@First-light @Typo-MAGAshiv I think there's a lot of nuance to this- which explains why people are uncomfortable receiving my essay, but it also explains why I mistakenly got things wrong in the first place. In fear of being a bitch, I oversteered into not owning my own shit.

And of course, me having basically learned autism (thanks dad!), when she bitched about household duties, I went to the scoreboard like a butt-hurt bitch because I thought that was the alpha laying down the law move. But really all it was, was me not engaging her in an attractive, masculine way.

When we got into arguments... whining, pointing to the scoreboard, showing her the bills I pay, all of this was still completely in her frame and demonstrative of my validation seeking.

No, you shouldn't do all the chores. And I absolutely expect her to pull her own weight, which she does thankfully. But I also don't let the little things slip on my side because if I'm going to have high expectations of her, I'm going to have high expectations of myself.

And then when she slips up and bitches (because let's face it she will), we both know I own my shit, and I give her the look and she shuts up, and we don't talk about it again.

I recently decided my schedule works better if I wake up earlier to take one of the kids to school 3 days a week (previously she did it most days, and I did the other kid later). It just so happens the early schedule works out perfect to fit in a gym session before I head to the office so I told her "I'm going to do 3 days a week, here are the days."

You'd think she'd be happy about that given she now gets to sleep in 3 days. It didn't take her long to start up with the "well, convenient for you to take over on that right before the school year ends. You should do 5 days a week. I've been getting up early with the kids for years!"

Now in my head I immediately (autistically) start thinking about the scoreboard.

What other duties didn't she pick up when I picked up this slack? She's never woken up this early before this year, she's full of shit. Etc etc etc...

Then it hits me, I'm scoreboarding again.

So I just looked at her and said, "nah I'm good I need my beauty sleep the other days" and left it there. She dropped it almost immediately.

@Typo-MAGAshiv So true I get "When you are not out working, you are always in that office of yours..."

"And what do people do in offices?" (unsaid "You used to spend 8 hours a day in one my dear but now you are still in bed when I get to work)"

Now in fairness at the time of day this is usually said I might not always be focusing on admin and I might even and be posting rants on here instead but I left home while someone was still in bed, I earned their food and fuel while they were arranging a house where they live rent and tax free how they wanted (which often involves me buying stuff I don't want or see value in), talking to their friends, watching TV, listening to music and praying (yes a lot of that happens here). The comment is usually made when that person is cooking the food I bought and they will give me a portion of it for which I will be certain to thank them as I am really grateful for that but this is the only thing they actually do for me in the day.

If at that moment at the end of a full day, when I have been working for maybe 11 hours I am maybe only 50:50 going to be focusing on work, maybe I could be excused in view of what I have already contributed unthanked?? If I recall right she used to chat to me and her friends for hours from the office while being paid for it.

No, I was mistaken it appears. I am just selfish and unhelpful.