@First-light @Typo-MAGAshiv I think there's a lot of nuance to this- which explains why people are uncomfortable receiving my essay, but it also explains why I mistakenly got things wrong in the first place. In fear of being a bitch, I oversteered into not owning my own shit.

And of course, me having basically learned autism (thanks dad!), when she bitched about household duties, I went to the scoreboard like a butt-hurt bitch because I thought that was the alpha laying down the law move. But really all it was, was me not engaging her in an attractive, masculine way.

When we got into arguments... whining, pointing to the scoreboard, showing her the bills I pay, all of this was still completely in her frame and demonstrative of my validation seeking.

No, you shouldn't do all the chores. And I absolutely expect her to pull her own weight, which she does thankfully. But I also don't let the little things slip on my side because if I'm going to have high expectations of her, I'm going to have high expectations of myself.

And then when she slips up and bitches (because let's face it she will), we both know I own my shit, and I give her the look and she shuts up, and we don't talk about it again.

I recently decided my schedule works better if I wake up earlier to take one of the kids to school 3 days a week (previously she did it most days, and I did the other kid later). It just so happens the early schedule works out perfect to fit in a gym session before I head to the office so I told her "I'm going to do 3 days a week, here are the days."

You'd think she'd be happy about that given she now gets to sleep in 3 days. It didn't take her long to start up with the "well, convenient for you to take over on that right before the school year ends. You should do 5 days a week. I've been getting up early with the kids for years!"

Now in my head I immediately (autistically) start thinking about the scoreboard.

What other duties didn't she pick up when I picked up this slack? She's never woken up this early before this year, she's full of shit. Etc etc etc...

Then it hits me, I'm scoreboarding again.

So I just looked at her and said, "nah I'm good I need my beauty sleep the other days" and left it there. She dropped it almost immediately.

@redpillschool True, its just that sometimes I walk past laundry without noticing it and then get told how unkind I am. Yet all winter she can walk past the woodpile and not bring an armful of logs in (we heat only with wood). I never thought to tell her that made her unkind.

To my mind its a case of women always wanting a bit more help and men being OK doing their chores and not complaining. This leads to unfairness. If I own the house and pay all the bills, maybe you could do something small to make me feel appreciated in return for all the things I do for you unthanked?

While I won't knowingly walk past the clean laundry at the bottom of the stairs, I do think maybe someone should look at the balance of giving and receiving and consider if really its kind to tell me how selfish I am if I don't notice the laundry. No woman wants to feel like a household appliance but also no man needs to feel like a work donkey that is never thanked in some small way.

Women do need to see they can't have their cake and eat it all the time. They should not be helped all the time and never help back. A few small nurturing things can make a man so much happier and therefore feel so much more generous to a woman.