30 Day Small Talk Challenge with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I have always hated interacting with people I don't know well and especially hate making small talk. Unfortunately it seems like a part of building social status is by having plenty of social relations. My specific circumstances are as follows: I have generalized anxiety disorder and am introverted (socializing is fatiguing.) I tend to fixate on past failures and repeatedly beat myself over them. For example I still occasionally remember and feel bad (mainly worthless) for a oneitis rejecting me 6 months ago.

I have recently made more efforts to socialize (eg, talking to a cute girl at the library and installing Youtube Revanced for her; that was way out of my comfort zone and made me realize some mistakes, more on that later.)

My motivations for starting this challenge:

• Two of my friends let's call them O and Z made remarks about my awkward social behaviors the former just spontaneously joked about me saying one day I will shoot up the whole college with an AK and the former criticizing me for not responding to someone greeting me (my rationalization is that I don't know the person so why would I greet them but I feel like the real reason is that my anxiety discourages me since I'm afraid I will sound awkward when responding [I don't like the sound of my voice] or I will be seen as pathetic [more on that later]).

• On rare days when I happen to be in the mood to talk with relatively many people, I tend to ruminate less on my past social failures. I believe doing more social interactions dilutes the effect of the bad ones since they become a minority of my experience.

• I think as a part of my GAD I have these delusions of everyone being disappointed in me and seeing me as an underdeveloped failure (i'm underweight, i know i need to fix that and I'm short, that i can't fix feasibly.) When I meet a stranger, especially older or larger males for some reason, my immediate assumption is that they hate me, want to hurt me, or at best, are disappointed in me and see me as immature. I hope that by talking with more people these delusions will go away. I should probably emphasize this point more.

I'm officially starting this challenge today but unintentionally started it a few days ago (with the autistic Revanced Rizz). That experience made me realize that I physically react too strongly (ie, fast, sudden movements, exaggerated facial expressions, voice very out of control [too loud, too quiet, a sense of panic in my voice/stuttering]

Day 1:

• I chatted with girl (super sweet person but not attractive) about her unusual name. What was special about this interaction: I was in a bad mood, my common vulnerable victim mood, that normally paralyzes me preventing me from getting anything done or being interested in ANY social interaction. Yet I forced myself to talk with her and talk about something completely trivial and unimportant. This interaction actually did help pull me out of my bad mood.

• Right after that I went up to my friend O and showed him a picture of an M249 (my fav LMG from a childhood game) and joked about using it instead of an AK since it has a much larger magazine capacity.

@Vermillion-Rx I am fond of country music and I have always found it a source of frustration that country music is so blue pilled.

I have wondered about it a fair bit and what I conclude is that country music from the golden age was pre red pill. Hank Williams could write about his wife "You win again" or for that matter "Cold cold heart" but no one would get any air time in those days for not giving a fuck.

Now at some point country music stopped being the music of the lives of common white working people and became nostalgic -nostalgic for a simpler better way of life where people had values. County music today often tends to be nostalgic for a world that never really existed where working people are simple, honest, poor but not needy and feminism and liberalism had not yet ruined everything.

I think there are big omissions in country music today -all that liberal shit just didn't happen. Queers just doesn't exist and red pill has no place because all the excesses of feminism ad liberalism never happened to make it necessary. In country music its like it used to be when it comes to women -there are slags you can fool about with (but even then you should still behave like a gentleman) and there are good women you should not play about with. The Angels song you have there is sadly another of these. "He done bad, he ain't treated a good woman right..."

Red pill type rage just never gets a look in through the nostalgia. Rage against women is totally banned in country music unless its shown as a mortal sin to be punished by a white knight. Even in the 90's Toby Keith's perfect advert against marriage "Who's that man" is all pain and no rage. Its worse by then than it was with "You win again and cold cold heart" You were not even allowed to be angry by then.

This song is the closest I can think of to not giving a fuck. Trouble is its a bit light hearted. We are far from even starting to get country music into the 21st century but it makes me smile.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXyxFMbqKYA