands the absurd caricature of what an atheist must think and act like, that believers conjure up in their minds, more absurdly so in measure with how socially immersed they keep themselves in the church flock milieu. They end up with a conception of an evil, hateful, and antisocial person, largely an abstraction of the opposite of all the "good" aspects and traits of their fellow believers.

A few times in life, mostly when younger, someone got genuinely shocked to find out I was atheist. But... you're so nice/mellow/chill!!! I think the more evangelical strains of Christianity play this up in their sermons as an unethical shortcut to ingroup cohesion.

I've never been a believer at all, from childhood. No angst or conflict around it at all, just an emotionally neutral lack of need for the concept of God.