@newguy177

Question on "bad guys" keeping women hooked

I was at a colleague's place a few days back.

We were just chatting about random stuff and topic of relationships of came up. While she was hesitant of sharing this at first, she eventually shared about one of her bad flings from one of her previous jobs.

Apparently, as per her, this guy was a manager from a different team and would only call her/reach out to her during night - only for sex. Apart from that, he was mostly cold to her, wouldn't reply to messages quickly, wouldn't even initiate conversations, etc.

Eventually, she ended up pregnant and had to abort. He didn't help during this time either, and she had to carry out all things for abortion all on her own too.

While she was telling me this, she seemed disappointed and angry at herself for being foolish. That she spent so much time and went through so much for someone who didn't give two fucks about her.

While I'm not exactly new to trp, but i'm only now in a position to do more applied stuff regularly.

I've heard some similar stories from my other circles as well. Basically, women putting up with what I'd consider just crass and shockingly cruel behaviour, just to have to the tingles of emotions.

My understanding about this comes from the Lover vs Provider dynamic.

"Bad" Guys show/have behavior and skills that demonstrate evolutionary fitness:

• Risk-taking ability
• Fearlessness
• Better physique
• Humour
• Social Skills
• Confidence
• Power

Usually very opposite to the billy beta, the provider good boy, who can only provide things security, emotional undestanding, monetary resources, etc.

And so, for short term relationships (or even long term relationships if they are able secure them), women only prefer to go for guys that demonstrate the lover side of behaviors.

Would this be a correct understanding? Or am I missing some other pieces here?

You maybe missing a lot, but that's really only something time, knowledge, and experience can remedy. Be patient with yourself. There are plenty of #books, blogs, and youtube video archives you can check out to get informed. As for her, it reads like your colleagues depressed and brought it on herself. This starts to happen when the men she prefers start looking through her, not at her.

You're kind of wrong that the guy had no f#$ks to give, though. If anything, from what you've shared of what she told you, f#$ks were about all the guy was ever going to give someone he'd concluded as being only worth a lay. Unfortunately, her earlier rejection of the sage advice that most girls receive, that they should never freely give their milk away to men who're not willing to buy the cow, is why that's all she would ever get from him and similarly inclined guys.

@Saltycroc

She started arguing about small things, and then i would naturally get fed up around her because of this, causing her to get more upset.

Right. She's bickering because she's lost respect and/or attraction for you.

At times where i was trying to comfort her, i genuinely felt bad and acted pretty beta saying shit like “how can i prove x to you” and i think me saying shit like this killed attraction.

Don't do that shit. You can be supportive without supplication. You can support her without lowering your value and your options. You can be helpful without lowering yourself to cockroach level.

Never prove anything, and never offer to prove anything.

If she says "wahhhhhhhhhh you don't love me, I need you to prove blahhhhhhhhh"...... understand this for what it is: beta bait. "Be beta for me to stop me crying!"

Don't fall into that trap.

And really, if she needs comforting because of..... what..... err.... I mean, noone died, why can't she be fucking normal?

This is gonna sound gay as fuck but oh well.

During that time where we weren't official we were so attracted to each-other and i really did fall in love and she did too. Its pretty heartbreaking for this to happen and i do want to try and solve things

I think what happened is that you both fell for each other...... but when you "fell in love", you got all beta and this killed attraction.

I doubt it's salvageable honestly.

@Saltycroc The relationship is over. I'm sorry, I know it sucks.

Look, the fact is this: she's just gaslighting you now.

It will be about "don't pressure me" and "I'll want you, if you just leave me alone for long enough" and "pressure is the problem" and "I don't want this to be about sex".

Sex will always be out of reach, it will be "I don't want a nice meal to lead to sex" and "I don't want sex to lead to us getting along".

It's all gaslighting.

The brutal, cold, honest reality is this: she doesn't want you sexually.

I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but it's just that simple. Everything that she says is trying to gaslight you into making this acceptable, making it your fault.

I don't recall where this start, but I only have one question: do you have kids together?

If no kids, it's really really simple: just get out as quickly and cleanly as you can. The discussions are over. You've tried. You've really tried. Now you leave and find someone who wants you.

If kids: same deal, but more careful, more slowly, much nicer, and get legal advice.

Sorry this has happened to you, but if you've been seeing her for more than 2 years then I have to tell you that this is 100% normal.

@Saltycroc

She has cried a lot. Doesnt matter what she does. Depending on you plans you want to th8nk about treating sad crying depending on real world seriousness and her character

3\10 you may ignore (busy), 3\10 peck on a forehead, 3\10 make ligt fun of it, 1\10 lead and inspect. It is in her business to present a case - otherwise get exploited.

When we get home she later says that we should stop having sex for a little while because she “doesn't want us to only get on when we have just had sex”

No withdrawing sex is not the end!

If she cooks, brings you healthy home cooked foid, cleans, irons, invites her friends and you can use them, you fuck in a bedroom while she waits her turn.

The end happens because you become a beggar in your own space and she does not cobtribute, or you have no balls to make her or tell her that it's her new duties.

Any kind of relationship is possible, as long as you are remaining the benovalent master of your space and life.

You can live not being respected. Millions of men get that done every day.

It is good you didnt act emotionally. It will build you, you have had a chance to observe and learn. Imo much more important than go rambo alpha.

And yeah you can wait even longer to see how your balls crawl into a purse unless you can make some pretty nice uncommon, benefiting you rules.

@Saltycroc

I know some people here would say when she with-drawls sex the relationship is already over

People here will say that because it's the truth.

Now, maybe, if you were married with kids, I'd suggest pulling away your attention, spending more time away from home etc.

But you're not married with kids though. She's just a girlfriend. She should be all over you at this moment in time, to the point where playing these withdrawing-sex-games would be a massive bummer to herself.

This is a simple 'next'. Either a hard next, or a soft next. In either case, you don't take her seriously again. Because you now know what the future has in store for you with this broad.

Also know that women shit test because they're unsure of their attraction to you. And that's fine early stage. But there comes a time when either the shit testing has to stop, or you need to realise this chick isn't that into you. That time is well before you give her the girlfriend status.

Dump her, or put her on the side, and in the future, only take seriously women who are undeniably into you, and don't shit test you.

Also, learn to keep your fucking cool. You don't argue over sex. It's pathetic. You either dump, or you get it elsewhere. But you don't negotiate - which is what arguing and making her cry is.